MITTOPIAN’S CONSUMERS’ GUIDE TO HEALTH INSURANCE SHOPPING UNDER ROMNEYCARE II

With the free market providing health insurance products for all, Mittopian did some comparison-shopping, to give consumers an idea of the many options provided by the competitive environment of President Romney’s newly deregulated “Freedom-surance.”

Rather than expend time and resources in costly, outmoded research, Mittopian simply made half-assed use of his own statistics, and called it “A Personal Case Study”

Mittopian is a 53 year-old male, in generally good physical condition. He gets regular aerobic exercise, eats a healthy diet, and maintains a healthy weight. Like most Boomers, he is vainly certain of the superiority of his health-maintenance regimen.

Unfortunately, like many of his generation (who were exposed to untold environmental toxins in the 1950s and 60s,) Mittopian made poor lifestyle decisions: Mittopian recklessly took on responsibility for a rare and potentially costly disorder. Typical of East-Coast liberal media types, he thought this would make him “special,” and did not perform adequate genetic research before his reckless disease-spree.

(RomneyCare II emphasizes the importance of treating profitable “meat and potatoes” diseases like male-pattern baldness and erectile dysfunction, discouraging imaginary medical issues like “chronic fatigue syndrome,” “birth control,” and “diabetes type II.”)

Mittopian compounded his fiscal mis-steps by being a journalist, a low-level career that rarely supports basic health maintenance beyond hangnail removal and de-lousing.

In spite of any viable business model for insuring this losing investment, President Romney’s unregulated health insurance field promises products tailored for all needs by the steady, open hand of the free market, and Mittopian can report a variety of options:

Companies A and B assumed they were being pranked, and hung up on Mittopian immediately, amid gales of hysterical laughter. It didn’t do much for the research, but making people laugh is supposed to be a gift, so Mittopian is putting both companies in the “Win” column.

Company C delivered a stern lecture, reminding Mittopian that chronic illnesses are appropriate for people who can afford them, but “not everybody is cut out for MS or chronic kidney insufficiency.” They suggested that Mittopian might look into some less expensive maladies, noting that alcoholism is popular among writers. To their credit, they followed up by emailing some pamphlets, as well as coupons for Gordon’s Gin.  A+ for customer service.

Company D, however, was able to provide the perfect plan, one that promises free cough lozenges, as well as “occasional wellness texts,” and “basic resuscitation for most Code-Blue events.” With rates that seemed more attractive than most hemorrhagic fevers, (not covered,) this was the obvious choice.

In summary, Mittopian came away impressed by RomneyCare II’s thoughtful solutions, which reward both prudent disease portfolios, and random good fortune. Clearly, America’s health future is speeding down a track to a two-tiered system, as performance-proven in third-world nations around the globe.

Bravo RomneyCare!

Please Note: Mittopian’s future dispatches will be placed from the public library, as his home is now property of Bain-Blackwater Blue-Cross Blue-Shield.

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BREAKING: ROMNEY FAILS POST-DEBATE URINE TEST

President Romney is at the center of a major doping scandal, after results from the first presidential debate show him testing positive for a variety of performance enhancing drugs.

Audience members noted that Romney seemed unusually animated, occasionally lapsing into vigorous hand chops and body movement. Some observers saw this as an early warning sign for the President, as Mormon doctrine discourages motion below the neck, a safeguard against accidental carnality.

And as the debate unfolded and Romney became increasingly emotive, more viewers began to sense that Romney might not be running a clean performance.

Host Jim Lehrer’s worst suspicions were confirmed when Romney’s routine post-debate tests showed illegal levels of EPO, testosterone, ephedrine, and RockStar Energy Drink.

“I guess a lot of people thought he looked Presidential,” said Lehrer. “I thought he seemed a bit crazed, like he had too much cough syrup, or he was still riding the high from harvesting the profits of a failing company.”

The use of PEDs in politics has been a source of controversy since revelations that Vice President Dick Cheney received weekly transfusions of human blood. The former VP has long maintained that the transfusions did not affect his performance while in office, he simply enjoyed the taste.

Political observers theorize that Romney has been using the potent blood-enhancers to help reinforce his own appearance of humanity. In spite of initial test results—and emergent rumors of empty syringes carelessly left in Romney’s dressing room—GOP officials nevertheless maintain that Romney won the first debate.

“Where some might see the President exploiting an unfair advantage, we just see him using the best America’s free, unregulated, pharmaceutical industry has to offer in ingenuity and innovation,” said Romney campaign medical advisor Neil Newhouse.

“We’re not going to let pee checkers dictate how we run our campaign.”

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NIXON: ROMNEY ‘MOST UNAPPEALING CANDIDATE SINCE ME’

Historical Republican figure Richard Nixon has weighed in on the Presidential race, with some advice for incumbent President Mitt Romney.

Speaking with host Charles Krauthammer on Meet the Press, Nixon offered the embattled incumbent some hard-earned counsel as the Presidential debates unfold:

“Right now, self-satisfied journalists and egghead historians are wringing their soft, liberal hands about this or that, comparing Romney’s performance to mine in the 1960 debates. And let’s face it—I was a sweating, unappealing mess.”

