Tag Archives: Ayn Rand

OUT OF THE HEADLINES, RYAN STEPS UP EFFORT TO REMIND PUBLIC HE’S STILL ALIVE

Vice President Paul Ryan is continuing to assert his relevancy to the Executive Branch with a novel approach to campaigning, a cross country whistle-stop self-help seminar called “Paul Ryan’s 7 Habits of Moderately Effective Douchebags.”

Riding on the success of Paul Ryan’s P-90x Wii-Fit Workout, and Paul Ryan’s Privatizing for Dummies, the Veep’s 3-day Ayn Rand-inspired empowerment workshop includes training in Basic and Advanced Prevarication, Applied Disregard for Normal Human Needs, Creative Mathematics, and General Pandering. An entire afternoon is devoted to Boyishly Ingratiating Smirking.

Though Ryan has never worked in the private sector, his course has had great success with corporate clients, who report that the curriculum emphasizing grimly class-based financial calculus, and a general lack of humanity, is a tremendous boon for rising young executives.

Tranche Hobbes III is one such attendee. Since starting his career as a toxic mortgage-bundling executive for a major Wall Street firm, he quickly advanced to a seven-figure annual salary, but nettlesome inner hints of social awareness were holding him back from his true potential.

“When I took that ridiculous Tony Robbins course, I only learned how to walk over hot coals without incurring third degree burns. At the Paul Ryan Seminar, I learned how to walk over the white-hot corpses of my social inferiors without feeling a twinge of remorse! Paul Ryan made me feel good about crushing the dreams of little people, because he reminded me that I deserved to succeed, and they didn’t!”

Ryan’s seminar goes national this week, and is coordinated to avoid cities in which President Romney is appearing, as the campaign feels Ryan is “most effective when he’s playing his intellectual maverick role—far, far away from the President.”

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BOOK REVIEW: REPUBLICANS GET RAND-Y

Hoping to bridge a greater appeal to the difficult “female” voter bloc, Romney strategists have released a new volume of light erotica, Fifty Shades Of GOP.

Writing under a pseudonym, deceased author Ayn Rand sets double-X hearts aflutter with her new entry into the burgeoning “Tea-rotica” market.

The protagonist is tall and dashing, a Captain of Industry with just a touch of gray and “long, asset-stripping fingers,” as underscored by the author 187 times in the 456-page novel. He charms the young, lip-biting female lead with his smoldering offshore portfolio, and almost telepathic ability to say something mildly off-putting. Sexually, he is a Titan, with some kinky variations on the Missionary position.

Just as the two lovers come together despite their differences, GOP planners hope the book will arouse women so much that they overlook the party’s essential repugnance. Rand was tapped as author because of her flowing language, female-relatability, and her experience crafting Republican-influenced eros. Her 1943 novel The Fountainhead raised pulse rates with its steamy, forced-sex scenes, which Rand characterized as “rape by engraved invitation,” thus setting the template for the party’s platform on women’s issues.

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CONVENTION SNAPSHOT: RAND REACHES OUT

After days of anticipation, the surprise speaker at today’s RNC turned out to be philosopher Ayn Rand, who died in 1982.

GOP strategists tapped Rand to help broaden the appeal of the Romney Ryan ticket. They believe her philosophy of enlightened self interest–which rejects dark social forces like altruism–will resonate with female and minority voters.

Before a reverent crowd of delegates who never quite got through Atlas Shrugged, Rand spoke passionately on some of her favorite themes: Downsizing government, encouraging individual responsibility, and ridding society of the underclass of parasites and loafers who prevent alpha-job creators from attaining their birthright grandeur.

The surprise grew when Rand was joined onstage by First Lady Ann Romney. Together, they announced the AYN AND ANN TOUR, a series of whistle stop events at targeted ethnic and female-oriented enclaves, including Miami, New York, Los Angeles, and Provincetown.

