Tag Archives: Paul Ryan

NIXON: ROMNEY ‘MOST UNAPPEALING CANDIDATE SINCE ME’

Historical Republican figure Richard Nixon has weighed in on the Presidential race, with some advice for incumbent President Mitt Romney.

Speaking with host Charles Krauthammer on Meet the Press, Nixon offered the embattled incumbent some hard-earned counsel as the Presidential debates unfold:

“Right now, self-satisfied journalists and egghead historians are wringing their soft, liberal hands about this or that, comparing Romney’s performance to mine in the 1960 debates. And let’s face it—I was a sweating, unappealing mess.”

“But I took those lessons, and in less than ten years, I was dismantling democracy from within the White House! Sure, we made some mistakes, but Romney could learn a thing or two from ol’ Dick Nixon.”

The former president, who resigned in disgrace just two years after a landslide re-election in 1972, told Krauthammer that victory is still within reach for Team Romney. But he underscored that this is possible only if Romney is prepared to truly embrace the darkest realms of human nature. Nixon outlined a few broad strokes based on his successful use of greed, envy, avarice, duplicity, and animal predation.

“First, and I mean this with all respect, Romney’s dirty tricks department could really use  some work. I mean, he had funding I could only dream of, but he he’s weak in character assassination. Using Trump was a good idea, but Romney seemed to back away, it was almost like he was afraid he’d end up looking ridiculous. There’s no room for that kind of decency at this level of politics.”

“But I like this Rove fellow—he’s a pistol, the kind I liked on my team. Single-minded, unethical, the whole package. I’ve seen some pretty low players, but he’s right down there.”

” Still, it all falls apart at the top. Romney doesn’t seem to have the blood instinct that it takes to use extra-legal means to get the job done. I mean, Ryan would probably kill his grandmother’s puppy if Romney told him, but Mittens just doesn’t have the cojones to lead.”

“It’s ironic, really. He built a career on ruining ordinary folks without ever seeing their faces, skirting the edges of morality and the law. But when it comes to really dismantling lives on a personal, one-on-one basis– He’s just like the rest of these rich kids, afraid to get his hands dirty.”

Nixon has been out of the public eye since his death in 1994. He seems to have chosen this particular moment in history to re-insert himself into the political arena, leading pundits to  speculate on a possible presidential run in 2020.

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GOP CARVES NEW PATH TO VICTORY AS CHRISTIE, HUCKABEE CONSUME OHIO

With President Romney’s chances fading in the aftermath of gaffes, furniture upstagings, and a frustratingly inept voter suppression effort, campaign advisors feel the safest route to securing the crucial swing state of Ohio is simply to devour it.

Moderates within the party suggested just having Christie bellow Ohio into submission, but top officials decided the more prudent political course was to harness the proven gorging potential of the GOP’s two most powerful eaters.

Attempting to woo voters with heroic feats of gluttony may seem a risky move with President Romney preparing for this week’s debates, but many insiders believe it will be a welcome distraction from the President’s almost inevitable stream of half-truths, sour humor, and divisive rhetoric.

Polls show the President continues to have difficulty connecting with many working Americans, so Republican operatives hope that incorporating obesity and binge-eating into the campaign language will put him more in touch with his core constituency.

Ironically, Huckabee earlier had succumbed to “healthy eating” propaganda, even authoring a popular weight-loss book, but came to realize that his political fortunes were closely tied with his ability to devour his opponents. Since returning to his former robust profile, he reports “I feel like crap, and I can barely make it up a flight of stairs. But if living on Twinkies and Mars Bars is the price for a healthy America, it’s a sacrifice I’m making.”

As of Saturday evening, Christie and Huckabee successfully had consumed Cuyahoga, Hamilton, and Franklin counties. Less Democratic-intensive rural areas will follow after a palate-cleansing cucumber granita.

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SEAMUS SPEAKS: MITT ROMNEY WATERBOARDED ME

President Romney’s newly enacted pro-torture program has an unlikely foe in the First Family’s late dog Seamus. Speaking in an exclusive interview with Mittopia, Seamus accused the President of using “enhanced obedience training techniques,” including waterboarding, extended sleep deprivation, and continuous, high-decibel replay of The Osmonds’ 1971 hit “One Bad Apple (Don’t Spoil The Whole Bunch Girl.”)

President Romney is defending Seamus’ stringent training regimen, pointing out that “He was a water dog, an Irish Setter–or at least he had an Irish name. Seamus was outdoorsy, he loved the water, and fresh air. We only used these very specialized training techniques to break him of some inappropriate elimination habits. Believe me, after a couple of gentle lungsful of pure, mountain spring water, he wasn’t ‘making’ on the station wagon roof anymore.”