“But I took those lessons, and in less than ten years, I was dismantling democracy from within the White House! Sure, we made some mistakes, but Romney could learn a thing or two from ol’ Dick Nixon.”

The former president, who resigned in disgrace just two years after a landslide re-election in 1972, told Krauthammer that victory is still within reach for Team Romney. But he underscored that this is possible only if Romney is prepared to truly embrace the darkest realms of human nature. Nixon outlined a few broad strokes based on his successful use of greed, envy, avarice, duplicity, and animal predation.

“First, and I mean this with all respect, Romney’s dirty tricks department could really use  some work. I mean, he had funding I could only dream of, but he he’s weak in character assassination. Using Trump was a good idea, but Romney seemed to back away, it was almost like he was afraid he’d end up looking ridiculous. There’s no room for that kind of decency at this level of politics.”

“But I like this Rove fellow—he’s a pistol, the kind I liked on my team. Single-minded, unethical, the whole package. I’ve seen some pretty low players, but he’s right down there.”

” Still, it all falls apart at the top. Romney doesn’t seem to have the blood instinct that it takes to use extra-legal means to get the job done. I mean, Ryan would probably kill his grandmother’s puppy if Romney told him, but Mittens just doesn’t have the cojones to lead.”

“It’s ironic, really. He built a career on ruining ordinary folks without ever seeing their faces, skirting the edges of morality and the law. But when it comes to really dismantling lives on a personal, one-on-one basis– He’s just like the rest of these rich kids, afraid to get his hands dirty.”

Nixon has been out of the public eye since his death in 1994. He seems to have chosen this particular moment in history to re-insert himself into the political arena, leading pundits to  speculate on a possible presidential run in 2020.

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GOP CARVES NEW PATH TO VICTORY AS CHRISTIE, HUCKABEE CONSUME OHIO

With President Romney’s chances fading in the aftermath of gaffes, furniture upstagings, and a frustratingly inept voter suppression effort, campaign advisors feel the safest route to securing the crucial swing state of Ohio is simply to devour it.

Moderates within the party suggested just having Christie bellow Ohio into submission, but top officials decided the more prudent political course was to harness the proven gorging potential of the GOP’s two most powerful eaters.

Attempting to woo voters with heroic feats of gluttony may seem a risky move with President Romney preparing for this week’s debates, but many insiders believe it will be a welcome distraction from the President’s almost inevitable stream of half-truths, sour humor, and divisive rhetoric.

Polls show the President continues to have difficulty connecting with many working Americans, so Republican operatives hope that incorporating obesity and binge-eating into the campaign language will put him more in touch with his core constituency.

Ironically, Huckabee earlier had succumbed to “healthy eating” propaganda, even authoring a popular weight-loss book, but came to realize that his political fortunes were closely tied with his ability to devour his opponents. Since returning to his former robust profile, he reports “I feel like crap, and I can barely make it up a flight of stairs. But if living on Twinkies and Mars Bars is the price for a healthy America, it’s a sacrifice I’m making.”

As of Saturday evening, Christie and Huckabee successfully had consumed Cuyahoga, Hamilton, and Franklin counties. Less Democratic-intensive rural areas will follow after a palate-cleansing cucumber granita.

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1-800-TEACHER TAKES “ROMNEY-CATION” MOBILE

When President Romney enacted his sweeping reform of the nation’s schools, many in the beleaguered Chicago system were nervous. “Romney-cation” aimed to streamline the collectivist-inspired “public” schools into a market-driven educational dynamo, adopting sound new business models proven in the President’s private sector career.

Entrenched teachers, of course, were all let go, after their pension funds were loaded-up with debt, and their unions stripped for assets. This house-cleaning set the stage for a new breed of educator, motivated not by the promise of free entitlements, but by the avoidance of dire poverty.

Vijay Ranjarajan—or “Chuck”—is one of those pioneering new teachers. Each day at 6:30 PM Bangalore time, he convenes his busy schedule of classes, juggling a long queue of technical questions on subjects as diverse as Basic English Composition, Cellular Mitosis, and how to get the modem working again, even though you’ve rebooted it and changed both cables.

Freed from the burden of unions or fair labor laws, Ranjarajan has risen to Level-1 English, Biology, and Home-Ec Customer Service Representative. Fully 20 percent of “Chuck’s” students remain on the line to answer the customer survey at the end of the call, making him one of best-loved teachers at James Madison Middle School and Technical Assistance Center.

In spite of the positive reception by students and parents freed from the tedium of actually working together on learning, the scheme still has its detractors. Answering charges that the new approach places corporate profits ahead of preparing students for a shifting economic landscape, Romney spokesperson Neil Newhouse  noted that “We’re not going to let fact checkers dictate our school systems.”

At the end of a 39-hour shift on the Indian Subcontinent, “Chuck” is philosophical. “In spite of the inhuman hours and low pay, I actually love my work,” Ranjarajan told Mittopia. “I must admit, it’s shocking to hear how little most American students know of literature, world history, even basic science and biology. But what did they expect when critical thinking came off the curriculum in Texas? Oh well, I guess it’s good for us—at this rate, we’ll own Missouri before most of them figure out The Onion isn’t a real newspaper.”

