Tag Archives: GOP

BREAKING: ROMNEY FAILS POST-DEBATE URINE TEST

President Romney is at the center of a major doping scandal, after results from the first presidential debate show him testing positive for a variety of performance enhancing drugs.

Audience members noted that Romney seemed unusually animated, occasionally lapsing into vigorous hand chops and body movement. Some observers saw this as an early warning sign for the President, as Mormon doctrine discourages motion below the neck, a safeguard against accidental carnality.

And as the debate unfolded and Romney became increasingly emotive, more viewers began to sense that Romney might not be running a clean performance.

Host Jim Lehrer’s worst suspicions were confirmed when Romney’s routine post-debate tests showed illegal levels of EPO, testosterone, ephedrine, and RockStar Energy Drink.

“I guess a lot of people thought he looked Presidential,” said Lehrer. “I thought he seemed a bit crazed, like he had too much cough syrup, or he was still riding the high from harvesting the profits of a failing company.”

The use of PEDs in politics has been a source of controversy since revelations that Vice President Dick Cheney received weekly transfusions of human blood. The former VP has long maintained that the transfusions did not affect his performance while in office, he simply enjoyed the taste.

Political observers theorize that Romney has been using the potent blood-enhancers to help reinforce his own appearance of humanity. In spite of initial test results—and emergent rumors of empty syringes carelessly left in Romney’s dressing room—GOP officials nevertheless maintain that Romney won the first debate.

“Where some might see the President exploiting an unfair advantage, we just see him using the best America’s free, unregulated, pharmaceutical industry has to offer in ingenuity and innovation,” said Romney campaign medical advisor Neil Newhouse.

“We’re not going to let pee checkers dictate how we run our campaign.”

Tagged , , , , ,

NIXON: ROMNEY ‘MOST UNAPPEALING CANDIDATE SINCE ME’

Historical Republican figure Richard Nixon has weighed in on the Presidential race, with some advice for incumbent President Mitt Romney.

Speaking with host Charles Krauthammer on Meet the Press, Nixon offered the embattled incumbent some hard-earned counsel as the Presidential debates unfold:

“Right now, self-satisfied journalists and egghead historians are wringing their soft, liberal hands about this or that, comparing Romney’s performance to mine in the 1960 debates. And let’s face it—I was a sweating, unappealing mess.”

“But I took those lessons, and in less than ten years, I was dismantling democracy from within the White House! Sure, we made some mistakes, but Romney could learn a thing or two from ol’ Dick Nixon.”

The former president, who resigned in disgrace just two years after a landslide re-election in 1972, told Krauthammer that victory is still within reach for Team Romney. But he underscored that this is possible only if Romney is prepared to truly embrace the darkest realms of human nature. Nixon outlined a few broad strokes based on his successful use of greed, envy, avarice, duplicity, and animal predation.

“First, and I mean this with all respect, Romney’s dirty tricks department could really use  some work. I mean, he had funding I could only dream of, but he he’s weak in character assassination. Using Trump was a good idea, but Romney seemed to back away, it was almost like he was afraid he’d end up looking ridiculous. There’s no room for that kind of decency at this level of politics.”

“But I like this Rove fellow—he’s a pistol, the kind I liked on my team. Single-minded, unethical, the whole package. I’ve seen some pretty low players, but he’s right down there.”

” Still, it all falls apart at the top. Romney doesn’t seem to have the blood instinct that it takes to use extra-legal means to get the job done. I mean, Ryan would probably kill his grandmother’s puppy if Romney told him, but Mittens just doesn’t have the cojones to lead.”

“It’s ironic, really. He built a career on ruining ordinary folks without ever seeing their faces, skirting the edges of morality and the law. But when it comes to really dismantling lives on a personal, one-on-one basis– He’s just like the rest of these rich kids, afraid to get his hands dirty.”

Nixon has been out of the public eye since his death in 1994. He seems to have chosen this particular moment in history to re-insert himself into the political arena, leading pundits to  speculate on a possible presidential run in 2020.

Tagged , , , , , ,

1-800-TEACHER TAKES “ROMNEY-CATION” MOBILE

When President Romney enacted his sweeping reform of the nation’s schools, many in the beleaguered Chicago system were nervous. “Romney-cation” aimed to streamline the collectivist-inspired “public” schools into a market-driven educational dynamo, adopting sound new business models proven in the President’s private sector career.

