The Hazelden Center for Addiction Treatment today announced that First Horse Rafalca has been admitted for an unspecified condition. Hazelden did not supply any further details, citing a general cloak of secrecy surrounding the presidency.
Rafalca’s life-narrative is a success story much like Romney’s own. Raised in an atmosphere of wealth and privilege, she leveraged modest talent and ruthless ambition to gain a position beneath the future First Lady. Although she impressed Olympic crowds with the precision of her sidestepping, the well-groomed mare seemed wooden, and a bit out of her depth.
After President Romney’s hostile takover surprise ascendancy to the White House, Rafalca built on her fame with a turn on Dancing With the Stars, which ended abruptly when she broke both of Levi Johnston’s feet—a move that was popular with judges, but technically was against the rules. She quickly became a fixture on the New York club scene, gaining a reputation as a party horse. In recent weeks, Rafalca’s erratic behavior has fueled rumors of Oxycontin addiction, stoked by a notorious appearance on The View, during which the horse repeatedly referred to the president as “Mizzizzle.”
Speaking to reporters before his weekly Senate Prayer Breakfast by Monsanto™, President Romney declined to discuss specifics of Rafalca’s condition, but noted:
“Heh heh heh…We’re all praying for Rafalca. I know the entire nation will be proud and happy the day we strap her to the roof of the Presidential limo and drive her home.”