Category Archives: Presidential Debates

BREAKING: ROMNEY FAILS POST-DEBATE URINE TEST

President Romney is at the center of a major doping scandal, after results from the first presidential debate show him testing positive for a variety of performance enhancing drugs.

Audience members noted that Romney seemed unusually animated, occasionally lapsing into vigorous hand chops and body movement. Some observers saw this as an early warning sign for the President, as Mormon doctrine discourages motion below the neck, a safeguard against accidental carnality.

And as the debate unfolded and Romney became increasingly emotive, more viewers began to sense that Romney might not be running a clean performance.

Host Jim Lehrer’s worst suspicions were confirmed when Romney’s routine post-debate tests showed illegal levels of EPO, testosterone, ephedrine, and RockStar Energy Drink.

“I guess a lot of people thought he looked Presidential,” said Lehrer. “I thought he seemed a bit crazed, like he had too much cough syrup, or he was still riding the high from harvesting the profits of a failing company.”

The use of PEDs in politics has been a source of controversy since revelations that Vice President Dick Cheney received weekly transfusions of human blood. The former VP has long maintained that the transfusions did not affect his performance while in office, he simply enjoyed the taste.

Political observers theorize that Romney has been using the potent blood-enhancers to help reinforce his own appearance of humanity. In spite of initial test results—and emergent rumors of empty syringes carelessly left in Romney’s dressing room—GOP officials nevertheless maintain that Romney won the first debate.

“Where some might see the President exploiting an unfair advantage, we just see him using the best America’s free, unregulated, pharmaceutical industry has to offer in ingenuity and innovation,” said Romney campaign medical advisor Neil Newhouse.

“We’re not going to let pee checkers dictate how we run our campaign.”

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NIXON: ROMNEY ‘MOST UNAPPEALING CANDIDATE SINCE ME’

Historical Republican figure Richard Nixon has weighed in on the Presidential race, with some advice for incumbent President Mitt Romney.

Speaking with host Charles Krauthammer on Meet the Press, Nixon offered the embattled incumbent some hard-earned counsel as the Presidential debates unfold:

“Right now, self-satisfied journalists and egghead historians are wringing their soft, liberal hands about this or that, comparing Romney’s performance to mine in the 1960 debates. And let’s face it—I was a sweating, unappealing mess.”

“But I took those lessons, and in less than ten years, I was dismantling democracy from within the White House! Sure, we made some mistakes, but Romney could learn a thing or two from ol’ Dick Nixon.”

The former president, who resigned in disgrace just two years after a landslide re-election in 1972, told Krauthammer that victory is still within reach for Team Romney. But he underscored that this is possible only if Romney is prepared to truly embrace the darkest realms of human nature. Nixon outlined a few broad strokes based on his successful use of greed, envy, avarice, duplicity, and animal predation.

“First, and I mean this with all respect, Romney’s dirty tricks department could really use  some work. I mean, he had funding I could only dream of, but he he’s weak in character assassination. Using Trump was a good idea, but Romney seemed to back away, it was almost like he was afraid he’d end up looking ridiculous. There’s no room for that kind of decency at this level of politics.”

“But I like this Rove fellow—he’s a pistol, the kind I liked on my team. Single-minded, unethical, the whole package. I’ve seen some pretty low players, but he’s right down there.”

” Still, it all falls apart at the top. Romney doesn’t seem to have the blood instinct that it takes to use extra-legal means to get the job done. I mean, Ryan would probably kill his grandmother’s puppy if Romney told him, but Mittens just doesn’t have the cojones to lead.”

“It’s ironic, really. He built a career on ruining ordinary folks without ever seeing their faces, skirting the edges of morality and the law. But when it comes to really dismantling lives on a personal, one-on-one basis– He’s just like the rest of these rich kids, afraid to get his hands dirty.”

Nixon has been out of the public eye since his death in 1994. He seems to have chosen this particular moment in history to re-insert himself into the political arena, leading pundits to  speculate on a possible presidential run in 2020.

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