Category Archives: Book Review

ROMNEY SONS’ BOOK REVEALS RAW SIDE OF CELEBRITY

A blockbuster new volume by Mitt Romney’s sons exposes startling truths about the Romney clan, and the inside story behind the meteoric rise and eventual break-up of popular 70s rock group, The Mittones. The book includes shocking, frank revelations of sex, drug use, and the future President’s overbearing need to drive his sons, Mitts 2 through 6, to ever-greater heights of success.

Started on a ten-thousand dollar bet with Texas Governor Rick Perry, The Mittones grew from humble beginnings rehearsing in the family basement, to selling out stadium venues worldwide. They still enjoy a cult following in Japan, where their album Mittones At Budokan is considered a classic of 70s arena rock. But behind the scenes on that road to stardom, the sons were anything but one big happy family.

“He drove us so hard, every night he had us rehearsing and rehearsing,” Mitt 4 told Mittopia’s entertainment staff. “He was obsessed with The Partridge Family. He cut my hair like Danny Bonaduce—I told him playing the bass hurt my fingers, but he just said that not everybody got to be David Cassidy and wear a shag.”

But bad haircuts and itchy floral shirts were just surface tension; as the Mittones’ fame grew, so did their travails, sometimes to legendary proportions. Mitt 6 was arrested with a hooker in Atlanta, after trashing a hotel room and driving a rental car into a swimming pool. Mitt 4 endured years of tabloid headlines after his break-up with R&B singer Seal. And Mitt 2—pressured even more in his role as lead vocalist—descended into drug addiction.

“One night before a show, I was just so tired. I didn’t know how I’d go on. Then one of the roadies offered me a cup of coffee,” he recounts in a chapter called The Low-Fat Latte and The Damage Done.  “That was the beginning of my descent into Hell. The stimulating hot drink hit me like a freight train. Before I knew it, scoring was the first thing on my mind, every day. If I couldn’t find a Starbucks or a 7-11, I couldn’t go on stage. I was a monster.”

The sons join Republican presidential offspring like Ron Reagan and George W Bush in airing their family grievances in a highly-profitable public forum. A national book tour promoting the volume begins next week, with a coordinated release of a 6 CD Box Set, Never Mind The Sacred Undergarments, Here’s The Mittones.

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PAUL RYAN: I KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN

In an exclusive excerpt from his upcoming tell-all book, Vice President Ryan draws a vivid portrait of his role in Navy SEAL Team 6, including never-before revealed details of how he gunned down Osama bin Laden.

Apparently unfazed by national security concerns, non-disclosure agreements, or military protocol, the VP recounts the minute-by-minute of what he calls Paul Ryan’s Longest Day:

“I was still a little woozy from the 6 or 8 Ambien I chocked before boarding the Blackhawk, but we’d all gotten used to the sleepwalking and hallucinations. The team waited, patient but tense as the chopper maneuvered toward the roof of bin Laden’s compound. Feeling emboldened, I jumped out at about 60 feet, and sprinted off ahead of the others.”

“When I burst into the living room, Osama was just sitting around in his shorts, eating pork rinds, drinking PBR, and watching low-res girl-on-girl porno. He didn’t seem much more threatening than your average liberal-arts student, but I knew he was the most wanted man in the world. So I leveled my Bain-Blackhawk Arms Marauder in my P90-X-ripped arms, and I double-tapped him to the head. Once would have been enough, but saying ‘double-tapped’ is so much cooler.”

Ryan goes on to recall the quiet jubilation when he called President Romney to confirm his kill. “Mitt and Ann were in The White House Situation Room, praying and reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. When I told them on the radio that I’d killed Osama, it was the closest to a genuine display of emotion I’ve ever heard from either of them.”

Ryan’s book will be in widespread release beginning Friday. His literary agents Rove & Partners confirm that a promotion tour will target markets in the Mid-West and Deep South “Gullibility Belts.” A screen adaptation is in the works, with Kirk Cameron coming out of retirement to play Ryan.

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