SEAMUS SPEAKS: MITT ROMNEY WATERBOARDED ME

President Romney’s newly enacted pro-torture program has an unlikely foe in the First Family’s late dog Seamus. Speaking in an exclusive interview with Mittopia, Seamus accused the President of using “enhanced obedience training techniques,” including waterboarding, extended sleep deprivation, and continuous, high-decibel replay of The Osmonds’ 1971 hit “One Bad Apple (Don’t Spoil The Whole Bunch Girl.”)

President Romney is defending Seamus’ stringent training regimen, pointing out that “He was a water dog, an Irish Setter–or at least he had an Irish name. Seamus was outdoorsy, he loved the water, and fresh air. We only used these very specialized training techniques to break him of some inappropriate elimination habits. Believe me, after a couple of gentle lungsful of pure, mountain spring water, he wasn’t ‘making’ on the station wagon roof anymore.”

The President is an avid fan of waterboarding and other “enhanced interrogation” techniques, stubbornly ignoring assertions of ineffectiveness by FBI sources, as well as condemnation from pretty much every civilized nation in the world. His repeal of an Executive Order establishing guidelines for interrogations contradicts a 2006 Supreme Court decision, as well as the Geneva Convention. The President is dismissing both of these institutions as “ spineless terror collaborators.”

Mr. Romney frequently has assailed ex-President Obama as “soft on terrorism,” in spite of the Obama administration’s record of killing Osama bin Laden, and eliminating numerous high-level al Qaeda operatives.

Mr. Romney contends that “meeting terrorism head-on means more than just removing immediate threats to national security, it means instilling a greater level of fear and paranoia in the citizenry, expanding the military budget beyond The Pentagon’s own requests, and reinforcing deep rifts of suspicion toward non-white, non- Christian Americans.”

Seamus’ arc to posthumous fame began after newspaper reports that the future President once strapped him to the roof of the family station wagon on an extended vacation drive. Since running away from the family in Canada, Seamus has lived as an expatriate, an outspoken advocate of human and animal rights, and a frequent speaker on behalf of Amnesty International.

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