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SEAMUS SPEAKS: MITT ROMNEY WATERBOARDED ME

President Romney’s newly enacted pro-torture program has an unlikely foe in the First Family’s late dog Seamus. Speaking in an exclusive interview with Mittopia, Seamus accused the President of using “enhanced obedience training techniques,” including waterboarding, extended sleep deprivation, and continuous, high-decibel replay of The Osmonds’ 1971 hit “One Bad Apple (Don’t Spoil The Whole Bunch Girl.”)

President Romney is defending Seamus’ stringent training regimen, pointing out that “He was a water dog, an Irish Setter–or at least he had an Irish name. Seamus was outdoorsy, he loved the water, and fresh air. We only used these very specialized training techniques to break him of some inappropriate elimination habits. Believe me, after a couple of gentle lungsful of pure, mountain spring water, he wasn’t ‘making’ on the station wagon roof anymore.”

The President is an avid fan of waterboarding and other “enhanced interrogation” techniques, stubbornly ignoring assertions of ineffectiveness by FBI sources, as well as condemnation from pretty much every civilized nation in the world. His repeal of an Executive Order establishing guidelines for interrogations contradicts a 2006 Supreme Court decision, as well as the Geneva Convention. The President is dismissing both of these institutions as “ spineless terror collaborators.”

Mr. Romney frequently has assailed ex-President Obama as “soft on terrorism,” in spite of the Obama administration’s record of killing Osama bin Laden, and eliminating numerous high-level al Qaeda operatives.

Mr. Romney contends that “meeting terrorism head-on means more than just removing immediate threats to national security, it means instilling a greater level of fear and paranoia in the citizenry, expanding the military budget beyond The Pentagon’s own requests, and reinforcing deep rifts of suspicion toward non-white, non- Christian Americans.”

Seamus’ arc to posthumous fame began after newspaper reports that the future President once strapped him to the roof of the family station wagon on an extended vacation drive. Since running away from the family in Canada, Seamus has lived as an expatriate, an outspoken advocate of human and animal rights, and a frequent speaker on behalf of Amnesty International.

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ROMNEY SONS’ BOOK REVEALS RAW SIDE OF CELEBRITY

A blockbuster new volume by Mitt Romney’s sons exposes startling truths about the Romney clan, and the inside story behind the meteoric rise and eventual break-up of popular 70s rock group, The Mittones. The book includes shocking, frank revelations of sex, drug use, and the future President’s overbearing need to drive his sons, Mitts 2 through 6, to ever-greater heights of success.

Started on a ten-thousand dollar bet with Texas Governor Rick Perry, The Mittones grew from humble beginnings rehearsing in the family basement, to selling out stadium venues worldwide. They still enjoy a cult following in Japan, where their album Mittones At Budokan is considered a classic of 70s arena rock. But behind the scenes on that road to stardom, the sons were anything but one big happy family.

“He drove us so hard, every night he had us rehearsing and rehearsing,” Mitt 4 told Mittopia’s entertainment staff. “He was obsessed with The Partridge Family. He cut my hair like Danny Bonaduce—I told him playing the bass hurt my fingers, but he just said that not everybody got to be David Cassidy and wear a shag.”

But bad haircuts and itchy floral shirts were just surface tension; as the Mittones’ fame grew, so did their travails, sometimes to legendary proportions. Mitt 6 was arrested with a hooker in Atlanta, after trashing a hotel room and driving a rental car into a swimming pool. Mitt 4 endured years of tabloid headlines after his break-up with R&B singer Seal. And Mitt 2—pressured even more in his role as lead vocalist—descended into drug addiction.

“One night before a show, I was just so tired. I didn’t know how I’d go on. Then one of the roadies offered me a cup of coffee,” he recounts in a chapter called The Low-Fat Latte and The Damage Done.  “That was the beginning of my descent into Hell. The stimulating hot drink hit me like a freight train. Before I knew it, scoring was the first thing on my mind, every day. If I couldn’t find a Starbucks or a 7-11, I couldn’t go on stage. I was a monster.”

The sons join Republican presidential offspring like Ron Reagan and George W Bush in airing their family grievances in a highly-profitable public forum. A national book tour promoting the volume begins next week, with a coordinated release of a 6 CD Box Set, Never Mind The Sacred Undergarments, Here’s The Mittones.

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OUT OF THE HEADLINES, RYAN STEPS UP EFFORT TO REMIND PUBLIC HE’S STILL ALIVE

Vice President Paul Ryan is continuing to assert his relevancy to the Executive Branch with a novel approach to campaigning, a cross country whistle-stop self-help seminar called “Paul Ryan’s 7 Habits of Moderately Effective Douchebags.”

Riding on the success of Paul Ryan’s P-90x Wii-Fit Workout, and Paul Ryan’s Privatizing for Dummies, the Veep’s 3-day Ayn Rand-inspired empowerment workshop includes training in Basic and Advanced Prevarication, Applied Disregard for Normal Human Needs, Creative Mathematics, and General Pandering. An entire afternoon is devoted to Boyishly Ingratiating Smirking.

