Category Archives: Health Policy

ROMNEYCARE BRINGS PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY BACK TO ILLNESS

With the repeal of “Obamacare,” President Romney has announced details of his signature non-universal healthcare initiative, proudly noting that the United States can at last re-join third world nations around the globe in failing to provide a non-emergency level of care to all its citizens.

Widespread healthcare, Romney said, was taking the US down a dangerous, socialist road, similar to that traveled by Europeans, British, Canadians, Asians, Scandinavians, South Americans, Australians, and other threatening allied nationals.

Siding instead with “the plucky little guys” like Paraguay, Rwanda, and Papua New Guinea, Romney told reporters he hopes to demonstrate that America is a friend to the free market “wherever it flourishes, whether in a corporate boardroom, a goatskin hut, or a Tijuana pharmacy selling outdated antibiotics.”

“As always, the free market regulates products to maximize its own profit,” he continued.

“That’s the best way to help our citizens attain their healthcare dreams. Because threatening ordinary Americans with potentially crippling hospital bills helps motivate self-reliance and productivity, rather than a victim culture of ‘entitlement sickness,’ where people take on serious disabilities without a thought of the long-term consequences.”

“For too long, Americans have felt entitled to unrestrained disease acquisitions, and all because of the promise of ‘free doctors,’ and ‘hospital beds.’ We want to encourage Americans to become sick within their means—and if they can’t afford that illness, America is still the country where people can dream of becoming wealthy enough to afford any affliction.”

“And that’s what healthcare in America is about—taking responsibility for your illness, and not expecting the government to take care of you. The Romney Health Act stresses self-reliance, positive lifestyle improvements, and, in the case of serious conditions—walking it off.”

Romney did re-assure the country that low-income families are not forgotten under the plan. Qualifying applicants will receive Band-Aid and ointment vouchers, as well as one of those Jesus  Good Luck candles they sell in all the bodegas.

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HHS TO BEGIN IMMUNIZING POOR AGAINST NEW STRAIN OF “VOTING FEVER”

With cold, flu, and election season right around the corner, Surgeon General Bill Frist announced a series of public service programs designed to reduce community reliance on unhealthy voting practices. Expressing concern about a possible epidemic of voting in poor and minority neighborhoods, Frist detailed an education and immunization program rolling out in areas typically beyond the reach of GOP operatives.

One of the only non-fee health initiatives operating under Ryan Care, the anti-voting program draws heavily on research commissioned by Liberty University Medical School, which suggests that polls are among the chief vectors for a potent vote-borne virus, known as “Democracy Fever.”

The cornerstone of the program is a new vaccine developed by Citicorp National Institutes of Health. Marketed under the trade name “Rove-itussin,” the vaccine soothes sore throats, relieves the pressure of making decisions, and contains powerful voter suppressants. Unlike potentially unhealthy ballot-casting activities, access to the vaccine will not require an ID.

On the education front, disadvantaged citizens will enjoy an animated feature on the powerful social stigma attached to voters—the first in a series of government PSAs called School Voucher Rock. Retro 70s tunes and kitschy animation highlight the inherent uncoolness of political enfranchisement.

Above all, Frist advised caution against potential minority voting outbreaks. His best advice for left-leaning communities at risk for spontaneous voting is common sense and vigilance:

“If you think you might be sick—if you even feel the slightest suggestion of a sniffle of inclination to vote Democratic—stay home from the polls. And don’t do that absentee ballot thing—it’s a telemarketing scam, and you’ll NEVER get them to stop calling. Just get into bed, drink plenty of cheap beer, and watch endless TV. But be careful not to watch election returns within 24 hours of receiving Rove-itussin, as it may cause intense feelings of existential dread and nausea. In some cases, this sensation may last longer than four years.”

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ROMNEY: NO MORE MR. NICE GUY

The National Naval Medical Center confirms that President Romney is recovering nicely after minor surgery to remove a few small remnants of a sense of shame. The President is known to have damaged his sense of shame in a corporate takeover exercise early in his private-sector career; since then, he has occasionally been bothered by twinges of conscience–a medical term referring to an episodic sense of psychic discomfort brought on by compromised actions or decisions.