The President is an avid fan of waterboarding and other “enhanced interrogation” techniques, stubbornly ignoring assertions of ineffectiveness by FBI sources, as well as condemnation from pretty much every civilized nation in the world. His repeal of an Executive Order establishing guidelines for interrogations contradicts a 2006 Supreme Court decision, as well as the Geneva Convention. The President is dismissing both of these institutions as “ spineless terror collaborators.”

Mr. Romney frequently has assailed ex-President Obama as “soft on terrorism,” in spite of the Obama administration’s record of killing Osama bin Laden, and eliminating numerous high-level al Qaeda operatives.

Mr. Romney contends that “meeting terrorism head-on means more than just removing immediate threats to national security, it means instilling a greater level of fear and paranoia in the citizenry, expanding the military budget beyond The Pentagon’s own requests, and reinforcing deep rifts of suspicion toward non-white, non- Christian Americans.”

Seamus’ arc to posthumous fame began after newspaper reports that the future President once strapped him to the roof of the family station wagon on an extended vacation drive. Since running away from the family in Canada, Seamus has lived as an expatriate, an outspoken advocate of human and animal rights, and a frequent speaker on behalf of Amnesty International.

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OUT OF THE HEADLINES, RYAN STEPS UP EFFORT TO REMIND PUBLIC HE’S STILL ALIVE

Vice President Paul Ryan is continuing to assert his relevancy to the Executive Branch with a novel approach to campaigning, a cross country whistle-stop self-help seminar called “Paul Ryan’s 7 Habits of Moderately Effective Douchebags.”

Riding on the success of Paul Ryan’s P-90x Wii-Fit Workout, and Paul Ryan’s Privatizing for Dummies, the Veep’s 3-day Ayn Rand-inspired empowerment workshop includes training in Basic and Advanced Prevarication, Applied Disregard for Normal Human Needs, Creative Mathematics, and General Pandering. An entire afternoon is devoted to Boyishly Ingratiating Smirking.

Though Ryan has never worked in the private sector, his course has had great success with corporate clients, who report that the curriculum emphasizing grimly class-based financial calculus, and a general lack of humanity, is a tremendous boon for rising young executives.

Tranche Hobbes III is one such attendee. Since starting his career as a toxic mortgage-bundling executive for a major Wall Street firm, he quickly advanced to a seven-figure annual salary, but nettlesome inner hints of social awareness were holding him back from his true potential.

“When I took that ridiculous Tony Robbins course, I only learned how to walk over hot coals without incurring third degree burns. At the Paul Ryan Seminar, I learned how to walk over the white-hot corpses of my social inferiors without feeling a twinge of remorse! Paul Ryan made me feel good about crushing the dreams of little people, because he reminded me that I deserved to succeed, and they didn’t!”

Ryan’s seminar goes national this week, and is coordinated to avoid cities in which President Romney is appearing, as the campaign feels Ryan is “most effective when he’s playing his intellectual maverick role—far, far away from the President.”

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ROMNEYCARE BRINGS PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY BACK TO ILLNESS

With the repeal of “Obamacare,” President Romney has announced details of his signature non-universal healthcare initiative, proudly noting that the United States can at last re-join third world nations around the globe in failing to provide a non-emergency level of care to all its citizens.

Widespread healthcare, Romney said, was taking the US down a dangerous, socialist road, similar to that traveled by Europeans, British, Canadians, Asians, Scandinavians, South Americans, Australians, and other threatening allied nationals.

Siding instead with “the plucky little guys” like Paraguay, Rwanda, and Papua New Guinea, Romney told reporters he hopes to demonstrate that America is a friend to the free market “wherever it flourishes, whether in a corporate boardroom, a goatskin hut, or a Tijuana pharmacy selling outdated antibiotics.”

“As always, the free market regulates products to maximize its own profit,” he continued.

“That’s the best way to help our citizens attain their healthcare dreams. Because threatening ordinary Americans with potentially crippling hospital bills helps motivate self-reliance and productivity, rather than a victim culture of ‘entitlement sickness,’ where people take on serious disabilities without a thought of the long-term consequences.”

“For too long, Americans have felt entitled to unrestrained disease acquisitions, and all because of the promise of ‘free doctors,’ and ‘hospital beds.’ We want to encourage Americans to become sick within their means—and if they can’t afford that illness, America is still the country where people can dream of becoming wealthy enough to afford any affliction.”

“And that’s what healthcare in America is about—taking responsibility for your illness, and not expecting the government to take care of you. The Romney Health Act stresses self-reliance, positive lifestyle improvements, and, in the case of serious conditions—walking it off.”

