Category Archives: Culture

HOLIDAY UPDATE: LABOR’S NEW LOOK

The White House has announced that Labor Day will be getting a makeover, to bring it more into line with contemporary values. It will now be called “Monsanto Day.”

This is the latest in an initiative to privatize national holidays, which began in late 2013, with the outsourcing of the Mid-Winter Pharmaceuticals: ThanksGlaxo, Squibb-Mas, and New Year’s Day by SKF Pharma.

Since 1894, Labor Day has been recognized as a time to honor the contribution of workers to American society.

President Romney has long campaigned to divorce the day from these Socialist origins.

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BIRTHER BANTER BUOYS BARBED BARON

In recognition of his contributions to the field of presidential humor, Donald Trump has been awarded the title of United States Jester Laureate.

Trump frequently acted as an informal advisor on whimsy and practical jokes during President Romney’s campaign. His formula of birther quips and snide jabs at the expense of ordinary, working Americans proved critical to Romney, who might otherwise have seemed wooden and remote.

Though Trump’s new post is ceremonial and currently conveys no legislative authority, it boasts an artist’s endowment annuity of $2.7 billion in Bain-Sankaty preferred shares.

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WEEKEND ARTS UPDATE

National Endowment for the Arts Chairman Dave Mustaine today announced the establishment of a new “Thrasher’s Fund” to encourage artistic achievement in the hairband field. Grant applications will be considered in the areas of general shredding, pinch harmonics, neck synchronization and “guitar face.” Mustaine replaces former chair Ted Nugent, who recently left the post to return to the private sector; Nugent is currently Brigadier Assistant VP for Development at Lockheed-Martin/Boeing Aviation Joint Chiefs of Staff.

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