Like First Ladys before her, Ann Romney has spent the last four years making an impression on the White House grounds. But in contrast to Michelle Obama’s Soviet-inspired organic vegetable kibbutz, Mrs. Romney is taking the manicured gardens elegantly upscale with the installation of a custom “circumferential water feature, “ or moat.
Moats are an increasingly popular garden addition for super-rich, middle-income Americans, according to Eldon Case of The American Moat Builders’ Association. Moat construction is up over 80 percent since the beginning of the Romney presidency, he says, noting the benefits of tranquility, resale value, and passive protection in a peasant uprising.
“Steel plate doors, alarm systems, panic rooms—they all have their place,” he concedes. “But nothing beats a beautiful, professionally constructed moat and some buckets of melted lead for peace of mind.”
Speaking with Mittopia in the Rose Garden on a fine Autumn morning, Mrs. Romney said she enjoys the sense of calm brought on by the rippling waters and lily pads, as well as the quiet kinship of the moat’s eight thousand voraciously aggressive Andean piranhas.
The First Lady went on to note that all plantings at The White House are genetically engineered, much like the Romneys themselves. She also enthused about plans for a tall garret on the North lawn, from which she can fling unwanted food scraps in the direction of nearby Lafayette Park.
Unfortunately, construction is temporarily stymied, as The White House is unable to source a gardening contractor who isn’t undocumented, union, or “uncomfortably ethnic.”