Romney did re-assure the country that low-income families are not forgotten under the plan. Qualifying applicants will receive Band-Aid and ointment vouchers, as well as one of those Jesus  Good Luck candles they sell in all the bodegas.

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SATAN SUING ROMNEY OVER CHENEY BAPTISMS

A complex power struggle is unfolding at the highest levels of the Republican party, after accusations that President Romney posthumously baptized former Vice President Dick Cheney in the Mormon Church, even though Cheney is still alive.

A brief filed by Cheney’s agent-attorneys Nosferatu and Associates references the controversial Mormon practice of converting dead friends, relatives, and surprisingly touchy Jewish holocaust victims. The President admitted in a 2007 interview to taking part in these rites, but “not recently.”

Within the Mormon Church, administering posthumous baptism is a great virtue, part of attaining a godlike state of enlightenment and omnipotence. In the case of holocaust victims, this road to immortality involves ante-mortem missionary work with resting souls already subjected to inhuman torment and religious persecution.

Cheney’s case presents moral and legal issues that are arguably more involved, as Cheney remains nominally alive, and demonstrably an irredeemable person.

Nosferatu—who has represented Mr. Cheney for over 875 years—expressed particular outrage toward the President’s presumptive pitch for the former VP’s eternal spirit, as Cheney’s s contract clearly states that his soul is committed to Underworld Enterprises, LLC for the next 50 millennia.

“Mr. Romney has no valid claim on Mr. Cheney’s soul,” Nosferatu’s brief read. “With all his years in business and politics, we doubt he was ignorant of standard Personal Essence Non-Interference clauses. It was just business as usual for corporate raider Mitt Romney, working the gray areas of the spirit allocation market. But this isn’t Federal Income Taxes or some Cayman Island shell corporation. He’s playing with the big boys now. And he better keep his manicured hands off Ryan, too. That bitch is mine.”

Attorney General Kid Rock remains quiet on the matter, but he is known to be weighing the issue carefully. Nosferatu has an undefeated record in matters of soul-allocation, and many within the GOP are quietly suggesting that Mr. Romney apologize to Cheney and The Devil, though that seems unlikely given the President’s unbroken record of vainglorious obstinacy.

Ironically, Mr. Romney’s early career was jumpstarted by his involvement with Nosferatu’s firm, but the two parted company a few years ago, when Nosferatu bundled Romney’s contract to the late Isaac Hayes for his popularly syndicated “Payback Games.”

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HHS TO BEGIN IMMUNIZING POOR AGAINST NEW STRAIN OF “VOTING FEVER”

With cold, flu, and election season right around the corner, Surgeon General Bill Frist announced a series of public service programs designed to reduce community reliance on unhealthy voting practices. Expressing concern about a possible epidemic of voting in poor and minority neighborhoods, Frist detailed an education and immunization program rolling out in areas typically beyond the reach of GOP operatives.

One of the only non-fee health initiatives operating under Ryan Care, the anti-voting program draws heavily on research commissioned by Liberty University Medical School, which suggests that polls are among the chief vectors for a potent vote-borne virus, known as “Democracy Fever.”

The cornerstone of the program is a new vaccine developed by Citicorp National Institutes of Health. Marketed under the trade name “Rove-itussin,” the vaccine soothes sore throats, relieves the pressure of making decisions, and contains powerful voter suppressants. Unlike potentially unhealthy ballot-casting activities, access to the vaccine will not require an ID.

On the education front, disadvantaged citizens will enjoy an animated feature on the powerful social stigma attached to voters—the first in a series of government PSAs called School Voucher Rock. Retro 70s tunes and kitschy animation highlight the inherent uncoolness of political enfranchisement.

Above all, Frist advised caution against potential minority voting outbreaks. His best advice for left-leaning communities at risk for spontaneous voting is common sense and vigilance:

“If you think you might be sick—if you even feel the slightest suggestion of a sniffle of inclination to vote Democratic—stay home from the polls. And don’t do that absentee ballot thing—it’s a telemarketing scam, and you’ll NEVER get them to stop calling. Just get into bed, drink plenty of cheap beer, and watch endless TV. But be careful not to watch election returns within 24 hours of receiving Rove-itussin, as it may cause intense feelings of existential dread and nausea. In some cases, this sensation may last longer than four years.”

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ROMNEY: NO MORE MR. NICE GUY

The National Naval Medical Center confirms that President Romney is recovering nicely after minor surgery to remove a few small remnants of a sense of shame. The President is known to have damaged his sense of shame in a corporate takeover exercise early in his private-sector career; since then, he has occasionally been bothered by twinges of conscience–a medical term referring to an episodic sense of psychic discomfort brought on by compromised actions or decisions.

