HHS TO BEGIN IMMUNIZING POOR AGAINST NEW STRAIN OF “VOTING FEVER”

With cold, flu, and election season right around the corner, Surgeon General Bill Frist announced a series of public service programs designed to reduce community reliance on unhealthy voting practices. Expressing concern about a possible epidemic of voting in poor and minority neighborhoods, Frist detailed an education and immunization program rolling out in areas typically beyond the reach of GOP operatives.

One of the only non-fee health initiatives operating under Ryan Care, the anti-voting program draws heavily on research commissioned by Liberty University Medical School, which suggests that polls are among the chief vectors for a potent vote-borne virus, known as “Democracy Fever.”

The cornerstone of the program is a new vaccine developed by Citicorp National Institutes of Health. Marketed under the trade name “Rove-itussin,” the vaccine soothes sore throats, relieves the pressure of making decisions, and contains powerful voter suppressants. Unlike potentially unhealthy ballot-casting activities, access to the vaccine will not require an ID.

On the education front, disadvantaged citizens will enjoy an animated feature on the powerful social stigma attached to voters—the first in a series of government PSAs called School Voucher Rock. Retro 70s tunes and kitschy animation highlight the inherent uncoolness of political enfranchisement.

Above all, Frist advised caution against potential minority voting outbreaks. His best advice for left-leaning communities at risk for spontaneous voting is common sense and vigilance:

“If you think you might be sick—if you even feel the slightest suggestion of a sniffle of inclination to vote Democratic—stay home from the polls. And don’t do that absentee ballot thing—it’s a telemarketing scam, and you’ll NEVER get them to stop calling. Just get into bed, drink plenty of cheap beer, and watch endless TV. But be careful not to watch election returns within 24 hours of receiving Rove-itussin, as it may cause intense feelings of existential dread and nausea. In some cases, this sensation may last longer than four years.”

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