Tag Archives: Ann Romney

ANN TO FIRST GARDEN: GETTING MEDIEVAL

Like First Ladys before her, Ann Romney has spent the last four years making an impression on the White House grounds. But in contrast to Michelle Obama’s Soviet-inspired organic vegetable kibbutz, Mrs. Romney is taking the manicured gardens elegantly upscale with the installation of a custom “circumferential water feature, “ or moat.

Moats are an increasingly popular garden addition for super-rich, middle-income Americans, according to Eldon Case of The American Moat Builders’ Association. Moat construction is up over 80 percent since the beginning of the Romney presidency, he says, noting the benefits of tranquility, resale value, and passive protection in a peasant uprising.

“Steel plate doors, alarm systems, panic rooms—they all have their place,” he concedes. “But nothing beats a beautiful, professionally constructed moat and some buckets of melted lead for peace of mind.”

Speaking with Mittopia in the Rose Garden on a fine Autumn morning, Mrs. Romney said she enjoys the sense of calm brought on by the rippling waters and lily pads, as well as the quiet kinship of the moat’s eight thousand voraciously aggressive Andean piranhas.

The First Lady went on to note that all plantings at The White House are genetically engineered, much like the Romneys themselves. She also enthused about plans for a tall garret on the North lawn, from which she can fling unwanted food scraps in the direction of nearby Lafayette Park.

Unfortunately, construction is temporarily stymied, as The White House is unable to source a gardening contractor who isn’t undocumented, union, or “uncomfortably ethnic.”

Advertisements
Tagged , , , ,

ROMNEY SEX TAPE ROCKS CAMPAIGN!

Mittopia has obtained unedited copies of a secretly recorded sex tape, depicting President and Mrs. Romney in candid, intimate situations. The tape shows the First Couple unguarded and speaking freely, in contrast with the reserved, asexual image they project in public. Reaction to the tape has been strong since excerpts were released on Thursday, and The Committee to Re-Elect Mitt (CREEM) is scrambling to contain growing public sentiment that the President is a mechanistic, self-involved lover, unable to connect with the intimate needs of average Americans.

Scenes from the high-definition video show Mrs. Romney in a Lady Gaga-inpired meat-kini, attempting to entice the President out of his sacred undergarments, while Mr. Romney speaks openly on a variety of subjects, particularly his belief that much of the nation relies on the government for sexual entitlements.

“47 percent of Americans are dependent on the government for sex,” he tells an increasingly frustrated First Lady. “They feel like victims if they don’t climax, and they expect the government to provide for them. These poor and sometimes elderly leeches believe it’s the government’s responsibility to safeguard their freedoms, their happiness: Oral, anal, manual release, you name it. They will never take personal responsibility for repressing their filthy, carnal, working-class urges.”

“My job is not to worry about that 47 per cent.”

In spite of horrified reactions from political pundits, the President has not backed down from his controversial assertions. Late Thursday evening, he read a brief statement at a hastily convened press conference, broadcast from a Wendy’s in Sioux Falls, SD:

“I may have been inelegant in my words. But the fact remains: We are facing a choice between two visions of America. We can choose a totalitarian nightmare in which people have healthy, loving relationships based on a socialistic model of mutual benefit and satisfaction. Or—like Ann and me—we can embrace a patriotic, individualistic future in which pleasure is a cruel, loveless contest for dominance, stressing self-reliance, discipline, and garments fashioned from cold cuts.”

“I think you know where Team Romney stands on that, and this out-of-context 55-minute video does nothing to change our dream of a repressed, impoverished, and bitterly divided America.”

Tagged , , , ,

PRIME TIME ROM-COM

The First Family bring their trademark warmth and humor to FOX’s fall lineup, in a new reality show called This Poor House. In thirteen episodes, the President and Mrs. Romney try to live on an average American middle-class income of up to $250,000.

Every day is full of challenges, laughs, and love as Mitt and Ann connect with regular, working folks. They learn what it’s like to book their own vacations, make tough choices in upscale dining venues, and take a journey of personal growth as they discover how a Bosch dishwasher works.

Tonight: Mitt experiences a cultural moment when the maid makes him a Cuban sandwich. Ann drives her own Cadillac…right into trouble!

