SNAPSHOTS FROM THE 2016 REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION

In an uncanny replay of 2012’s RNC, this year’s convention also will be cut short—this time by a plague of frogs. Many political analysts believe this finalizes a recent party split with God. As reported earlier in Mittopia, tensions have been brewing between the religious right and the Lord for some time.

God’s office did not respond to Mittopia’s inquiries, but court records show that His attorneys recently obtained an order directing the RNC to cease and desist from using His name in all proceedings.

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President’s Council for Physical Fitness Director Lance Armstrong kicked off the convention with a speech that most agreed was inspiring, if not entirely credible.

Armstrong, an American Hero and former Tour de France champion, spoke passionately of the grim necessity to re-elect the Romney-Ryan ticket.

“On a bicycle, I showed America that hard work, discipline, and personal integrity aren’t always enough to prevail. In government, The Romney-Ryan formula shows that if we exploit every resource, maximize every gray area, and cultivate every loophole, Americans can overcome the burden of a level playing field.”

After Armstrong’s speech, the inaugural day was interrupted by an additional plague, an outbreak of painful boils. To help distract delegates as they tore at their searing skin, Mitt Romney’s five sons took to the stage with an impromptu medley from The Osmond’s 1973 Mormon rock opera, The Plan.

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