Tag Archives: Medicare


With the free market providing health insurance products for all, Mittopian did some comparison-shopping, to give consumers an idea of the many options provided by the competitive environment of President Romney’s newly deregulated “Freedom-surance.”

Rather than expend time and resources in costly, outmoded research, Mittopian simply made half-assed use of his own statistics, and called it “A Personal Case Study”

Mittopian is a 53 year-old male, in generally good physical condition. He gets regular aerobic exercise, eats a healthy diet, and maintains a healthy weight. Like most Boomers, he is vainly certain of the superiority of his health-maintenance regimen.

Unfortunately, like many of his generation (who were exposed to untold environmental toxins in the 1950s and 60s,) Mittopian made poor lifestyle decisions: Mittopian recklessly took on responsibility for a rare and potentially costly disorder. Typical of East-Coast liberal media types, he thought this would make him “special,” and did not perform adequate genetic research before his reckless disease-spree.

(RomneyCare II emphasizes the importance of treating profitable “meat and potatoes” diseases like male-pattern baldness and erectile dysfunction, discouraging imaginary medical issues like “chronic fatigue syndrome,” “birth control,” and “diabetes type II.”)

Mittopian compounded his fiscal mis-steps by being a journalist, a low-level career that rarely supports basic health maintenance beyond hangnail removal and de-lousing.

In spite of any viable business model for insuring this losing investment, President Romney’s unregulated health insurance field promises products tailored for all needs by the steady, open hand of the free market, and Mittopian can report a variety of options:

Companies A and B assumed they were being pranked, and hung up on Mittopian immediately, amid gales of hysterical laughter. It didn’t do much for the research, but making people laugh is supposed to be a gift, so Mittopian is putting both companies in the “Win” column.

Company C delivered a stern lecture, reminding Mittopian that chronic illnesses are appropriate for people who can afford them, but “not everybody is cut out for MS or chronic kidney insufficiency.” They suggested that Mittopian might look into some less expensive maladies, noting that alcoholism is popular among writers. To their credit, they followed up by emailing some pamphlets, as well as coupons for Gordon’s Gin.  A+ for customer service.

Company D, however, was able to provide the perfect plan, one that promises free cough lozenges, as well as “occasional wellness texts,” and “basic resuscitation for most Code-Blue events.” With rates that seemed more attractive than most hemorrhagic fevers, (not covered,) this was the obvious choice.

In summary, Mittopian came away impressed by RomneyCare II’s thoughtful solutions, which reward both prudent disease portfolios, and random good fortune. Clearly, America’s health future is speeding down a track to a two-tiered system, as performance-proven in third-world nations around the globe.

Bravo RomneyCare!

Please Note: Mittopian’s future dispatches will be placed from the public library, as his home is now property of Bain-Blackwater Blue-Cross Blue-Shield.

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