With widespread despair fueling record alcohol consumption, business is already booming for New York bar owner Ramp Norwalk. But Norwalk has hit on a growth formula to fulfill his wildest champagne dreams.
“Frankly, I’m already stinking rich, selling craft beer and Fernet Branca to hipsters,” Norwalk told Mittopia, “but after joining Paul Ryan’s Book Club and reading some Ayn Rand, I realized it’s my moral responsibility to become rich enough to spit on these filthy beatniks, with their cupcakes, and their strollers, and their talk of ‘a sustainable economy.’”
Norwalk has renamed his bar Deregulate America, updating top to bottom with a theme celebrating “Enterprise Unshackled.” Banquettes are veneered with a laminate of elephant ivory and exotic hedge-fund derivatives, while booths are upholstered in infant snow leopard. But the centerpiece—the hook that keeps drawing in the Trumps and the Adelsons—is a signature cocktail called The Mitt-ropolitan. There’s something in it that keeps the GOP’s top-tier coming back for more.
“I really can’t talk about the secret ingredient, but my mixologist is a magician! He’s my accountant, too!” brags Norwalk.
Mittopia assembled a panel of prominent alcoholic Republican pundits, who put the Mitt-ropolitan through its paces. All agree the irresistible secret ingredient is an extract distilled from the tears of Democratic-leaning orphans.
Though bar-owner Norwalk remains mum on the drink’s mouthwatering mystery, Bain-Haliburton subsidiary Tearco—the sole supplier of orphans’ tears on the East coast—reports a spike in sales. Tearco’s Jason Maxwell confirms, “Increased demand is always a challenge, but the kids just love it. We call them our tiny entrepreneurs! It just shows that when the invisible hand of the free market works, everybody gets stroked!”