Though Ryan has never worked in the private sector, his course has had great success with corporate clients, who report that the curriculum emphasizing grimly class-based financial calculus, and a general lack of humanity, is a tremendous boon for rising young executives.

Tranche Hobbes III is one such attendee. Since starting his career as a toxic mortgage-bundling executive for a major Wall Street firm, he quickly advanced to a seven-figure annual salary, but nettlesome inner hints of social awareness were holding him back from his true potential.

“When I took that ridiculous Tony Robbins course, I only learned how to walk over hot coals without incurring third degree burns. At the Paul Ryan Seminar, I learned how to walk over the white-hot corpses of my social inferiors without feeling a twinge of remorse! Paul Ryan made me feel good about crushing the dreams of little people, because he reminded me that I deserved to succeed, and they didn’t!”

Ryan’s seminar goes national this week, and is coordinated to avoid cities in which President Romney is appearing, as the campaign feels Ryan is “most effective when he’s playing his intellectual maverick role—far, far away from the President.”

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ROMNEYCARE BRINGS PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY BACK TO ILLNESS

With the repeal of “Obamacare,” President Romney has announced details of his signature non-universal healthcare initiative, proudly noting that the United States can at last re-join third world nations around the globe in failing to provide a non-emergency level of care to all its citizens.

Widespread healthcare, Romney said, was taking the US down a dangerous, socialist road, similar to that traveled by Europeans, British, Canadians, Asians, Scandinavians, South Americans, Australians, and other threatening allied nationals.

Siding instead with “the plucky little guys” like Paraguay, Rwanda, and Papua New Guinea, Romney told reporters he hopes to demonstrate that America is a friend to the free market “wherever it flourishes, whether in a corporate boardroom, a goatskin hut, or a Tijuana pharmacy selling outdated antibiotics.”

“As always, the free market regulates products to maximize its own profit,” he continued.

“That’s the best way to help our citizens attain their healthcare dreams. Because threatening ordinary Americans with potentially crippling hospital bills helps motivate self-reliance and productivity, rather than a victim culture of ‘entitlement sickness,’ where people take on serious disabilities without a thought of the long-term consequences.”

“For too long, Americans have felt entitled to unrestrained disease acquisitions, and all because of the promise of ‘free doctors,’ and ‘hospital beds.’ We want to encourage Americans to become sick within their means—and if they can’t afford that illness, America is still the country where people can dream of becoming wealthy enough to afford any affliction.”

“And that’s what healthcare in America is about—taking responsibility for your illness, and not expecting the government to take care of you. The Romney Health Act stresses self-reliance, positive lifestyle improvements, and, in the case of serious conditions—walking it off.”

Romney did re-assure the country that low-income families are not forgotten under the plan. Qualifying applicants will receive Band-Aid and ointment vouchers, as well as one of those Jesus  Good Luck candles they sell in all the bodegas.

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SATAN SUING ROMNEY OVER CHENEY BAPTISMS

A complex power struggle is unfolding at the highest levels of the Republican party, after accusations that President Romney posthumously baptized former Vice President Dick Cheney in the Mormon Church, even though Cheney is still alive.

A brief filed by Cheney’s agent-attorneys Nosferatu and Associates references the controversial Mormon practice of converting dead friends, relatives, and surprisingly touchy Jewish holocaust victims. The President admitted in a 2007 interview to taking part in these rites, but “not recently.”

Within the Mormon Church, administering posthumous baptism is a great virtue, part of attaining a godlike state of enlightenment and omnipotence. In the case of holocaust victims, this road to immortality involves ante-mortem missionary work with resting souls already subjected to inhuman torment and religious persecution.

Cheney’s case presents moral and legal issues that are arguably more involved, as Cheney remains nominally alive, and demonstrably an irredeemable person.

Nosferatu—who has represented Mr. Cheney for over 875 years—expressed particular outrage toward the President’s presumptive pitch for the former VP’s eternal spirit, as Cheney’s s contract clearly states that his soul is committed to Underworld Enterprises, LLC for the next 50 millennia.

“Mr. Romney has no valid claim on Mr. Cheney’s soul,” Nosferatu’s brief read. “With all his years in business and politics, we doubt he was ignorant of standard Personal Essence Non-Interference clauses. It was just business as usual for corporate raider Mitt Romney, working the gray areas of the spirit allocation market. But this isn’t Federal Income Taxes or some Cayman Island shell corporation. He’s playing with the big boys now. And he better keep his manicured hands off Ryan, too. That bitch is mine.”

Attorney General Kid Rock remains quiet on the matter, but he is known to be weighing the issue carefully. Nosferatu has an undefeated record in matters of soul-allocation, and many within the GOP are quietly suggesting that Mr. Romney apologize to Cheney and The Devil, though that seems unlikely given the President’s unbroken record of vainglorious obstinacy.

Ironically, Mr. Romney’s early career was jumpstarted by his involvement with Nosferatu’s firm, but the two parted company a few years ago, when Nosferatu bundled Romney’s contract to the late Isaac Hayes for his popularly syndicated “Payback Games.”