Entrenched teachers, of course, were all let go, after their pension funds were loaded-up with debt, and their unions stripped for assets. This house-cleaning set the stage for a new breed of educator, motivated not by the promise of free entitlements, but by the avoidance of dire poverty.

Vijay Ranjarajan—or “Chuck”—is one of those pioneering new teachers. Each day at 6:30 PM Bangalore time, he convenes his busy schedule of classes, juggling a long queue of technical questions on subjects as diverse as Basic English Composition, Cellular Mitosis, and how to get the modem working again, even though you’ve rebooted it and changed both cables.

Freed from the burden of unions or fair labor laws, Ranjarajan has risen to Level-1 English, Biology, and Home-Ec Customer Service Representative. Fully 20 percent of “Chuck’s” students remain on the line to answer the customer survey at the end of the call, making him one of best-loved teachers at James Madison Middle School and Technical Assistance Center.

In spite of the positive reception by students and parents freed from the tedium of actually working together on learning, the scheme still has its detractors. Answering charges that the new approach places corporate profits ahead of preparing students for a shifting economic landscape, Romney spokesperson Neil Newhouse  noted that “We’re not going to let fact checkers dictate our school systems.”

At the end of a 39-hour shift on the Indian Subcontinent, “Chuck” is philosophical. “In spite of the inhuman hours and low pay, I actually love my work,” Ranjarajan told Mittopia. “I must admit, it’s shocking to hear how little most American students know of literature, world history, even basic science and biology. But what did they expect when critical thinking came off the curriculum in Texas? Oh well, I guess it’s good for us—at this rate, we’ll own Missouri before most of them figure out The Onion isn’t a real newspaper.”

Tagged , , , ,

SEAMUS SPEAKS: MITT ROMNEY WATERBOARDED ME

President Romney’s newly enacted pro-torture program has an unlikely foe in the First Family’s late dog Seamus. Speaking in an exclusive interview with Mittopia, Seamus accused the President of using “enhanced obedience training techniques,” including waterboarding, extended sleep deprivation, and continuous, high-decibel replay of The Osmonds’ 1971 hit “One Bad Apple (Don’t Spoil The Whole Bunch Girl.”)

President Romney is defending Seamus’ stringent training regimen, pointing out that “He was a water dog, an Irish Setter–or at least he had an Irish name. Seamus was outdoorsy, he loved the water, and fresh air. We only used these very specialized training techniques to break him of some inappropriate elimination habits. Believe me, after a couple of gentle lungsful of pure, mountain spring water, he wasn’t ‘making’ on the station wagon roof anymore.”

The President is an avid fan of waterboarding and other “enhanced interrogation” techniques, stubbornly ignoring assertions of ineffectiveness by FBI sources, as well as condemnation from pretty much every civilized nation in the world. His repeal of an Executive Order establishing guidelines for interrogations contradicts a 2006 Supreme Court decision, as well as the Geneva Convention. The President is dismissing both of these institutions as “ spineless terror collaborators.”

Mr. Romney frequently has assailed ex-President Obama as “soft on terrorism,” in spite of the Obama administration’s record of killing Osama bin Laden, and eliminating numerous high-level al Qaeda operatives.

Mr. Romney contends that “meeting terrorism head-on means more than just removing immediate threats to national security, it means instilling a greater level of fear and paranoia in the citizenry, expanding the military budget beyond The Pentagon’s own requests, and reinforcing deep rifts of suspicion toward non-white, non- Christian Americans.”

Seamus’ arc to posthumous fame began after newspaper reports that the future President once strapped him to the roof of the family station wagon on an extended vacation drive. Since running away from the family in Canada, Seamus has lived as an expatriate, an outspoken advocate of human and animal rights, and a frequent speaker on behalf of Amnesty International.

Tagged , , , , , ,

OUT OF THE HEADLINES, RYAN STEPS UP EFFORT TO REMIND PUBLIC HE’S STILL ALIVE

Vice President Paul Ryan is continuing to assert his relevancy to the Executive Branch with a novel approach to campaigning, a cross country whistle-stop self-help seminar called “Paul Ryan’s 7 Habits of Moderately Effective Douchebags.”

