The National Naval Medical Center confirms that President Romney is recovering nicely after minor surgery to remove a few small remnants of a sense of shame. The President is known to have damaged his sense of shame in a corporate takeover exercise early in his private-sector career; since then, he has occasionally been bothered by twinges of conscience–a medical term referring to an episodic sense of psychic discomfort brought on by compromised actions or decisions.
As President, Romney typically spends an average of 3-5 hours a day in active antagonism, and the physical toll was increasingly aggravating his shame centers. Historically, he has worked through these distracting flare-ups, and has always prided himself on a high shame threshold. But medical and political advisors counseled him that the elective procedure might make it more comfortable for him to maintain his rigorous schedule of offending international sensibilities, insulting domestic factions, and alienating everyday, working Americans.
In a brief press conference, doctors said that Romney will remain in the hospital for a few days, so they can monitor his system to be certain it is adjusting to the total lack of self-censure. After a few weeks’ recuperation, the President should be able to function much as he always has, but free from the potential distraction of critical inner dialogue.
Doctors noted that a sense of shame is believed to have once served a purpose in Chief Executives, but now is considered extraneous, like the appendix, or minimum wage laws. Recent polls suggest that among the most affluent Americans, elective shame removal is increasingly popular, eclipsing circumcision and rhinoplasty as the most requested surgery for newborns.