PAUL RYAN: I KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN

In an exclusive excerpt from his upcoming tell-all book, Vice President Ryan draws a vivid portrait of his role in Navy SEAL Team 6, including never-before revealed details of how he gunned down Osama bin Laden.

Apparently unfazed by national security concerns, non-disclosure agreements, or military protocol, the VP recounts the minute-by-minute of what he calls Paul Ryan’s Longest Day:

“I was still a little woozy from the 6 or 8 Ambien I chocked before boarding the Blackhawk, but we’d all gotten used to the sleepwalking and hallucinations. The team waited, patient but tense as the chopper maneuvered toward the roof of bin Laden’s compound. Feeling emboldened, I jumped out at about 60 feet, and sprinted off ahead of the others.”

“When I burst into the living room, Osama was just sitting around in his shorts, eating pork rinds, drinking PBR, and watching low-res girl-on-girl porno. He didn’t seem much more threatening than your average liberal-arts student, but I knew he was the most wanted man in the world. So I leveled my Bain-Blackhawk Arms Marauder in my P90-X-ripped arms, and I double-tapped him to the head. Once would have been enough, but saying ‘double-tapped’ is so much cooler.”

Ryan goes on to recall the quiet jubilation when he called President Romney to confirm his kill. “Mitt and Ann were in The White House Situation Room, praying and reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. When I told them on the radio that I’d killed Osama, it was the closest to a genuine display of emotion I’ve ever heard from either of them.”

Ryan’s book will be in widespread release beginning Friday. His literary agents Rove & Partners confirm that a promotion tour will target markets in the Mid-West and Deep South “Gullibility Belts.” A screen adaptation is in the works, with Kirk Cameron coming out of retirement to play Ryan.

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One thought on “PAUL RYAN: I KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN

  1. Susan says:

    Gullibility Belts. Yes.
    Another morning chuckle and cringe.

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