Vice President Paul Ryan has called in the Justice Department after a string of tabloid newspapers refused to publish pictures of him topless. The VP expressed disappointment at the recent turn in the operation known as The Abs And The Furious, but said that he felt there was no other way to assert his overweening arrogance.
Ryan’s torso has been a subject of speculation for much of his term, so when news of the photos first circulated, a number of outlets vied for rights. But when it came to light that Ryan himself was the source of the leaked pictures, publishers backed away, conceding that this level of pandering was repellant even to them.
Ryan defended the move as a test of Vice Presidential freedom of expression, and an important morale builder for recently disenfranchised American women.
With legal action pending, it seems unlikely that the general public will be seeing Ryan’s ripples any time soon, but Mittopia’s entertainment staff has scoped raw stock of the not-so-leaked pix, According to our gossip-industry insider, the Veep looked good for a middle-aged man who gets most of his exercise privatizing interstates, but his pitches for publication would benefit from some manscaping. “Vice President or not, shoulder tufts do not get you on page two,” he notes. “No amount of Photoshop is going to clearcut that forest.”