With the repeal of “Obamacare,” President Romney has announced details of his signature non-universal healthcare initiative, proudly noting that the United States can at last re-join third world nations around the globe in failing to provide a non-emergency level of care to all its citizens.
Widespread healthcare, Romney said, was taking the US down a dangerous, socialist road, similar to that traveled by Europeans, British, Canadians, Asians, Scandinavians, South Americans, Australians, and other threatening allied nationals.
Siding instead with “the plucky little guys” like Paraguay, Rwanda, and Papua New Guinea, Romney told reporters he hopes to demonstrate that America is a friend to the free market “wherever it flourishes, whether in a corporate boardroom, a goatskin hut, or a Tijuana pharmacy selling outdated antibiotics.”
“As always, the free market regulates products to maximize its own profit,” he continued.
“That’s the best way to help our citizens attain their healthcare dreams. Because threatening ordinary Americans with potentially crippling hospital bills helps motivate self-reliance and productivity, rather than a victim culture of ‘entitlement sickness,’ where people take on serious disabilities without a thought of the long-term consequences.”
“For too long, Americans have felt entitled to unrestrained disease acquisitions, and all because of the promise of ‘free doctors,’ and ‘hospital beds.’ We want to encourage Americans to become sick within their means—and if they can’t afford that illness, America is still the country where people can dream of becoming wealthy enough to afford any affliction.”
“And that’s what healthcare in America is about—taking responsibility for your illness, and not expecting the government to take care of you. The Romney Health Act stresses self-reliance, positive lifestyle improvements, and, in the case of serious conditions—walking it off.”
Romney did re-assure the country that low-income families are not forgotten under the plan. Qualifying applicants will receive Band-Aid and ointment vouchers, as well as one of those Jesus Good Luck candles they sell in all the bodegas.