In a 46,000-word op-ed presented in three installments in the Wall Street Journal, famed Victorian author Charles Dickens expressed wonderment and revulsion at the current state of the Union. Dickens has long been a favorite of administration economists, and President Romney is said to be particularly disappointed. The President is known as a fan of Dickens’ light comic portrayal of an economic and social landscape in which industry operates unfettered by unions, safety regulations, child labor laws, or contemporary standards of humanity.
One of the most read authors in the English language, Dickens rendered compulsively detailed accounts of an age famously, and inconveniently, divided by class. His novel A Tale of Two Cities chronicles the brutality that led up to—and followed—the French Revolution. The book was at the center of a minor controversy following President Romney’s first European trip, during which he referenced the novel numerous times, causing critics to wonder if he had “gotten it.”
Though Dickens’ work has been relegated mostly to Advanced Placement English classes in recent years, in the wake of the author’s controversial diatribe, it has been shifted to “Permanently Out Of Stock” status at all retailers. Dickens is now considered a Person of Interest by the Department Of Homeland Security and Education, and his name has been placed on the Most Wanted Authors watch list.
Dickens has gone into hiding, but through his agent, he released a notably brief statement:
“This is the worst of times. Trust me on this one folks. For once, I’m not candy-coating with a bunch of excess verbiage–I’ve seen heads roll over a lot less than this. If you guys aren’t gathering up your pitchforks and flaming tar by now, I don’t know what the Hell you’re waiting for!”