Hoping to bridge a greater appeal to the difficult “female” voter bloc, Romney strategists have released a new volume of light erotica, Fifty Shades Of GOP.
Writing under a pseudonym, deceased author Ayn Rand sets double-X hearts aflutter with her new entry into the burgeoning “Tea-rotica” market.
The protagonist is tall and dashing, a Captain of Industry with just a touch of gray and “long, asset-stripping fingers,” as underscored by the author 187 times in the 456-page novel. He charms the young, lip-biting female lead with his smoldering offshore portfolio, and almost telepathic ability to say something mildly off-putting. Sexually, he is a Titan, with some kinky variations on the Missionary position.
Just as the two lovers come together despite their differences, GOP planners hope the book will arouse women so much that they overlook the party’s essential repugnance. Rand was tapped as author because of her flowing language, female-relatability, and her experience crafting Republican-influenced eros. Her 1943 novel The Fountainhead raised pulse rates with its steamy, forced-sex scenes, which Rand characterized as “rape by engraved invitation,” thus setting the template for the party’s platform on women’s issues.