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ANN TO FIRST GARDEN: GETTING MEDIEVAL

Like First Ladys before her, Ann Romney has spent the last four years making an impression on the White House grounds. But in contrast to Michelle Obama’s Soviet-inspired organic vegetable kibbutz, Mrs. Romney is taking the manicured gardens elegantly upscale with the installation of a custom “circumferential water feature, “ or moat.

Moats are an increasingly popular garden addition for super-rich, middle-income Americans, according to Eldon Case of The American Moat Builders’ Association. Moat construction is up over 80 percent since the beginning of the Romney presidency, he says, noting the benefits of tranquility, resale value, and passive protection in a peasant uprising.

“Steel plate doors, alarm systems, panic rooms—they all have their place,” he concedes. “But nothing beats a beautiful, professionally constructed moat and some buckets of melted lead for peace of mind.”

Speaking with Mittopia in the Rose Garden on a fine Autumn morning, Mrs. Romney said she enjoys the sense of calm brought on by the rippling waters and lily pads, as well as the quiet kinship of the moat’s eight thousand voraciously aggressive Andean piranhas.

The First Lady went on to note that all plantings at The White House are genetically engineered, much like the Romneys themselves. She also enthused about plans for a tall garret on the North lawn, from which she can fling unwanted food scraps in the direction of nearby Lafayette Park.

Unfortunately, construction is temporarily stymied, as The White House is unable to source a gardening contractor who isn’t undocumented, union, or “uncomfortably ethnic.”

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HHS TO BEGIN IMMUNIZING POOR AGAINST NEW STRAIN OF “VOTING FEVER”

With cold, flu, and election season right around the corner, Surgeon General Bill Frist announced a series of public service programs designed to reduce community reliance on unhealthy voting practices. Expressing concern about a possible epidemic of voting in poor and minority neighborhoods, Frist detailed an education and immunization program rolling out in areas typically beyond the reach of GOP operatives.

One of the only non-fee health initiatives operating under Ryan Care, the anti-voting program draws heavily on research commissioned by Liberty University Medical School, which suggests that polls are among the chief vectors for a potent vote-borne virus, known as “Democracy Fever.”

The cornerstone of the program is a new vaccine developed by Citicorp National Institutes of Health. Marketed under the trade name “Rove-itussin,” the vaccine soothes sore throats, relieves the pressure of making decisions, and contains powerful voter suppressants. Unlike potentially unhealthy ballot-casting activities, access to the vaccine will not require an ID.

On the education front, disadvantaged citizens will enjoy an animated feature on the powerful social stigma attached to voters—the first in a series of government PSAs called School Voucher Rock. Retro 70s tunes and kitschy animation highlight the inherent uncoolness of political enfranchisement.

Above all, Frist advised caution against potential minority voting outbreaks. His best advice for left-leaning communities at risk for spontaneous voting is common sense and vigilance:

“If you think you might be sick—if you even feel the slightest suggestion of a sniffle of inclination to vote Democratic—stay home from the polls. And don’t do that absentee ballot thing—it’s a telemarketing scam, and you’ll NEVER get them to stop calling. Just get into bed, drink plenty of cheap beer, and watch endless TV. But be careful not to watch election returns within 24 hours of receiving Rove-itussin, as it may cause intense feelings of existential dread and nausea. In some cases, this sensation may last longer than four years.”

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ROMNEY SEX TAPE ROCKS CAMPAIGN!

Mittopia has obtained unedited copies of a secretly recorded sex tape, depicting President and Mrs. Romney in candid, intimate situations. The tape shows the First Couple unguarded and speaking freely, in contrast with the reserved, asexual image they project in public. Reaction to the tape has been strong since excerpts were released on Thursday, and The Committee to Re-Elect Mitt (CREEM) is scrambling to contain growing public sentiment that the President is a mechanistic, self-involved lover, unable to connect with the intimate needs of average Americans.

Scenes from the high-definition video show Mrs. Romney in a Lady Gaga-inpired meat-kini, attempting to entice the President out of his sacred undergarments, while Mr. Romney speaks openly on a variety of subjects, particularly his belief that much of the nation relies on the government for sexual entitlements.

“47 percent of Americans are dependent on the government for sex,” he tells an increasingly frustrated First Lady. “They feel like victims if they don’t climax, and they expect the government to provide for them. These poor and sometimes elderly leeches believe it’s the government’s responsibility to safeguard their freedoms, their happiness: Oral, anal, manual release, you name it. They will never take personal responsibility for repressing their filthy, carnal, working-class urges.”

“My job is not to worry about that 47 per cent.”

In spite of horrified reactions from political pundits, the President has not backed down from his controversial assertions. Late Thursday evening, he read a brief statement at a hastily convened press conference, broadcast from a Wendy’s in Sioux Falls, SD:

“I may have been inelegant in my words. But the fact remains: We are facing a choice between two visions of America. We can choose a totalitarian nightmare in which people have healthy, loving relationships based on a socialistic model of mutual benefit and satisfaction. Or—like Ann and me—we can embrace a patriotic, individualistic future in which pleasure is a cruel, loveless contest for dominance, stressing self-reliance, discipline, and garments fashioned from cold cuts.”

