ROMNEY SEX TAPE ROCKS CAMPAIGN!

Mittopia has obtained unedited copies of a secretly recorded sex tape, depicting President and Mrs. Romney in candid, intimate situations. The tape shows the First Couple unguarded and speaking freely, in contrast with the reserved, asexual image they project in public. Reaction to the tape has been strong since excerpts were released on Thursday, and The Committee to Re-Elect Mitt (CREEM) is scrambling to contain growing public sentiment that the President is a mechanistic, self-involved lover, unable to connect with the intimate needs of average Americans.

Scenes from the high-definition video show Mrs. Romney in a Lady Gaga-inpired meat-kini, attempting to entice the President out of his sacred undergarments, while Mr. Romney speaks openly on a variety of subjects, particularly his belief that much of the nation relies on the government for sexual entitlements.

“47 percent of Americans are dependent on the government for sex,” he tells an increasingly frustrated First Lady. “They feel like victims if they don’t climax, and they expect the government to provide for them. These poor and sometimes elderly leeches believe it’s the government’s responsibility to safeguard their freedoms, their happiness: Oral, anal, manual release, you name it. They will never take personal responsibility for repressing their filthy, carnal, working-class urges.”

“My job is not to worry about that 47 per cent.”

In spite of horrified reactions from political pundits, the President has not backed down from his controversial assertions. Late Thursday evening, he read a brief statement at a hastily convened press conference, broadcast from a Wendy’s in Sioux Falls, SD:

“I may have been inelegant in my words. But the fact remains: We are facing a choice between two visions of America. We can choose a totalitarian nightmare in which people have healthy, loving relationships based on a socialistic model of mutual benefit and satisfaction. Or—like Ann and me—we can embrace a patriotic, individualistic future in which pleasure is a cruel, loveless contest for dominance, stressing self-reliance, discipline, and garments fashioned from cold cuts.”

“I think you know where Team Romney stands on that, and this out-of-context 55-minute video does nothing to change our dream of a repressed, impoverished, and bitterly divided America.”

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One thought on “ROMNEY SEX TAPE ROCKS CAMPAIGN!

  1. Susan Hines says:

    I see: The Mittopian suggests two forms of undergarments–one sacred and one carne, one folded in the dresser drawer and the other–dare I suggest more powerful garment—placed in cold storage.

    I supposed the unfortunate, those without benefit of refrigeration (the homeless, the Amish) will make do with garments crafted of staples, twine, Slim Jims, beef jerky and spam. Or, in the case of the Amish, meat-kinis hastily hand sewn from left over ham slices. Perhaps this is already the case. We know so little of their ways.

    I do not look forward to this future. WWVD (What will vegetarians do?)

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