Riding on the success of Paul Ryan’s P-90x Wii-Fit Workout, and Paul Ryan’s Privatizing for Dummies, the Veep’s 3-day Ayn Rand-inspired empowerment workshop includes training in Basic and Advanced Prevarication, Applied Disregard for Normal Human Needs, Creative Mathematics, and General Pandering. An entire afternoon is devoted to Boyishly Ingratiating Smirking.

Though Ryan has never worked in the private sector, his course has had great success with corporate clients, who report that the curriculum emphasizing grimly class-based financial calculus, and a general lack of humanity, is a tremendous boon for rising young executives.

Tranche Hobbes III is one such attendee. Since starting his career as a toxic mortgage-bundling executive for a major Wall Street firm, he quickly advanced to a seven-figure annual salary, but nettlesome inner hints of social awareness were holding him back from his true potential.

“When I took that ridiculous Tony Robbins course, I only learned how to walk over hot coals without incurring third degree burns. At the Paul Ryan Seminar, I learned how to walk over the white-hot corpses of my social inferiors without feeling a twinge of remorse! Paul Ryan made me feel good about crushing the dreams of little people, because he reminded me that I deserved to succeed, and they didn’t!”

Ryan’s seminar goes national this week, and is coordinated to avoid cities in which President Romney is appearing, as the campaign feels Ryan is “most effective when he’s playing his intellectual maverick role—far, far away from the President.”

Tagged , , , , ,

SATAN SUING ROMNEY OVER CHENEY BAPTISMS

A complex power struggle is unfolding at the highest levels of the Republican party, after accusations that President Romney posthumously baptized former Vice President Dick Cheney in the Mormon Church, even though Cheney is still alive.

A brief filed by Cheney’s agent-attorneys Nosferatu and Associates references the controversial Mormon practice of converting dead friends, relatives, and surprisingly touchy Jewish holocaust victims. The President admitted in a 2007 interview to taking part in these rites, but “not recently.”

Within the Mormon Church, administering posthumous baptism is a great virtue, part of attaining a godlike state of enlightenment and omnipotence. In the case of holocaust victims, this road to immortality involves ante-mortem missionary work with resting souls already subjected to inhuman torment and religious persecution.

Cheney’s case presents moral and legal issues that are arguably more involved, as Cheney remains nominally alive, and demonstrably an irredeemable person.

Nosferatu—who has represented Mr. Cheney for over 875 years—expressed particular outrage toward the President’s presumptive pitch for the former VP’s eternal spirit, as Cheney’s s contract clearly states that his soul is committed to Underworld Enterprises, LLC for the next 50 millennia.

“Mr. Romney has no valid claim on Mr. Cheney’s soul,” Nosferatu’s brief read. “With all his years in business and politics, we doubt he was ignorant of standard Personal Essence Non-Interference clauses. It was just business as usual for corporate raider Mitt Romney, working the gray areas of the spirit allocation market. But this isn’t Federal Income Taxes or some Cayman Island shell corporation. He’s playing with the big boys now. And he better keep his manicured hands off Ryan, too. That bitch is mine.”

Attorney General Kid Rock remains quiet on the matter, but he is known to be weighing the issue carefully. Nosferatu has an undefeated record in matters of soul-allocation, and many within the GOP are quietly suggesting that Mr. Romney apologize to Cheney and The Devil, though that seems unlikely given the President’s unbroken record of vainglorious obstinacy.

Ironically, Mr. Romney’s early career was jumpstarted by his involvement with Nosferatu’s firm, but the two parted company a few years ago, when Nosferatu bundled Romney’s contract to the late Isaac Hayes for his popularly syndicated “Payback Games.”

Tagged , , , , ,

ROMNEY SEX TAPE ROCKS CAMPAIGN!

Mittopia has obtained unedited copies of a secretly recorded sex tape, depicting President and Mrs. Romney in candid, intimate situations. The tape shows the First Couple unguarded and speaking freely, in contrast with the reserved, asexual image they project in public. Reaction to the tape has been strong since excerpts were released on Thursday, and The Committee to Re-Elect Mitt (CREEM) is scrambling to contain growing public sentiment that the President is a mechanistic, self-involved lover, unable to connect with the intimate needs of average Americans.