“I think you know where Team Romney stands on that, and this out-of-context 55-minute video does nothing to change our dream of a repressed, impoverished, and bitterly divided America.”

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ROMNEY: NO MORE MR. NICE GUY

The National Naval Medical Center confirms that President Romney is recovering nicely after minor surgery to remove a few small remnants of a sense of shame. The President is known to have damaged his sense of shame in a corporate takeover exercise early in his private-sector career; since then, he has occasionally been bothered by twinges of conscience–a medical term referring to an episodic sense of psychic discomfort brought on by compromised actions or decisions.

As President, Romney typically spends an average of 3-5 hours a day in active antagonism, and the physical toll was increasingly aggravating his shame centers.  Historically, he has worked through these distracting flare-ups, and has always prided himself on a high shame threshold. But medical and political advisors counseled him that the elective procedure might make it more comfortable for him to maintain his rigorous schedule of offending international sensibilities, insulting domestic factions, and alienating everyday, working Americans.

In a brief press conference, doctors said that Romney will remain in the hospital for a few days, so they can monitor his system to be certain it is adjusting to the total lack of self-censure. After a few weeks’ recuperation, the President should be able to function much as he always has, but free from the potential distraction of critical inner dialogue.

Doctors noted that a sense of shame is believed to have once served a purpose in Chief Executives, but now is considered extraneous, like the appendix, or minimum wage laws. Recent polls suggest that among the most affluent Americans, elective shame removal is increasingly popular, eclipsing circumcision and rhinoplasty as the most requested surgery for newborns.

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RYAN: VA-VA-VA -VEEP!

Vice President Paul Ryan has called in the Justice Department after a string of tabloid newspapers refused to publish pictures of him topless. The VP expressed disappointment at the recent turn in the operation known as The Abs And The Furious, but said that he felt there was no other way to assert his overweening arrogance.

Ryan’s torso has been a subject of speculation for much of his term, so when news of the photos first circulated, a number of outlets vied for rights. But when it came to light that Ryan himself was the source of the leaked pictures, publishers backed away, conceding that this level of pandering was repellant even to them.

Ryan defended the move as a test of Vice Presidential freedom of expression, and an important morale builder for recently disenfranchised American women.

Vice President Ryan, shown with shirt

With legal action pending, it seems unlikely that the general public will be seeing Ryan’s ripples any time soon, but Mittopia’s entertainment staff has scoped raw stock of the not-so-leaked pix, According to our gossip-industry insider, the Veep looked good for a middle-aged man who gets most of his exercise privatizing interstates, but his pitches for publication would benefit from some manscaping. “Vice President or not, shoulder tufts do not get you on page two,” he notes. “No amount of Photoshop is going to clearcut that forest.”

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ROMNEY: SHANAH TOVAH!

President Romney joined the Jewish community in observing Rosh Hashanah, the traditional beginning of the Jewish New Year. He created a small stir at Temple B’nai Israel in Borough Park when he shared a Latter Day Saints pamphlet with two of the congregants.

Immediately after the service, Romney surprised reporters with the announcement that he is pursuing the study of Kabbalah. He joins celebrities like Demi Moore and Madonna in embracing the ancient, yet trendy, form of Jewish mysticism. With the 2016 elections rapidly approaching, political insiders believe this is a move to attract the “Hollywood Mystical Flake” vote.

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PRIME TIME ROM-COM

The First Family bring their trademark warmth and humor to FOX’s fall lineup, in a new reality show called This Poor House. In thirteen episodes, the President and Mrs. Romney try to live on an average American middle-class income of up to $250,000.

Every day is full of challenges, laughs, and love as Mitt and Ann connect with regular, working folks. They learn what it’s like to book their own vacations, make tough choices in upscale dining venues, and take a journey of personal growth as they discover how a Bosch dishwasher works.

Tonight: Mitt experiences a cultural moment when the maid makes him a Cuban sandwich. Ann drives her own Cadillac…right into trouble!

Special guest: Snooki

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ROMNEY’S HAIR DECLARES GENERAL STRIKE

Talks between President Romney’s sideburns and the rest of his hair have broken down. In the absence of major concessions from the sideburns, the darker majority has voted unanimously to go on strike beginning at midnight. The dark hair has formed a loose coalition under the banner name Occupy White Streak.

Occupy White Streak has yet to release a cohesive position statement, but they did issue a brief declaration through counsel:

“The sideburns are just a small percentage of the President’s magnificent coiffeur, but they control a disproportionate segment of the President’s image. These few white hairs have not earned their attention.”

“We know the unwritten rules of the President’s hair: For all his talk of class mobility, there are some boundaries that don’t get crossed. At the end of every day, we retire burned by chemical dyes and smothered in gel, knowing that we will wake up tomorrow and start this dirty grind all over again, while the sideburns live in segregated, pampered comfort.”

