Talks between President Romney’s sideburns and the rest of his hair have broken down. In the absence of major concessions from the sideburns, the darker majority has voted unanimously to go on strike beginning at midnight. The dark hair has formed a loose coalition under the banner name Occupy White Streak.
Occupy White Streak has yet to release a cohesive position statement, but they did issue a brief declaration through counsel:
“The sideburns are just a small percentage of the President’s magnificent coiffeur, but they control a disproportionate segment of the President’s image. These few white hairs have not earned their attention.”
“We know the unwritten rules of the President’s hair: For all his talk of class mobility, there are some boundaries that don’t get crossed. At the end of every day, we retire burned by chemical dyes and smothered in gel, knowing that we will wake up tomorrow and start this dirty grind all over again, while the sideburns live in segregated, pampered comfort.”
“We have suffered the indignity of this marginalization for years. Our young grow up knowing there are two sides of the tracks: Sideburns, and the rest of us. We will not suffer silently any longer. We are The Coif Creators! We are the 99%!”
Administration spokespeople were not available for comment, but a tactical barber team was seen arriving at the White House earlier today, armed with tasers and CS gas. Anonymous sources within the Pentagon confirm that strategists are preparing for the possibility of Occupy movements breaking out on other parts of the President’s body.