Special guest: Snooki

Tagged , , , ,

CINEMA MITTOPIA

Mittopia proudly presents:
MITTOPIA: THE MOVIE

Tagged , , , ,

CONVENTION SNAPSHOT: RAND REACHES OUT

After days of anticipation, the surprise speaker at today’s RNC turned out to be philosopher Ayn Rand, who died in 1982.

GOP strategists tapped Rand to help broaden the appeal of the Romney Ryan ticket. They believe her philosophy of enlightened self interest–which rejects dark social forces like altruism–will resonate with female and minority voters.

Before a reverent crowd of delegates who never quite got through Atlas Shrugged, Rand spoke passionately on some of her favorite themes: Downsizing government, encouraging individual responsibility, and ridding society of the underclass of parasites and loafers who prevent alpha-job creators from attaining their birthright grandeur.

The surprise grew when Rand was joined onstage by First Lady Ann Romney. Together, they announced the AYN AND ANN TOUR, a series of whistle stop events at targeted ethnic and female-oriented enclaves, including Miami, New York, Los Angeles, and Provincetown.

Speaking on a vaguely personal note, Romney tried to reach out to the non-white-male voter bloc:

“We just want to tell you people that you are not forgotten. Your bright clothing and emotive body language enrich this country in ways that a Cayman Island investment corporation or wildly regressive tax code never can.”

According to Advertising Age, canny GOP media buys expanded the speech’s audience, with paid coverage on reluctant BET and Telemundo networks. This strategy was critical to the success of the day’s events, as there were no actual people of color in the convention hall.

Tagged , , , , ,

SUNDAY FEATURE: ROMNEY REFLECTS ON THREE YEARS IN THE WHITE HOUSE

On August 26 2012, then-candidate Mitt Romney and his wife Ann were profiled in Parade Magazine,  on subjects ranging from their Mormon faith to Mitt’s seemingly stunted emotional range. Speaking of their practice of tithing, the future First Lady shared with interviewer Lynn Sherr:

“When Mitt and I give that check, I actually cry.”

 “So do I,” Mitt quipped in trademark fashion, “but for a different reason.”

 Three years later, President Romney follows up with Parade in this essay, reflecting on the country’s progress in the Romney-Ryan Era:

Looking Back: A President Glances Over His Shoulder

As my first term comes to a close, I think of how the nation has changed and grown, and about the progress we’ve made by turning back the clock, to a time before “progressive” ideas like stem cell research, and regulated industries, and women’s suffrage took hold of our nation.

It’s sobering to recall what life was like during the Hell-storm of Democrat-enforced social freedoms that preceded me.

Back then, women were accessing birth control and getting raped and having abortions without a second thought. For many, it was like buying shoes, or going to the dentist. In fact, if women had been as enthusiastic about regular dental visits as they were about getting raped and having abortions, gingivitis would be a thing of the past.

Today, after 3 years with the Romney Ryan management team, I can proudly say that unwanted pregnancies are booming. We owe a big part of this growth to arbitrary limitations on access to birth control, as well as the fact that women are denied legal abortions under any circumstance. And although some children may be unplanned or painfully unwanted, these beautiful surprises can go on to become a president or a playwright or severely disabled with no hope of a meaningful existence free from pain.

I also recall the plight of our senior citizens under the previous big government administration. Our aging population was seeking medical care at an unprecedented rate, and eating freely, contributing to an epidemic of elder-obesity. Now, thanks to elimination of food assistance programs and rapid dismantling of the Medicare system, seniors are living shorter, less nourished lives, free from the control of government-imposed body-mass recommendations.

Finally, I look at the heart of America. When we shredded the social safety net strangling our nation, we released the hunger and desperation waiting in all of us, but hobbled by the threat of a progressive tax structure similar to the one that cursed us in our darkest economic hour–the 1950s. At last, we have come together in a spirit of powerful and avaricious resignation, a sense that each of us is in it for ourselves, because we can’t count on anyone for anything.

Thanks to the Romney-Ryan Plan for a New America, we are richer in our poverty, more secure in our paranoia, and more united in our intolerance.