Scenes from the high-definition video show Mrs. Romney in a Lady Gaga-inpired meat-kini, attempting to entice the President out of his sacred undergarments, while Mr. Romney speaks openly on a variety of subjects, particularly his belief that much of the nation relies on the government for sexual entitlements.

“47 percent of Americans are dependent on the government for sex,” he tells an increasingly frustrated First Lady. “They feel like victims if they don’t climax, and they expect the government to provide for them. These poor and sometimes elderly leeches believe it’s the government’s responsibility to safeguard their freedoms, their happiness: Oral, anal, manual release, you name it. They will never take personal responsibility for repressing their filthy, carnal, working-class urges.”

“My job is not to worry about that 47 per cent.”

In spite of horrified reactions from political pundits, the President has not backed down from his controversial assertions. Late Thursday evening, he read a brief statement at a hastily convened press conference, broadcast from a Wendy’s in Sioux Falls, SD:

“I may have been inelegant in my words. But the fact remains: We are facing a choice between two visions of America. We can choose a totalitarian nightmare in which people have healthy, loving relationships based on a socialistic model of mutual benefit and satisfaction. Or—like Ann and me—we can embrace a patriotic, individualistic future in which pleasure is a cruel, loveless contest for dominance, stressing self-reliance, discipline, and garments fashioned from cold cuts.”

“I think you know where Team Romney stands on that, and this out-of-context 55-minute video does nothing to change our dream of a repressed, impoverished, and bitterly divided America.”

Tagged , , , ,

ROMNEY: NO MORE MR. NICE GUY

The National Naval Medical Center confirms that President Romney is recovering nicely after minor surgery to remove a few small remnants of a sense of shame. The President is known to have damaged his sense of shame in a corporate takeover exercise early in his private-sector career; since then, he has occasionally been bothered by twinges of conscience–a medical term referring to an episodic sense of psychic discomfort brought on by compromised actions or decisions.

As President, Romney typically spends an average of 3-5 hours a day in active antagonism, and the physical toll was increasingly aggravating his shame centers.  Historically, he has worked through these distracting flare-ups, and has always prided himself on a high shame threshold. But medical and political advisors counseled him that the elective procedure might make it more comfortable for him to maintain his rigorous schedule of offending international sensibilities, insulting domestic factions, and alienating everyday, working Americans.

In a brief press conference, doctors said that Romney will remain in the hospital for a few days, so they can monitor his system to be certain it is adjusting to the total lack of self-censure. After a few weeks’ recuperation, the President should be able to function much as he always has, but free from the potential distraction of critical inner dialogue.

Doctors noted that a sense of shame is believed to have once served a purpose in Chief Executives, but now is considered extraneous, like the appendix, or minimum wage laws. Recent polls suggest that among the most affluent Americans, elective shame removal is increasingly popular, eclipsing circumcision and rhinoplasty as the most requested surgery for newborns.

Tagged , , , ,

ROMNEY: SHANAH TOVAH!

President Romney joined the Jewish community in observing Rosh Hashanah, the traditional beginning of the Jewish New Year. He created a small stir at Temple B’nai Israel in Borough Park when he shared a Latter Day Saints pamphlet with two of the congregants.

Immediately after the service, Romney surprised reporters with the announcement that he is pursuing the study of Kabbalah. He joins celebrities like Demi Moore and Madonna in embracing the ancient, yet trendy, form of Jewish mysticism. With the 2016 elections rapidly approaching, political insiders believe this is a move to attract the “Hollywood Mystical Flake” vote.

Tagged , , , ,

PRIME TIME ROM-COM

The First Family bring their trademark warmth and humor to FOX’s fall lineup, in a new reality show called This Poor House. In thirteen episodes, the President and Mrs. Romney try to live on an average American middle-class income of up to $250,000.

Every day is full of challenges, laughs, and love as Mitt and Ann connect with regular, working folks. They learn what it’s like to book their own vacations, make tough choices in upscale dining venues, and take a journey of personal growth as they discover how a Bosch dishwasher works.