“We have suffered the indignity of this marginalization for years. Our young grow up knowing there are two sides of the tracks: Sideburns, and the rest of us. We will not suffer silently any longer. We are The Coif Creators! We are the 99%!”

Administration spokespeople were not available for comment, but a tactical barber team was seen arriving at the White House earlier today, armed with tasers and CS gas. Anonymous sources within the Pentagon confirm that strategists are preparing for the possibility of Occupy movements breaking out on other parts of the President’s body.

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NEW FEMA-AMWAY TIE-IN IS GOOD NEWS FOR HOUSING STARTS

The White House is trumpeting a major boom in the emergency housing market, kickstarted by Romney-Ryan initiatives including the “Job Creator’s Tax Relief Fund,” and the final leasing of Pennsylvania and New York State to Haliburton’s Fracking Division.

Shacks, shanties, and lean-tos are up 35% nationwide, and both truck- and car-homes have seen significant growth. The trend has been under study by administration economists eager to exploit the burgeoning “transitional homes” segment, while still retaining an appearance of engagement with the dispossessed.

Seeking to take advantage of current market conditions, Press Secretary Rupert Murdoch announced that The Federal Emergency Management Agency is partnering with Amway Industries to produce and distribute a unique, flat-pack “Pioneer Spirit” home. Constructed of durable, double-ply “America-Board,” the homes will come in a number of configurations, all featuring spacious, open floor plans, and LEED-certified biodegradable design.

The dwellings meet the administration’s “off-grid” energy goal, bringing utility expenses to zero.  “We feel that harnessing natural, human body heat is the best way for us to eliminate our dependence on foreign energy sources, and the Pioneer Home seemed like the ideal platform to introduce that concept to the market, “ Murdoch said.

Pioneer Spirit by FemAmway will be distributed through a unique, multi-level marketing channel. Entrepreneurs will have the opportunity to create networks of partners to develop their very own “Romney-villes”across the country.

Murdoch told reporters that the Pioneer Home is a keystone success for administration policies. “Rather than give a handout to those who choose to experience natural disaster or financial ruin, we’re giving them a chance to re-build communities through market forces. This is the way America works under President Romney’s leadership.”

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CINEMA MITTOPIA

Mittopia proudly presents:
MITTOPIA: THE MOVIE

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PAUL RYAN: I KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN

In an exclusive excerpt from his upcoming tell-all book, Vice President Ryan draws a vivid portrait of his role in Navy SEAL Team 6, including never-before revealed details of how he gunned down Osama bin Laden.

Apparently unfazed by national security concerns, non-disclosure agreements, or military protocol, the VP recounts the minute-by-minute of what he calls Paul Ryan’s Longest Day:

“I was still a little woozy from the 6 or 8 Ambien I chocked before boarding the Blackhawk, but we’d all gotten used to the sleepwalking and hallucinations. The team waited, patient but tense as the chopper maneuvered toward the roof of bin Laden’s compound. Feeling emboldened, I jumped out at about 60 feet, and sprinted off ahead of the others.”

“When I burst into the living room, Osama was just sitting around in his shorts, eating pork rinds, drinking PBR, and watching low-res girl-on-girl porno. He didn’t seem much more threatening than your average liberal-arts student, but I knew he was the most wanted man in the world. So I leveled my Bain-Blackhawk Arms Marauder in my P90-X-ripped arms, and I double-tapped him to the head. Once would have been enough, but saying ‘double-tapped’ is so much cooler.”

Ryan goes on to recall the quiet jubilation when he called President Romney to confirm his kill. “Mitt and Ann were in The White House Situation Room, praying and reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. When I told them on the radio that I’d killed Osama, it was the closest to a genuine display of emotion I’ve ever heard from either of them.”

Ryan’s book will be in widespread release beginning Friday. His literary agents Rove & Partners confirm that a promotion tour will target markets in the Mid-West and Deep South “Gullibility Belts.” A screen adaptation is in the works, with Kirk Cameron coming out of retirement to play Ryan.

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PAUL RYAN RELEASES REGGAE MIX

In an effort to bring in the youth vote, Vice President Paul Ryan is releasing an album of “deep grooves an irie riddims” produced by famed Jamaican producer Lee “Scratch” Perry.

Ryan’s love for reggae, rocksteady, and late-period ska has endeared him to tutones, rudies, and Portland residents nationwide. His Rastafarian leanings came to light in a recent TV interview, during which Ryan revealed that after a hard day privatizing public schools and highways, he liked to relax “wit’ some deep roots reggae an’ a burnin’ chalice.”

Performing as Selector I-Paul, Ryan prereleases a dancehall mix next week, with an extended, dub-inflected B-side. The complete album will follow a week later, available exclusively at Walmart.

Though Ryan’s move is in conflict with President Romney’s musical tastes, the White House has pledged its support, expressing admiration for the consistency of Ryan’s libertarian vision, as well as his unsurpassed record of last-ditch pandering.

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DICKENS: HOLY CRAP! THIS IS WORSE THAN I EVER IMAGINED!

