Tag Archives: Music

ROMNEY SONS’ BOOK REVEALS RAW SIDE OF CELEBRITY

A blockbuster new volume by Mitt Romney’s sons exposes startling truths about the Romney clan, and the inside story behind the meteoric rise and eventual break-up of popular 70s rock group, The Mittones. The book includes shocking, frank revelations of sex, drug use, and the future President’s overbearing need to drive his sons, Mitts 2 through 6, to ever-greater heights of success.

Started on a ten-thousand dollar bet with Texas Governor Rick Perry, The Mittones grew from humble beginnings rehearsing in the family basement, to selling out stadium venues worldwide. They still enjoy a cult following in Japan, where their album Mittones At Budokan is considered a classic of 70s arena rock. But behind the scenes on that road to stardom, the sons were anything but one big happy family.

“He drove us so hard, every night he had us rehearsing and rehearsing,” Mitt 4 told Mittopia’s entertainment staff. “He was obsessed with The Partridge Family. He cut my hair like Danny Bonaduce—I told him playing the bass hurt my fingers, but he just said that not everybody got to be David Cassidy and wear a shag.”

But bad haircuts and itchy floral shirts were just surface tension; as the Mittones’ fame grew, so did their travails, sometimes to legendary proportions. Mitt 6 was arrested with a hooker in Atlanta, after trashing a hotel room and driving a rental car into a swimming pool. Mitt 4 endured years of tabloid headlines after his break-up with R&B singer Seal. And Mitt 2—pressured even more in his role as lead vocalist—descended into drug addiction.

“One night before a show, I was just so tired. I didn’t know how I’d go on. Then one of the roadies offered me a cup of coffee,” he recounts in a chapter called The Low-Fat Latte and The Damage Done.  “That was the beginning of my descent into Hell. The stimulating hot drink hit me like a freight train. Before I knew it, scoring was the first thing on my mind, every day. If I couldn’t find a Starbucks or a 7-11, I couldn’t go on stage. I was a monster.”

The sons join Republican presidential offspring like Ron Reagan and George W Bush in airing their family grievances in a highly-profitable public forum. A national book tour promoting the volume begins next week, with a coordinated release of a 6 CD Box Set, Never Mind The Sacred Undergarments, Here’s The Mittones.

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CINEMA MITTOPIA

Mittopia proudly presents:
MITTOPIA: THE MOVIE

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PAUL RYAN RELEASES REGGAE MIX

In an effort to bring in the youth vote, Vice President Paul Ryan is releasing an album of “deep grooves an irie riddims” produced by famed Jamaican producer Lee “Scratch” Perry.

Ryan’s love for reggae, rocksteady, and late-period ska has endeared him to tutones, rudies, and Portland residents nationwide. His Rastafarian leanings came to light in a recent TV interview, during which Ryan revealed that after a hard day privatizing public schools and highways, he liked to relax “wit’ some deep roots reggae an’ a burnin’ chalice.”

Performing as Selector I-Paul, Ryan prereleases a dancehall mix next week, with an extended, dub-inflected B-side. The complete album will follow a week later, available exclusively at Walmart.

Though Ryan’s move is in conflict with President Romney’s musical tastes, the White House has pledged its support, expressing admiration for the consistency of Ryan’s libertarian vision, as well as his unsurpassed record of last-ditch pandering.

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