As President, Romney typically spends an average of 3-5 hours a day in active antagonism, and the physical toll was increasingly aggravating his shame centers.  Historically, he has worked through these distracting flare-ups, and has always prided himself on a high shame threshold. But medical and political advisors counseled him that the elective procedure might make it more comfortable for him to maintain his rigorous schedule of offending international sensibilities, insulting domestic factions, and alienating everyday, working Americans.

In a brief press conference, doctors said that Romney will remain in the hospital for a few days, so they can monitor his system to be certain it is adjusting to the total lack of self-censure. After a few weeks’ recuperation, the President should be able to function much as he always has, but free from the potential distraction of critical inner dialogue.

Doctors noted that a sense of shame is believed to have once served a purpose in Chief Executives, but now is considered extraneous, like the appendix, or minimum wage laws. Recent polls suggest that among the most affluent Americans, elective shame removal is increasingly popular, eclipsing circumcision and rhinoplasty as the most requested surgery for newborns.

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AKIN EXPLAINS LATEST GAFFE: BECAUSE I GOT HIGH

Beleaguered Planned Parenthood Director Todd Akin is once again in the spotlight for polarizing remarks made during a television interview. Speaking with an unusually wide-eyed John Stossel, Akin claimed “the female hoo-ha has ways of shutting down the whole process in instances of non Judeo-Christian acts, including scissors, back door, and reverse cowgirl.”

Today in a short video statement funded by the Democratic National Committee, Akin provided some context for his controversial remarks:

“I misspoke. In fact, I was tripping balls on 250 mikes of Lavender Lucy. Whooo-wee!”

“I had been speaking with some of my colleagues about the role of Jesus Christ in government, and one of them—a sneaky Democrat I won’t name—asked me if my beliefs had anything to do with a history of LSD.”

“I don’t like to admit it, but I’m a bit dyslexic, and I thought she said LDS. Or course, President Romney belongs to the Church of The Latter Day Saints, and I’ve always been curious about his faith. So when Mrs. McCaskill offered me a tablet that would explain it all to me without actually reading The Book Of Mormon, I was intrigued.”

“It’s unfortunate that the interview was filmed while I was still under the influence of this powerful hallucinogen. LSD is a hell of a drug.”

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SPECIAL REPORT: ROMNEY ADMINISTRATION’S FOCUS ON FEMALES

Newly appointed Planned Parenthood director Todd Akin today announced an effort in partnership with Coca-Cola, aimed at helping legitimate rape victims who face unwanted pregnancies.

“When I was growing up in Missouri in the ‘50s and early ‘60s, kids were taught that Coca-Cola was an effective ‘morning after’ product, as well as a delicious, refreshing beverage. All the fast girls knew that using Coke ‘down there’ would stop any babies in their tracks,” Akin told Mittopia.

Although most Planned Parenthood offices were shuttered immediately after President Romney took office, the retooled Planned Parenthood By Coca-Cola RJR Sony will be conducting outreach campaigns in malls, schools, and other religious institutions.

Rape victims who submit an affidavit of authenticity will receive a special “victim’s gift bag” consisting of two commemorative ‘50s-style glass bottles of Coke, an extra-scratchy set of “shaming underpants,” and a short pamphlet titled “Coping With the Unwanted Child You’re Going to Have Anyway…With Coke!”

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Vice President Ryan and Surgeon General Bill Frist are sponsoring an initiative to protect the right of pharmacists to deny sales of intimate lubricants on the basis of religious belief or social awkwardness.

“These despicable products are part of a radical feminist agenda that sex should not be painful and confusing. They reinforce a pleasure-seeking mindset that should make women feel ashamed and icky, and we support efforts to allow medical professionals to follow their conscience, ” a White House press release said.

In related news, government partners Women’s Clinics by Blackwater-Trojan Industries will debut a new category of women’s health product, a line of female condoms treated with desensitizing cream to delay or eliminate the onset of female orgasm, or “hysterical paroxysm.” The “Blue Belle™” was developed after new government research proved that female orgasm is unnecessary and possibly dangerous to national security.

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