After six weeks of post-election argument, deliberation, and brunch dates with the Romney family, the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that California, New York, Oregon, and “Taxachussetts” will not be included in the final electoral tally. Although Governor Mitt Romney still does not win under this scenario, the court further ruled “what the heck, we all know he bought it fair and square, so let’s just cut to the chase and call him President.”
Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia was characteristically obtuse. “The Constitution’s authors wanted it this way. I mean, half those states didn’t even exist back then! And besides, well, this is just the natural order, isn’t it? The way the founders looked at it, Obama was only entitled to 3/5 of a presidency anyway, so he did pretty good, right?”
Speaking for the dissent, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg lamented, “Oh, God, I never thought it would come to this. I am so, so, so sorry. I thought maybe Kennedy would come to his senses and pull through, but the matching gold-plated Jet Skis must have pushed him over the edge. Please, Lord, forgive me for ever having anything to do with these charlatans. And please have mercy on us all.”
In an unrelated story, Justice Ginsburg’s daughter Jane, a law professor at Columbia University, returned home after a brief, unscheduled vacation. Professor Ginsburg is recovering nicely from “a snorkeling incident” in which she lost her left pinkie.