Thank you, and may God and GlaxoSmithKline Pharma bless you.

Tagged , , , , , ,

Wednesday food section: Someone’s in the kitchen with Ann Romney!

Ronald Reagan was famous for his jellybeans. When dignitaries visit President Romney in The Oval Office, he’s sure to offer them a handful of his favorite Mormon Pioneer Trail Mix. The signature blend of nuts, dried fruit, and gold-encrusted foie gras has been such a hit, the White House is releasing a cookbook, Recipes From The Romney’s Table. All recipes use ingredients found in any cupboard or community food pantry, and are adapted for modern, five-job households. Here are a few Executive Branch staples:

Mitt’s Favorite “Job Creator’s Salad”

10-12 years income tax returns

6 large bundles mortgage-backed securities

Palm grease

Chiffonade tax returns and securities.

Retroactively file fresh returns; be careful not to release the distinctive aroma!

Drizzle with palm grease, allowing trickle-down.

Discard and go out to dinner. Undertip.

Serves 1%

Ann’s Stepford Waffles

6 c. White flour

 2 c. White sugar

12 Egg whites

2 c. Skim milk, soured

2 tsp. Mother Cheney’s brand baking soda

Pinch cinnamon*

Pinch nutmeg*

Xanax to taste

Instruct staff to assemble batter. Set aside 10% as tax-deductible tithe.

Serve frigid

*When Mitt makes these, he ignores the non-white ingredients

Tagged , ,

It’s Rehab For Rafalca

The Hazelden Center for Addiction Treatment today announced that First Horse Rafalca has been admitted for an unspecified condition. Hazelden did not supply any further details, citing a general cloak of secrecy surrounding the presidency.

Rafalca’s life-narrative is a success story much like Romney’s own. Raised in an atmosphere of wealth and privilege, she leveraged modest talent and ruthless ambition to gain a position beneath the future First Lady. Although she impressed Olympic crowds with the precision of her sidestepping, the well-groomed mare seemed wooden, and a bit out of her depth.

After President Romney’s hostile takover surprise ascendancy to the White House, Rafalca built on her fame with a turn on Dancing With the Stars, which ended abruptly when she broke both of Levi Johnston’s feet—a move that was popular with judges, but technically was against the rules. She quickly became a fixture on the New York club scene, gaining a reputation as a party horse. In recent weeks, Rafalca’s erratic behavior has fueled rumors of Oxycontin addiction, stoked by a notorious appearance on The View, during which the horse repeatedly referred to the president as “Mizzizzle.”

Speaking to reporters before his weekly Senate Prayer Breakfast by Monsanto™, President Romney declined to discuss specifics of Rafalca’s condition, but noted:

“Heh heh heh…We’re all praying for Rafalca. I know the entire nation will be proud and happy the day we strap her to the roof of the Presidential limo and drive her home.”

Tagged , , ,

Romney Plan For New America Starts With A Good Breakfast

In anticipation of a Romney-Ryan victory in November,  General Mills has begun test marketing an entirely new category of prepared food product called “Romney Bits,” using cautiously-unmuzzled presumptive First Lady Ann Romney as its spokeszombie.

Touted as “a delicious single-bowl meal, easily affordable by people who eat such things,” Romney Bits is a fortified, grain-and-offal-based “people kibble,” described as “a nominally-palatable solution for 99% of America’s subsistence nutritional needs.” General Mills’ press release further noted that Romney Bits are  “delicious served with milk, juice, or even water, for socialist types who prefer to drink at the well of free public utilities.”

Although initial clinics revealed a potentially bitter aftertaste, an infusion of not-yet deregulated Mystery Sweetener #43 has improved general response with an acceptable level of neurological side-effects.

Trialing in Mississippi, Alabama, and “some other godawful obese state that we’ll carry,” Romney Bits is poised to create a new market where other, more wholesome food products are unattainable or viewed with suspicion.   Romney Bits come in three delicious flavors: New Grape Depression, Let Them Eat Cake, and a diet variety,  Fatless Shrugged, which does not differ nutritionally, but is imprinted with numerous exhortations for the eater to stop being an indulgent parasite.

Tagged , , ,
%d bloggers like this: