SPECIAL REPORT: ROMNEY ADMINISTRATION’S FOCUS ON FEMALES

Newly appointed Planned Parenthood director Todd Akin today announced an effort in partnership with Coca-Cola, aimed at helping legitimate rape victims who face unwanted pregnancies.

“When I was growing up in Missouri in the ‘50s and early ‘60s, kids were taught that Coca-Cola was an effective ‘morning after’ product, as well as a delicious, refreshing beverage. All the fast girls knew that using Coke ‘down there’ would stop any babies in their tracks,” Akin told Mittopia.

Although most Planned Parenthood offices were shuttered immediately after President Romney took office, the retooled Planned Parenthood By Coca-Cola RJR Sony will be conducting outreach campaigns in malls, schools, and other religious institutions.

Rape victims who submit an affidavit of authenticity will receive a special “victim’s gift bag” consisting of two commemorative ‘50s-style glass bottles of Coke, an extra-scratchy set of “shaming underpants,” and a short pamphlet titled “Coping With the Unwanted Child You’re Going to Have Anyway…With Coke!”

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Vice President Ryan and Surgeon General Bill Frist are sponsoring an initiative to protect the right of pharmacists to deny sales of intimate lubricants on the basis of religious belief or social awkwardness.

“These despicable products are part of a radical feminist agenda that sex should not be painful and confusing. They reinforce a pleasure-seeking mindset that should make women feel ashamed and icky, and we support efforts to allow medical professionals to follow their conscience, ” a White House press release said.

In related news, government partners Women’s Clinics by Blackwater-Trojan Industries will debut a new category of women’s health product, a line of female condoms treated with desensitizing cream to delay or eliminate the onset of female orgasm, or “hysterical paroxysm.” The “Blue Belle™” was developed after new government research proved that female orgasm is unnecessary and possibly dangerous to national security.

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