Category Archives: Religion

SATAN SUING ROMNEY OVER CHENEY BAPTISMS

A complex power struggle is unfolding at the highest levels of the Republican party, after accusations that President Romney posthumously baptized former Vice President Dick Cheney in the Mormon Church, even though Cheney is still alive.

A brief filed by Cheney’s agent-attorneys Nosferatu and Associates references the controversial Mormon practice of converting dead friends, relatives, and surprisingly touchy Jewish holocaust victims. The President admitted in a 2007 interview to taking part in these rites, but “not recently.”

Within the Mormon Church, administering posthumous baptism is a great virtue, part of attaining a godlike state of enlightenment and omnipotence. In the case of holocaust victims, this road to immortality involves ante-mortem missionary work with resting souls already subjected to inhuman torment and religious persecution.

Cheney’s case presents moral and legal issues that are arguably more involved, as Cheney remains nominally alive, and demonstrably an irredeemable person.

Nosferatu—who has represented Mr. Cheney for over 875 years—expressed particular outrage toward the President’s presumptive pitch for the former VP’s eternal spirit, as Cheney’s s contract clearly states that his soul is committed to Underworld Enterprises, LLC for the next 50 millennia.

“Mr. Romney has no valid claim on Mr. Cheney’s soul,” Nosferatu’s brief read. “With all his years in business and politics, we doubt he was ignorant of standard Personal Essence Non-Interference clauses. It was just business as usual for corporate raider Mitt Romney, working the gray areas of the spirit allocation market. But this isn’t Federal Income Taxes or some Cayman Island shell corporation. He’s playing with the big boys now. And he better keep his manicured hands off Ryan, too. That bitch is mine.”

Attorney General Kid Rock remains quiet on the matter, but he is known to be weighing the issue carefully. Nosferatu has an undefeated record in matters of soul-allocation, and many within the GOP are quietly suggesting that Mr. Romney apologize to Cheney and The Devil, though that seems unlikely given the President’s unbroken record of vainglorious obstinacy.

Ironically, Mr. Romney’s early career was jumpstarted by his involvement with Nosferatu’s firm, but the two parted company a few years ago, when Nosferatu bundled Romney’s contract to the late Isaac Hayes for his popularly syndicated “Payback Games.”

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , ,

ROMNEY: SHANAH TOVAH!

President Romney joined the Jewish community in observing Rosh Hashanah, the traditional beginning of the Jewish New Year. He created a small stir at Temple B’nai Israel in Borough Park when he shared a Latter Day Saints pamphlet with two of the congregants.

Immediately after the service, Romney surprised reporters with the announcement that he is pursuing the study of Kabbalah. He joins celebrities like Demi Moore and Madonna in embracing the ancient, yet trendy, form of Jewish mysticism. With the 2016 elections rapidly approaching, political insiders believe this is a move to attract the “Hollywood Mystical Flake” vote.

Tagged , , , ,

GOD 2 GOP: F U

As Republican Delegates retreat from a disastrously waterlogged convention in Tampa, God’s Department of Meteorology released a position paper confirming that Hurricane Isaac was caused by an extended area of low pressure, combined with a shitty-vindictive mood on God’s part.

This is the latest in a series of efforts by the Lord to distance himself from a party largely controlled by the Religious Right.

Once political bedfellows, the Religious Right’s alliance with the Creator has soured in recent years, following disputes over His views on AIDS, contraception, abortion, race, and homosexuality. Because of an ongoing suit concerning the use of His name in opposition to stem cell research, God’s office declined to comment on whether that issue entered into His decision.

Though God has avoided live interviews for the last two to five millennia, he made some off-the-cuff comments to reporters who caught up with him as he was leaving Spago last night:

“Let me tell you, I’m pretty pissed off about this whole thing. Not smiting pissed, but I’m still ticked. These douchebags actually think I killed 3000 people on 9-11 because of two boys kissing! So the hurricane is just the tip of the iceberg. Anybody who stayed at the Tampa Regal Marriott best be prepared for a plague of bedbugs!”

“And while we’re on the subject, I’d like to set the record straight on Haiti. It was cataracts, people—like when I backed the Buick into the garage door. I can assure you, I was aiming for Florida all along. Those people have a lot to answer for.”

Tagged , , , ,
%d bloggers like this: