GOP CARVES NEW PATH TO VICTORY AS CHRISTIE, HUCKABEE CONSUME OHIO

With President Romney’s chances fading in the aftermath of gaffes, furniture upstagings, and a frustratingly inept voter suppression effort, campaign advisors feel the safest route to securing the crucial swing state of Ohio is simply to devour it.

Moderates within the party suggested just having Christie bellow Ohio into submission, but top officials decided the more prudent political course was to harness the proven gorging potential of the GOP’s two most powerful eaters.

Attempting to woo voters with heroic feats of gluttony may seem a risky move with President Romney preparing for this week’s debates, but many insiders believe it will be a welcome distraction from the President’s almost inevitable stream of half-truths, sour humor, and divisive rhetoric.

Polls show the President continues to have difficulty connecting with many working Americans, so Republican operatives hope that incorporating obesity and binge-eating into the campaign language will put him more in touch with his core constituency.

Ironically, Huckabee earlier had succumbed to “healthy eating” propaganda, even authoring a popular weight-loss book, but came to realize that his political fortunes were closely tied with his ability to devour his opponents. Since returning to his former robust profile, he reports “I feel like crap, and I can barely make it up a flight of stairs. But if living on Twinkies and Mars Bars is the price for a healthy America, it’s a sacrifice I’m making.”

As of Saturday evening, Christie and Huckabee successfully had consumed Cuyahoga, Hamilton, and Franklin counties. Less Democratic-intensive rural areas will follow after a palate-cleansing cucumber granita.

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4 thoughts on “GOP CARVES NEW PATH TO VICTORY AS CHRISTIE, HUCKABEE CONSUME OHIO

  1. ryankane says:

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    • Mittopian says:

      Hi Ryan, MIttopian has checked out your blog, and does find it interesting that a self-described “Teenage Republican intern” has posted here. This either means that there is yet hope you to grow into a thoughtful, engaged citizen, or that you are the ideal, obtuse future of the GOP. Either way, thanks for visiting!

  2. Yikes. I’m not getting in the way of those maws…

    • Mittopian says:

      Be afraid. Because the more they eat, the greater their gravitational pull will become. Eventually, it may grow strong enough to draw all swing states into their anxious gullets.

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