Tag Archives: Health Care


With the free market providing health insurance products for all, Mittopian did some comparison-shopping, to give consumers an idea of the many options provided by the competitive environment of President Romney’s newly deregulated “Freedom-surance.”

Rather than expend time and resources in costly, outmoded research, Mittopian simply made half-assed use of his own statistics, and called it “A Personal Case Study”

Mittopian is a 53 year-old male, in generally good physical condition. He gets regular aerobic exercise, eats a healthy diet, and maintains a healthy weight. Like most Boomers, he is vainly certain of the superiority of his health-maintenance regimen.

Unfortunately, like many of his generation (who were exposed to untold environmental toxins in the 1950s and 60s,) Mittopian made poor lifestyle decisions: Mittopian recklessly took on responsibility for a rare and potentially costly disorder. Typical of East-Coast liberal media types, he thought this would make him “special,” and did not perform adequate genetic research before his reckless disease-spree.

(RomneyCare II emphasizes the importance of treating profitable “meat and potatoes” diseases like male-pattern baldness and erectile dysfunction, discouraging imaginary medical issues like “chronic fatigue syndrome,” “birth control,” and “diabetes type II.”)

Mittopian compounded his fiscal mis-steps by being a journalist, a low-level career that rarely supports basic health maintenance beyond hangnail removal and de-lousing.

In spite of any viable business model for insuring this losing investment, President Romney’s unregulated health insurance field promises products tailored for all needs by the steady, open hand of the free market, and Mittopian can report a variety of options:

Companies A and B assumed they were being pranked, and hung up on Mittopian immediately, amid gales of hysterical laughter. It didn’t do much for the research, but making people laugh is supposed to be a gift, so Mittopian is putting both companies in the “Win” column.

Company C delivered a stern lecture, reminding Mittopian that chronic illnesses are appropriate for people who can afford them, but “not everybody is cut out for MS or chronic kidney insufficiency.” They suggested that Mittopian might look into some less expensive maladies, noting that alcoholism is popular among writers. To their credit, they followed up by emailing some pamphlets, as well as coupons for Gordon’s Gin.  A+ for customer service.

Company D, however, was able to provide the perfect plan, one that promises free cough lozenges, as well as “occasional wellness texts,” and “basic resuscitation for most Code-Blue events.” With rates that seemed more attractive than most hemorrhagic fevers, (not covered,) this was the obvious choice.

In summary, Mittopian came away impressed by RomneyCare II’s thoughtful solutions, which reward both prudent disease portfolios, and random good fortune. Clearly, America’s health future is speeding down a track to a two-tiered system, as performance-proven in third-world nations around the globe.

Bravo RomneyCare!

Please Note: Mittopian’s future dispatches will be placed from the public library, as his home is now property of Bain-Blackwater Blue-Cross Blue-Shield.

Tagged , , , , ,


With the repeal of “Obamacare,” President Romney has announced details of his signature non-universal healthcare initiative, proudly noting that the United States can at last re-join third world nations around the globe in failing to provide a non-emergency level of care to all its citizens.

Widespread healthcare, Romney said, was taking the US down a dangerous, socialist road, similar to that traveled by Europeans, British, Canadians, Asians, Scandinavians, South Americans, Australians, and other threatening allied nationals.

Siding instead with “the plucky little guys” like Paraguay, Rwanda, and Papua New Guinea, Romney told reporters he hopes to demonstrate that America is a friend to the free market “wherever it flourishes, whether in a corporate boardroom, a goatskin hut, or a Tijuana pharmacy selling outdated antibiotics.”

“As always, the free market regulates products to maximize its own profit,” he continued.

“That’s the best way to help our citizens attain their healthcare dreams. Because threatening ordinary Americans with potentially crippling hospital bills helps motivate self-reliance and productivity, rather than a victim culture of ‘entitlement sickness,’ where people take on serious disabilities without a thought of the long-term consequences.”

“For too long, Americans have felt entitled to unrestrained disease acquisitions, and all because of the promise of ‘free doctors,’ and ‘hospital beds.’ We want to encourage Americans to become sick within their means—and if they can’t afford that illness, America is still the country where people can dream of becoming wealthy enough to afford any affliction.”

“And that’s what healthcare in America is about—taking responsibility for your illness, and not expecting the government to take care of you. The Romney Health Act stresses self-reliance, positive lifestyle improvements, and, in the case of serious conditions—walking it off.”

Romney did re-assure the country that low-income families are not forgotten under the plan. Qualifying applicants will receive Band-Aid and ointment vouchers, as well as one of those Jesus  Good Luck candles they sell in all the bodegas.

Tagged , , , ,


On August 26 2012, then-candidate Mitt Romney and his wife Ann were profiled in Parade Magazine,  on subjects ranging from their Mormon faith to Mitt’s seemingly stunted emotional range. Speaking of their practice of tithing, the future First Lady shared with interviewer Lynn Sherr:

“When Mitt and I give that check, I actually cry.”

 “So do I,” Mitt quipped in trademark fashion, “but for a different reason.”

 Three years later, President Romney follows up with Parade in this essay, reflecting on the country’s progress in the Romney-Ryan Era:

Looking Back: A President Glances Over His Shoulder

As my first term comes to a close, I think of how the nation has changed and grown, and about the progress we’ve made by turning back the clock, to a time before “progressive” ideas like stem cell research, and regulated industries, and women’s suffrage took hold of our nation.

It’s sobering to recall what life was like during the Hell-storm of Democrat-enforced social freedoms that preceded me.

Back then, women were accessing birth control and getting raped and having abortions without a second thought. For many, it was like buying shoes, or going to the dentist. In fact, if women had been as enthusiastic about regular dental visits as they were about getting raped and having abortions, gingivitis would be a thing of the past.

Today, after 3 years with the Romney Ryan management team, I can proudly say that unwanted pregnancies are booming. We owe a big part of this growth to arbitrary limitations on access to birth control, as well as the fact that women are denied legal abortions under any circumstance. And although some children may be unplanned or painfully unwanted, these beautiful surprises can go on to become a president or a playwright or severely disabled with no hope of a meaningful existence free from pain.

I also recall the plight of our senior citizens under the previous big government administration. Our aging population was seeking medical care at an unprecedented rate, and eating freely, contributing to an epidemic of elder-obesity. Now, thanks to elimination of food assistance programs and rapid dismantling of the Medicare system, seniors are living shorter, less nourished lives, free from the control of government-imposed body-mass recommendations.

Finally, I look at the heart of America. When we shredded the social safety net strangling our nation, we released the hunger and desperation waiting in all of us, but hobbled by the threat of a progressive tax structure similar to the one that cursed us in our darkest economic hour–the 1950s. At last, we have come together in a spirit of powerful and avaricious resignation, a sense that each of us is in it for ourselves, because we can’t count on anyone for anything.

Thanks to the Romney-Ryan Plan for a New America, we are richer in our poverty, more secure in our paranoia, and more united in our intolerance.

Thank you, and may God and GlaxoSmithKline Pharma bless you.

Tagged , , , , , ,
%d bloggers like this: