Category Archives: Economy

NEW FEMA-AMWAY TIE-IN IS GOOD NEWS FOR HOUSING STARTS

The White House is trumpeting a major boom in the emergency housing market, kickstarted by Romney-Ryan initiatives including the “Job Creator’s Tax Relief Fund,” and the final leasing of Pennsylvania and New York State to Haliburton’s Fracking Division.

Shacks, shanties, and lean-tos are up 35% nationwide, and both truck- and car-homes have seen significant growth. The trend has been under study by administration economists eager to exploit the burgeoning “transitional homes” segment, while still retaining an appearance of engagement with the dispossessed.

Seeking to take advantage of current market conditions, Press Secretary Rupert Murdoch announced that The Federal Emergency Management Agency is partnering with Amway Industries to produce and distribute a unique, flat-pack “Pioneer Spirit” home. Constructed of durable, double-ply “America-Board,” the homes will come in a number of configurations, all featuring spacious, open floor plans, and LEED-certified biodegradable design.

The dwellings meet the administration’s “off-grid” energy goal, bringing utility expenses to zero.  “We feel that harnessing natural, human body heat is the best way for us to eliminate our dependence on foreign energy sources, and the Pioneer Home seemed like the ideal platform to introduce that concept to the market, “ Murdoch said.

Pioneer Spirit by FemAmway will be distributed through a unique, multi-level marketing channel. Entrepreneurs will have the opportunity to create networks of partners to develop their very own “Romney-villes”across the country.

Murdoch told reporters that the Pioneer Home is a keystone success for administration policies. “Rather than give a handout to those who choose to experience natural disaster or financial ruin, we’re giving them a chance to re-build communities through market forces. This is the way America works under President Romney’s leadership.”

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RYAN: I MISRECALLED MOON LANDING, BUDGET DETAILS

Vice President Paul Ryan today conceded that his memory was faulty when he boasted to a radio interviewer that he was the first man to set foot on the surface of the moon. Ryan’s office noted that as a child, the Vice President frequently enjoyed gazing at the moon, and he got a little mixed up in his recollection of events.

This is the second time this week that Ryan admitted to some small cognitive difficulties. On Monday, he confessed that a slip carrying a decimal point in the Ryan Budget is at the heart of the greatest inequality in wealth in the nation’s history.

“With millions subsisting on cat food or worse, it’s a little embarrassing to confess that I really never was that good at math,” Ryan told reporters in a boyish-yet-still-commanding tone.

“After all, my only business experience before coming to Washington was working the grill at McDonalds. It’s kind of ironic to think that same job is probably now held by a senior citizen being paid half as much, due to the repeal of all minimum wage laws,” Ryan said with a chuckle.

Ryan declined to respond to any specific questions about his cognitive or moral fitness to continue his duties. His office did express hope that the pointless media flap surrounding his claim as a pioneering space traveler would distract the nation from some of his more egregious fabrications.

White House fact-checkers confirmed that the first man on the moon was actually Texas Governor Lance Armstrong, who helped establish the Browning-Ferris Industries Lunar Landfill in 1986, along with fellow astronauts Clint Eastwood and Tommy Lee Jones, as recounted in the movie Space Cowboys.

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TAX CODE: ROMNEY-RYAN REHAB RELIEVES RICH

The White House today unveiled details of the 2013 Romney-Ryan Tax Relief Plan, which reflects the President’s experience as a corporate asset stripper successful CEO, as well as the Vice President’s fetishistic devotion to objectivist philosopher Ayn Rand.

In a televised address that relied heavily on Powerpoint ProTools and the uplifting music of composer Richard Wagner, the President outlined a three-tiered scheme to infuse cash into the sectors that need it most.

Under the new tax code, IRS-Diebold will issue refunds to corporate individuals in the form of stock options or uncollateralized securities. Corporations who E-file can choose to have their returns transmitted directly to their portfolio, Swiss bank account, or participating H&R Block locations. Mail filers should provide an address for an attorney or offshore shell corporation. Corporate filers who did not pay any taxes will still receive a refund.

Most non-corporate persons and families will not be receiving a refund. They should expect a bill within 30 days of filing. All invoices are net 15 days, with a 2% daily penalty for late payment.

Medicare recipients and lower income taxpayers seeking a refund must be prepared to present 10-12 years of annotated tax documents, along with a government-issued taxpayer ID card. Refunds will be transmitted as vouchers, redeemable at all Best Buy and Blockbuster locations.

Closing his remarks in an uncomfortably folksy tone, the president underscored the new tax code’s emphasis on fairness for traditionally marginalized ultra-high earners:

“A lot of us know that when we face tough times, the best way to make both ends meat is by stretching USDA-unregulated beef with breadcrumbs. If we put an end to big government interference, and ensure the well-being of our precious job creators, inevitably they will drop some of those crumbs, giving all card-carrying citizens a fair chance to prosper and grow.”

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