Category Archives: Election

GOP CARVES NEW PATH TO VICTORY AS CHRISTIE, HUCKABEE CONSUME OHIO

With President Romney’s chances fading in the aftermath of gaffes, furniture upstagings, and a frustratingly inept voter suppression effort, campaign advisors feel the safest route to securing the crucial swing state of Ohio is simply to devour it.

Moderates within the party suggested just having Christie bellow Ohio into submission, but top officials decided the more prudent political course was to harness the proven gorging potential of the GOP’s two most powerful eaters.

Attempting to woo voters with heroic feats of gluttony may seem a risky move with President Romney preparing for this week’s debates, but many insiders believe it will be a welcome distraction from the President’s almost inevitable stream of half-truths, sour humor, and divisive rhetoric.

Polls show the President continues to have difficulty connecting with many working Americans, so Republican operatives hope that incorporating obesity and binge-eating into the campaign language will put him more in touch with his core constituency.

Ironically, Huckabee earlier had succumbed to “healthy eating” propaganda, even authoring a popular weight-loss book, but came to realize that his political fortunes were closely tied with his ability to devour his opponents. Since returning to his former robust profile, he reports “I feel like crap, and I can barely make it up a flight of stairs. But if living on Twinkies and Mars Bars is the price for a healthy America, it’s a sacrifice I’m making.”

As of Saturday evening, Christie and Huckabee successfully had consumed Cuyahoga, Hamilton, and Franklin counties. Less Democratic-intensive rural areas will follow after a palate-cleansing cucumber granita.

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OUT OF THE HEADLINES, RYAN STEPS UP EFFORT TO REMIND PUBLIC HE’S STILL ALIVE

Vice President Paul Ryan is continuing to assert his relevancy to the Executive Branch with a novel approach to campaigning, a cross country whistle-stop self-help seminar called “Paul Ryan’s 7 Habits of Moderately Effective Douchebags.”

Riding on the success of Paul Ryan’s P-90x Wii-Fit Workout, and Paul Ryan’s Privatizing for Dummies, the Veep’s 3-day Ayn Rand-inspired empowerment workshop includes training in Basic and Advanced Prevarication, Applied Disregard for Normal Human Needs, Creative Mathematics, and General Pandering. An entire afternoon is devoted to Boyishly Ingratiating Smirking.

Though Ryan has never worked in the private sector, his course has had great success with corporate clients, who report that the curriculum emphasizing grimly class-based financial calculus, and a general lack of humanity, is a tremendous boon for rising young executives.

Tranche Hobbes III is one such attendee. Since starting his career as a toxic mortgage-bundling executive for a major Wall Street firm, he quickly advanced to a seven-figure annual salary, but nettlesome inner hints of social awareness were holding him back from his true potential.

“When I took that ridiculous Tony Robbins course, I only learned how to walk over hot coals without incurring third degree burns. At the Paul Ryan Seminar, I learned how to walk over the white-hot corpses of my social inferiors without feeling a twinge of remorse! Paul Ryan made me feel good about crushing the dreams of little people, because he reminded me that I deserved to succeed, and they didn’t!”

Ryan’s seminar goes national this week, and is coordinated to avoid cities in which President Romney is appearing, as the campaign feels Ryan is “most effective when he’s playing his intellectual maverick role—far, far away from the President.”

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ROMNEY SEX TAPE ROCKS CAMPAIGN!

Mittopia has obtained unedited copies of a secretly recorded sex tape, depicting President and Mrs. Romney in candid, intimate situations. The tape shows the First Couple unguarded and speaking freely, in contrast with the reserved, asexual image they project in public. Reaction to the tape has been strong since excerpts were released on Thursday, and The Committee to Re-Elect Mitt (CREEM) is scrambling to contain growing public sentiment that the President is a mechanistic, self-involved lover, unable to connect with the intimate needs of average Americans.

