In anticipation of a Romney-Ryan victory in November, General Mills has begun test marketing an entirely new category of prepared food product called “Romney Bits,” using cautiously-unmuzzled presumptive First Lady Ann Romney as its spokeszombie.
Touted as “a delicious single-bowl meal, easily affordable by people who eat such things,” Romney Bits is a fortified, grain-and-offal-based “people kibble,” described as “a nominally-palatable solution for 99% of America’s subsistence nutritional needs.” General Mills’ press release further noted that Romney Bits are “delicious served with milk, juice, or even water, for socialist types who prefer to drink at the well of free public utilities.”
Although initial clinics revealed a potentially bitter aftertaste, an infusion of not-yet deregulated Mystery Sweetener #43 has improved general response with an acceptable level of neurological side-effects.
Trialing in Mississippi, Alabama, and “some other godawful obese state that we’ll carry,” Romney Bits is poised to create a new market where other, more wholesome food products are unattainable or viewed with suspicion. Romney Bits come in three delicious flavors: New Grape Depression, Let Them Eat Cake, and a diet variety, Fatless Shrugged, which does not differ nutritionally, but is imprinted with numerous exhortations for the eater to stop being an indulgent parasite.