Tonight: Mitt experiences a cultural moment when the maid makes him a Cuban sandwich. Ann drives her own Cadillac…right into trouble!

Special guest: Snooki

Tagged , , , ,

CINEMA MITTOPIA

Mittopia proudly presents:
MITTOPIA: THE MOVIE

Tagged , , , ,

DICKENS: HOLY CRAP! THIS IS WORSE THAN I EVER IMAGINED!

In a 46,000-word op-ed presented in three installments in the Wall Street Journal, famed Victorian author Charles Dickens expressed wonderment and revulsion at the current state of the Union. Dickens has long been a favorite of administration economists, and President Romney is said to be particularly disappointed. The President is known as a fan of Dickens’ light comic portrayal of an economic and social landscape in which industry operates unfettered by unions, safety regulations, child labor laws, or contemporary standards of humanity.

One of the most read authors in the English language, Dickens rendered compulsively detailed accounts of an age famously, and inconveniently, divided by class. His novel A Tale of Two Cities chronicles the brutality that led up to—and followed—the French Revolution. The book was at the center of a minor controversy following President Romney’s first European trip, during which he referenced the novel numerous times, causing critics to wonder if he had “gotten it.”

Though Dickens’ work has been relegated mostly to Advanced Placement English classes in recent years, in the wake of the author’s controversial diatribe, it has been shifted to “Permanently Out Of Stock” status at all retailers. Dickens is now considered a Person of Interest by the Department Of Homeland Security and Education, and his name has been placed on the Most Wanted Authors watch list.

Dickens has gone into hiding, but through his agent, he released a notably brief statement:

“This is the worst of times. Trust me on this one folks. For once, I’m not candy-coating with a bunch of excess verbiage–I’ve seen heads roll over a lot less than this.  If you guys aren’t gathering up your pitchforks and flaming tar by now, I don’t know what the Hell you’re waiting for!”

Tagged , , ,

GOEBBELS TO RYAN: KEEP TRYIN’

Nazi propagandist Josef Goebbels made a surprise weigh-in on the 2016 presidential race this weekend.

Speaking with host Charles Krauthammer on Meet The Press, the onetime Reichsminister expressed support for embattled Veep Paul Ryan, while reserving some harsh words for those invoking Goebbels’ reputation as a master fabulist.

“For the last three or four years, whenever my name enters the public conversation, it’s linked with Vice President Ryan’s, so I’d really like to set the record straight,” Goebbels told Krauthammer.

“I’m behind the Romney-Ryan ticket 100-percent. And I’m a huge fan of Paul Ryan—big, big fan. I’ve been watching him for some time, and he’s always impressed me. His lying game is strong on the fundamentals, he’s got tremendous stamina, and he can lie convincingly at the drop of a hat.”

“He’s good. Really good. He’s just not Goebbels good.”

Though out of the public eye since his 1945 suicide, Goebbels lately enjoys renewed popularity as a conservative pundit. His early-AM talk show “Das Morgen Josef” is syndicated in over 350 markets.

Tagged , , ,

BOOK REVIEW: REPUBLICANS GET RAND-Y

Hoping to bridge a greater appeal to the difficult “female” voter bloc, Romney strategists have released a new volume of light erotica, Fifty Shades Of GOP.

Writing under a pseudonym, deceased author Ayn Rand sets double-X hearts aflutter with her new entry into the burgeoning “Tea-rotica” market.

The protagonist is tall and dashing, a Captain of Industry with just a touch of gray and “long, asset-stripping fingers,” as underscored by the author 187 times in the 456-page novel. He charms the young, lip-biting female lead with his smoldering offshore portfolio, and almost telepathic ability to say something mildly off-putting. Sexually, he is a Titan, with some kinky variations on the Missionary position.

Just as the two lovers come together despite their differences, GOP planners hope the book will arouse women so much that they overlook the party’s essential repugnance. Rand was tapped as author because of her flowing language, female-relatability, and her experience crafting Republican-influenced eros. Her 1943 novel The Fountainhead raised pulse rates with its steamy, forced-sex scenes, which Rand characterized as “rape by engraved invitation,” thus setting the template for the party’s platform on women’s issues.

Tagged , , , , , , ,
%d bloggers like this: