Tag Archives: Debates

NIXON: ROMNEY ‘MOST UNAPPEALING CANDIDATE SINCE ME’

Historical Republican figure Richard Nixon has weighed in on the Presidential race, with some advice for incumbent President Mitt Romney.

Speaking with host Charles Krauthammer on Meet the Press, Nixon offered the embattled incumbent some hard-earned counsel as the Presidential debates unfold:

“Right now, self-satisfied journalists and egghead historians are wringing their soft, liberal hands about this or that, comparing Romney’s performance to mine in the 1960 debates. And let’s face it—I was a sweating, unappealing mess.”

“But I took those lessons, and in less than ten years, I was dismantling democracy from within the White House! Sure, we made some mistakes, but Romney could learn a thing or two from ol’ Dick Nixon.”

The former president, who resigned in disgrace just two years after a landslide re-election in 1972, told Krauthammer that victory is still within reach for Team Romney. But he underscored that this is possible only if Romney is prepared to truly embrace the darkest realms of human nature. Nixon outlined a few broad strokes based on his successful use of greed, envy, avarice, duplicity, and animal predation.

“First, and I mean this with all respect, Romney’s dirty tricks department could really use  some work. I mean, he had funding I could only dream of, but he he’s weak in character assassination. Using Trump was a good idea, but Romney seemed to back away, it was almost like he was afraid he’d end up looking ridiculous. There’s no room for that kind of decency at this level of politics.”

“But I like this Rove fellow—he’s a pistol, the kind I liked on my team. Single-minded, unethical, the whole package. I’ve seen some pretty low players, but he’s right down there.”

” Still, it all falls apart at the top. Romney doesn’t seem to have the blood instinct that it takes to use extra-legal means to get the job done. I mean, Ryan would probably kill his grandmother’s puppy if Romney told him, but Mittens just doesn’t have the cojones to lead.”

“It’s ironic, really. He built a career on ruining ordinary folks without ever seeing their faces, skirting the edges of morality and the law. But when it comes to really dismantling lives on a personal, one-on-one basis– He’s just like the rest of these rich kids, afraid to get his hands dirty.”

Nixon has been out of the public eye since his death in 1994. He seems to have chosen this particular moment in history to re-insert himself into the political arena, leading pundits to  speculate on a possible presidential run in 2020.

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GOP CARVES NEW PATH TO VICTORY AS CHRISTIE, HUCKABEE CONSUME OHIO

With President Romney’s chances fading in the aftermath of gaffes, furniture upstagings, and a frustratingly inept voter suppression effort, campaign advisors feel the safest route to securing the crucial swing state of Ohio is simply to devour it.

Moderates within the party suggested just having Christie bellow Ohio into submission, but top officials decided the more prudent political course was to harness the proven gorging potential of the GOP’s two most powerful eaters.

Attempting to woo voters with heroic feats of gluttony may seem a risky move with President Romney preparing for this week’s debates, but many insiders believe it will be a welcome distraction from the President’s almost inevitable stream of half-truths, sour humor, and divisive rhetoric.

Polls show the President continues to have difficulty connecting with many working Americans, so Republican operatives hope that incorporating obesity and binge-eating into the campaign language will put him more in touch with his core constituency.

Ironically, Huckabee earlier had succumbed to “healthy eating” propaganda, even authoring a popular weight-loss book, but came to realize that his political fortunes were closely tied with his ability to devour his opponents. Since returning to his former robust profile, he reports “I feel like crap, and I can barely make it up a flight of stairs. But if living on Twinkies and Mars Bars is the price for a healthy America, it’s a sacrifice I’m making.”

As of Saturday evening, Christie and Huckabee successfully had consumed Cuyahoga, Hamilton, and Franklin counties. Less Democratic-intensive rural areas will follow after a palate-cleansing cucumber granita.

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