Scenes from the high-definition video show Mrs. Romney in a Lady Gaga-inpired meat-kini, attempting to entice the President out of his sacred undergarments, while Mr. Romney speaks openly on a variety of subjects, particularly his belief that much of the nation relies on the government for sexual entitlements.

“47 percent of Americans are dependent on the government for sex,” he tells an increasingly frustrated First Lady. “They feel like victims if they don’t climax, and they expect the government to provide for them. These poor and sometimes elderly leeches believe it’s the government’s responsibility to safeguard their freedoms, their happiness: Oral, anal, manual release, you name it. They will never take personal responsibility for repressing their filthy, carnal, working-class urges.”

“My job is not to worry about that 47 per cent.”

In spite of horrified reactions from political pundits, the President has not backed down from his controversial assertions. Late Thursday evening, he read a brief statement at a hastily convened press conference, broadcast from a Wendy’s in Sioux Falls, SD:

“I may have been inelegant in my words. But the fact remains: We are facing a choice between two visions of America. We can choose a totalitarian nightmare in which people have healthy, loving relationships based on a socialistic model of mutual benefit and satisfaction. Or—like Ann and me—we can embrace a patriotic, individualistic future in which pleasure is a cruel, loveless contest for dominance, stressing self-reliance, discipline, and garments fashioned from cold cuts.”

“I think you know where Team Romney stands on that, and this out-of-context 55-minute video does nothing to change our dream of a repressed, impoverished, and bitterly divided America.”

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CINEMA MITTOPIA

Mittopia proudly presents:
MITTOPIA: THE MOVIE

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GOEBBELS TO RYAN: KEEP TRYIN’

Nazi propagandist Josef Goebbels made a surprise weigh-in on the 2016 presidential race this weekend.

Speaking with host Charles Krauthammer on Meet The Press, the onetime Reichsminister expressed support for embattled Veep Paul Ryan, while reserving some harsh words for those invoking Goebbels’ reputation as a master fabulist.

“For the last three or four years, whenever my name enters the public conversation, it’s linked with Vice President Ryan’s, so I’d really like to set the record straight,” Goebbels told Krauthammer.

“I’m behind the Romney-Ryan ticket 100-percent. And I’m a huge fan of Paul Ryan—big, big fan. I’ve been watching him for some time, and he’s always impressed me. His lying game is strong on the fundamentals, he’s got tremendous stamina, and he can lie convincingly at the drop of a hat.”

“He’s good. Really good. He’s just not Goebbels good.”

Though out of the public eye since his 1945 suicide, Goebbels lately enjoys renewed popularity as a conservative pundit. His early-AM talk show “Das Morgen Josef” is syndicated in over 350 markets.

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SNAPSHOTS FROM THE 2016 REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION

In an uncanny replay of 2012’s RNC, this year’s convention also will be cut short—this time by a plague of frogs. Many political analysts believe this finalizes a recent party split with God. As reported earlier in Mittopia, tensions have been brewing between the religious right and the Lord for some time.

God’s office did not respond to Mittopia’s inquiries, but court records show that His attorneys recently obtained an order directing the RNC to cease and desist from using His name in all proceedings.

*****

President’s Council for Physical Fitness Director Lance Armstrong kicked off the convention with a speech that most agreed was inspiring, if not entirely credible.

Armstrong, an American Hero and former Tour de France champion, spoke passionately of the grim necessity to re-elect the Romney-Ryan ticket.

“On a bicycle, I showed America that hard work, discipline, and personal integrity aren’t always enough to prevail. In government, The Romney-Ryan formula shows that if we exploit every resource, maximize every gray area, and cultivate every loophole, Americans can overcome the burden of a level playing field.”

After Armstrong’s speech, the inaugural day was interrupted by an additional plague, an outbreak of painful boils. To help distract delegates as they tore at their searing skin, Mitt Romney’s five sons took to the stage with an impromptu medley from The Osmond’s 1973 Mormon rock opera, The Plan.

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