President Romney is at the center of a major doping scandal, after results from the first presidential debate show him testing positive for a variety of performance enhancing drugs.
Audience members noted that Romney seemed unusually animated, occasionally lapsing into vigorous hand chops and body movement. Some observers saw this as an early warning sign for the President, as Mormon doctrine discourages motion below the neck, a safeguard against accidental carnality.
And as the debate unfolded and Romney became increasingly emotive, more viewers began to sense that Romney might not be running a clean performance.
Host Jim Lehrer’s worst suspicions were confirmed when Romney’s routine post-debate tests showed illegal levels of EPO, testosterone, ephedrine, and RockStar Energy Drink.
“I guess a lot of people thought he looked Presidential,” said Lehrer. “I thought he seemed a bit crazed, like he had too much cough syrup, or he was still riding the high from harvesting the profits of a failing company.”
The use of PEDs in politics has been a source of controversy since revelations that Vice President Dick Cheney received weekly transfusions of human blood. The former VP has long maintained that the transfusions did not affect his performance while in office, he simply enjoyed the taste.
Political observers theorize that Romney has been using the potent blood-enhancers to help reinforce his own appearance of humanity. In spite of initial test results—and emergent rumors of empty syringes carelessly left in Romney’s dressing room—GOP officials nevertheless maintain that Romney won the first debate.
“Where some might see the President exploiting an unfair advantage, we just see him using the best America’s free, unregulated, pharmaceutical industry has to offer in ingenuity and innovation,” said Romney campaign medical advisor Neil Newhouse.
“We’re not going to let pee checkers dictate how we run our campaign.”