Speaking on a vaguely personal note, Romney tried to reach out to the non-white-male voter bloc:

“We just want to tell you people that you are not forgotten. Your bright clothing and emotive body language enrich this country in ways that a Cayman Island investment corporation or wildly regressive tax code never can.”

According to Advertising Age, canny GOP media buys expanded the speech’s audience, with paid coverage on reluctant BET and Telemundo networks. This strategy was critical to the success of the day’s events, as there were no actual people of color in the convention hall.

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TAX CODE: ROMNEY-RYAN REHAB RELIEVES RICH

The White House today unveiled details of the 2013 Romney-Ryan Tax Relief Plan, which reflects the President’s experience as a corporate asset stripper successful CEO, as well as the Vice President’s fetishistic devotion to objectivist philosopher Ayn Rand.

In a televised address that relied heavily on Powerpoint ProTools and the uplifting music of composer Richard Wagner, the President outlined a three-tiered scheme to infuse cash into the sectors that need it most.

Under the new tax code, IRS-Diebold will issue refunds to corporate individuals in the form of stock options or uncollateralized securities. Corporations who E-file can choose to have their returns transmitted directly to their portfolio, Swiss bank account, or participating H&R Block locations. Mail filers should provide an address for an attorney or offshore shell corporation. Corporate filers who did not pay any taxes will still receive a refund.

Most non-corporate persons and families will not be receiving a refund. They should expect a bill within 30 days of filing. All invoices are net 15 days, with a 2% daily penalty for late payment.

Medicare recipients and lower income taxpayers seeking a refund must be prepared to present 10-12 years of annotated tax documents, along with a government-issued taxpayer ID card. Refunds will be transmitted as vouchers, redeemable at all Best Buy and Blockbuster locations.

Closing his remarks in an uncomfortably folksy tone, the president underscored the new tax code’s emphasis on fairness for traditionally marginalized ultra-high earners:

“A lot of us know that when we face tough times, the best way to make both ends meat is by stretching USDA-unregulated beef with breadcrumbs. If we put an end to big government interference, and ensure the well-being of our precious job creators, inevitably they will drop some of those crumbs, giving all card-carrying citizens a fair chance to prosper and grow.”

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SUNDAY SUCCESS STORY: PATRICIAN POTABLES PULL POSH PATRONS

With widespread despair fueling record alcohol consumption, business is already booming for New York bar owner Ramp Norwalk. But Norwalk has hit on a growth formula to fulfill his wildest champagne dreams.

“Frankly, I’m already stinking rich, selling craft beer and Fernet Branca to hipsters,” Norwalk told Mittopia, “but after joining Paul Ryan’s Book Club and reading some Ayn Rand, I realized it’s my moral responsibility to become rich enough to spit on these filthy beatniks, with their cupcakes, and their strollers, and their talk of ‘a sustainable economy.’”

Norwalk has renamed his bar Deregulate America, updating top to bottom with a theme celebrating “Enterprise Unshackled.” Banquettes are veneered with a laminate of elephant ivory and exotic hedge-fund derivatives, while booths are upholstered in infant snow leopard. But the centerpiece—the hook that keeps drawing in the Trumps and the Adelsons—is a signature cocktail called The Mitt-ropolitan. There’s something in it that keeps the GOP’s top-tier coming back for more.

“I really can’t talk about the secret ingredient, but my mixologist is a magician! He’s my accountant, too!” brags Norwalk.

Mittopia assembled a panel of prominent alcoholic Republican pundits, who put the Mitt-ropolitan through its paces. All agree the irresistible secret ingredient is an extract distilled from the tears of Democratic-leaning orphans.

Though bar-owner Norwalk remains mum on the drink’s mouthwatering mystery, Bain-Haliburton subsidiary Tearco—the sole supplier of orphans’ tears on the East coast—reports a spike in sales. Tearco’s Jason Maxwell confirms, “Increased demand is always a challenge, but the kids just love it. We call them our tiny entrepreneurs! It just shows that when the invisible hand of the free market works, everybody gets stroked!”

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