Vice President Paul Ryan is continuing to assert his relevancy to the Executive Branch with a novel approach to campaigning, a cross country whistle-stop self-help seminar called “Paul Ryan’s 7 Habits of Moderately Effective Douchebags.”
Riding on the success of Paul Ryan’s P-90x Wii-Fit Workout, and Paul Ryan’s Privatizing for Dummies, the Veep’s 3-day Ayn Rand-inspired empowerment workshop includes training in Basic and Advanced Prevarication, Applied Disregard for Normal Human Needs, Creative Mathematics, and General Pandering. An entire afternoon is devoted to Boyishly Ingratiating Smirking.
Though Ryan has never worked in the private sector, his course has had great success with corporate clients, who report that the curriculum emphasizing grimly class-based financial calculus, and a general lack of humanity, is a tremendous boon for rising young executives.
Tranche Hobbes III is one such attendee. Since starting his career as a toxic mortgage-bundling executive for a major Wall Street firm, he quickly advanced to a seven-figure annual salary, but nettlesome inner hints of social awareness were holding him back from his true potential.
“When I took that ridiculous Tony Robbins course, I only learned how to walk over hot coals without incurring third degree burns. At the Paul Ryan Seminar, I learned how to walk over the white-hot corpses of my social inferiors without feeling a twinge of remorse! Paul Ryan made me feel good about crushing the dreams of little people, because he reminded me that I deserved to succeed, and they didn’t!”
Ryan’s seminar goes national this week, and is coordinated to avoid cities in which President Romney is appearing, as the campaign feels Ryan is “most effective when he’s playing his intellectual maverick role—far, far away from the President.”