Tag Archives: Clint Eastwood

RYAN: I MISRECALLED MOON LANDING, BUDGET DETAILS

Vice President Paul Ryan today conceded that his memory was faulty when he boasted to a radio interviewer that he was the first man to set foot on the surface of the moon. Ryan’s office noted that as a child, the Vice President frequently enjoyed gazing at the moon, and he got a little mixed up in his recollection of events.

This is the second time this week that Ryan admitted to some small cognitive difficulties. On Monday, he confessed that a slip carrying a decimal point in the Ryan Budget is at the heart of the greatest inequality in wealth in the nation’s history.

“With millions subsisting on cat food or worse, it’s a little embarrassing to confess that I really never was that good at math,” Ryan told reporters in a boyish-yet-still-commanding tone.

“After all, my only business experience before coming to Washington was working the grill at McDonalds. It’s kind of ironic to think that same job is probably now held by a senior citizen being paid half as much, due to the repeal of all minimum wage laws,” Ryan said with a chuckle.

Ryan declined to respond to any specific questions about his cognitive or moral fitness to continue his duties. His office did express hope that the pointless media flap surrounding his claim as a pioneering space traveler would distract the nation from some of his more egregious fabrications.

White House fact-checkers confirmed that the first man on the moon was actually Texas Governor Lance Armstrong, who helped establish the Browning-Ferris Industries Lunar Landfill in 1986, along with fellow astronauts Clint Eastwood and Tommy Lee Jones, as recounted in the movie Space Cowboys.

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EASTWOOD: EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LUCID

Actor Clint Eastwood reprised his 2012 role as Romney endorser, addressing the delegates from a stage graced by an empty chair, as well as a full living room suite, a kitschy mounted trout, and a chest of drawers the set designer just thought looked right.

Eastwood began with some light improv, acting out suggestions from the audience, then led into the substance of his endorsement:

Friends, looking out at your proud, pale faces, I can’t help but think how far America has come in the last four years.

Do you remember what it was like during so-called President Obama’s unholy reign?

Compulsory hip-hop music blared on every street corner.

Sweeping civil liberties were enforced on all citizens.

We suffered the tyranny of fact-driven media, without federally mandated editing.

 If there was a Hell on Earth, we were burning in its infernal fury.

Today, ordinary Americans are no longer crushed by the burden of socialistic programs like public schools and police and fire departments. Freed from this welfare state, they decide for themselves which Bain subsidiary they purchase these services from. Or they can simply choose to arm themselves heavily.

And under the revised Romney Flat Tithe, all citizens pay an equal amount to the Mormon church, regardless of their income level or registered religious status.

Finally, corporate people are no longer second-class citizens, they enjoy voting rights and their own congressional districts, just like everybody else. In fact, thanks to President Romney’s corporate affirmative action plan, corporations have extra votes, to help pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. This is what freedom is about.”

Eastwood’s appearance lasted almost 3 hours, suggesting that he was still trying out some ideas live before drafting a final script. He closed by “breaking through the fourth wall,” leading delegates in a rousing call and response of Eddie Rabbit’s theme song for Eastwood’s 1978 trucker comedy Every Which Way But Loose, followed by a 45-minute game of Duck-Duck-Goose.

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