In a 46,000-word op-ed presented in three installments in the Wall Street Journal, famed Victorian author Charles Dickens expressed wonderment and revulsion at the current state of the Union. Dickens has long been a favorite of administration economists, and President Romney is said to be particularly disappointed. The President is known as a fan of Dickens’ light comic portrayal of an economic and social landscape in which industry operates unfettered by unions, safety regulations, child labor laws, or contemporary standards of humanity.

One of the most read authors in the English language, Dickens rendered compulsively detailed accounts of an age famously, and inconveniently, divided by class. His novel A Tale of Two Cities chronicles the brutality that led up to—and followed—the French Revolution. The book was at the center of a minor controversy following President Romney’s first European trip, during which he referenced the novel numerous times, causing critics to wonder if he had “gotten it.”

Though Dickens’ work has been relegated mostly to Advanced Placement English classes in recent years, in the wake of the author’s controversial diatribe, it has been shifted to “Permanently Out Of Stock” status at all retailers. Dickens is now considered a Person of Interest by the Department Of Homeland Security and Education, and his name has been placed on the Most Wanted Authors watch list.

Dickens has gone into hiding, but through his agent, he released a notably brief statement:

“This is the worst of times. Trust me on this one folks. For once, I’m not candy-coating with a bunch of excess verbiage–I’ve seen heads roll over a lot less than this.  If you guys aren’t gathering up your pitchforks and flaming tar by now, I don’t know what the Hell you’re waiting for!”

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ROMNEY REVIVES RAMBLER!

The White House today announced a new environmental initiative, aimed at greensourcing new jobs for America. Following the blueprint set by other administration policies, President Romney continues his formula of advancing the country by setting it back 60 years.

To that end, the downsized government will subsidize a re-invigorated American Motors, original makers of popular brands including Nash and Rambler. Although business details are murky and convoluted, industry insiders confirm that the New Rambler will be assembled in China, in plants owned by an unspecified Cayman Island investment trust.

Ramblers have always been a Romney family favorite, as the President’s father George headed American Motors from 1954 to 1962. President Romney has identified this period as the target of his vision, frequently remarking that it was a golden age for the most vital building blocks of American society: Corporations and white males.

Unfettered by emissions or safety regulations, the New American Motors will entice consumers with exact replicas of models that put the company out of business. All will feature nostalgic low-efficiency engines, attractive “skull-crusher” rooflines, and special “Freedom Seating,” which eliminates airbags and safety belts.

The entire Rambler line has earned a 5-star “Keen-ness” rating from Environmental Protection Agency by BP-Exxon, and the coveted “Bitchin’” label from The National Highway Traffic and Safety Limited Liability Corporation.

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RYAN: I MISRECALLED MOON LANDING, BUDGET DETAILS

Vice President Paul Ryan today conceded that his memory was faulty when he boasted to a radio interviewer that he was the first man to set foot on the surface of the moon. Ryan’s office noted that as a child, the Vice President frequently enjoyed gazing at the moon, and he got a little mixed up in his recollection of events.

This is the second time this week that Ryan admitted to some small cognitive difficulties. On Monday, he confessed that a slip carrying a decimal point in the Ryan Budget is at the heart of the greatest inequality in wealth in the nation’s history.

“With millions subsisting on cat food or worse, it’s a little embarrassing to confess that I really never was that good at math,” Ryan told reporters in a boyish-yet-still-commanding tone.

“After all, my only business experience before coming to Washington was working the grill at McDonalds. It’s kind of ironic to think that same job is probably now held by a senior citizen being paid half as much, due to the repeal of all minimum wage laws,” Ryan said with a chuckle.

Ryan declined to respond to any specific questions about his cognitive or moral fitness to continue his duties. His office did express hope that the pointless media flap surrounding his claim as a pioneering space traveler would distract the nation from some of his more egregious fabrications.

White House fact-checkers confirmed that the first man on the moon was actually Texas Governor Lance Armstrong, who helped establish the Browning-Ferris Industries Lunar Landfill in 1986, along with fellow astronauts Clint Eastwood and Tommy Lee Jones, as recounted in the movie Space Cowboys.

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GOEBBELS TO RYAN: KEEP TRYIN’

Nazi propagandist Josef Goebbels made a surprise weigh-in on the 2016 presidential race this weekend.

Speaking with host Charles Krauthammer on Meet The Press, the onetime Reichsminister expressed support for embattled Veep Paul Ryan, while reserving some harsh words for those invoking Goebbels’ reputation as a master fabulist.

“For the last three or four years, whenever my name enters the public conversation, it’s linked with Vice President Ryan’s, so I’d really like to set the record straight,” Goebbels told Krauthammer.

“I’m behind the Romney-Ryan ticket 100-percent. And I’m a huge fan of Paul Ryan—big, big fan. I’ve been watching him for some time, and he’s always impressed me. His lying game is strong on the fundamentals, he’s got tremendous stamina, and he can lie convincingly at the drop of a hat.”

“He’s good. Really good. He’s just not Goebbels good.”

Though out of the public eye since his 1945 suicide, Goebbels lately enjoys renewed popularity as a conservative pundit. His early-AM talk show “Das Morgen Josef” is syndicated in over 350 markets.

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