As President, Romney typically spends an average of 3-5 hours a day in active antagonism, and the physical toll was increasingly aggravating his shame centers.  Historically, he has worked through these distracting flare-ups, and has always prided himself on a high shame threshold. But medical and political advisors counseled him that the elective procedure might make it more comfortable for him to maintain his rigorous schedule of offending international sensibilities, insulting domestic factions, and alienating everyday, working Americans.

In a brief press conference, doctors said that Romney will remain in the hospital for a few days, so they can monitor his system to be certain it is adjusting to the total lack of self-censure. After a few weeks’ recuperation, the President should be able to function much as he always has, but free from the potential distraction of critical inner dialogue.

Doctors noted that a sense of shame is believed to have once served a purpose in Chief Executives, but now is considered extraneous, like the appendix, or minimum wage laws. Recent polls suggest that among the most affluent Americans, elective shame removal is increasingly popular, eclipsing circumcision and rhinoplasty as the most requested surgery for newborns.

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RYAN: VA-VA-VA -VEEP!

Vice President Paul Ryan has called in the Justice Department after a string of tabloid newspapers refused to publish pictures of him topless. The VP expressed disappointment at the recent turn in the operation known as The Abs And The Furious, but said that he felt there was no other way to assert his overweening arrogance.

Ryan’s torso has been a subject of speculation for much of his term, so when news of the photos first circulated, a number of outlets vied for rights. But when it came to light that Ryan himself was the source of the leaked pictures, publishers backed away, conceding that this level of pandering was repellant even to them.

Ryan defended the move as a test of Vice Presidential freedom of expression, and an important morale builder for recently disenfranchised American women.

Vice President Ryan, shown with shirt

With legal action pending, it seems unlikely that the general public will be seeing Ryan’s ripples any time soon, but Mittopia’s entertainment staff has scoped raw stock of the not-so-leaked pix, According to our gossip-industry insider, the Veep looked good for a middle-aged man who gets most of his exercise privatizing interstates, but his pitches for publication would benefit from some manscaping. “Vice President or not, shoulder tufts do not get you on page two,” he notes. “No amount of Photoshop is going to clearcut that forest.”

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ROMNEY’S HAIR DECLARES GENERAL STRIKE

Talks between President Romney’s sideburns and the rest of his hair have broken down. In the absence of major concessions from the sideburns, the darker majority has voted unanimously to go on strike beginning at midnight. The dark hair has formed a loose coalition under the banner name Occupy White Streak.

Occupy White Streak has yet to release a cohesive position statement, but they did issue a brief declaration through counsel:

“The sideburns are just a small percentage of the President’s magnificent coiffeur, but they control a disproportionate segment of the President’s image. These few white hairs have not earned their attention.”

“We know the unwritten rules of the President’s hair: For all his talk of class mobility, there are some boundaries that don’t get crossed. At the end of every day, we retire burned by chemical dyes and smothered in gel, knowing that we will wake up tomorrow and start this dirty grind all over again, while the sideburns live in segregated, pampered comfort.”

“We have suffered the indignity of this marginalization for years. Our young grow up knowing there are two sides of the tracks: Sideburns, and the rest of us. We will not suffer silently any longer. We are The Coif Creators! We are the 99%!”

Administration spokespeople were not available for comment, but a tactical barber team was seen arriving at the White House earlier today, armed with tasers and CS gas. Anonymous sources within the Pentagon confirm that strategists are preparing for the possibility of Occupy movements breaking out on other parts of the President’s body.

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NEW FEMA-AMWAY TIE-IN IS GOOD NEWS FOR HOUSING STARTS

The White House is trumpeting a major boom in the emergency housing market, kickstarted by Romney-Ryan initiatives including the “Job Creator’s Tax Relief Fund,” and the final leasing of Pennsylvania and New York State to Haliburton’s Fracking Division.

Shacks, shanties, and lean-tos are up 35% nationwide, and both truck- and car-homes have seen significant growth. The trend has been under study by administration economists eager to exploit the burgeoning “transitional homes” segment, while still retaining an appearance of engagement with the dispossessed.

Seeking to take advantage of current market conditions, Press Secretary Rupert Murdoch announced that The Federal Emergency Management Agency is partnering with Amway Industries to produce and distribute a unique, flat-pack “Pioneer Spirit” home. Constructed of durable, double-ply “America-Board,” the homes will come in a number of configurations, all featuring spacious, open floor plans, and LEED-certified biodegradable design.

The dwellings meet the administration’s “off-grid” energy goal, bringing utility expenses to zero.  “We feel that harnessing natural, human body heat is the best way for us to eliminate our dependence on foreign energy sources, and the Pioneer Home seemed like the ideal platform to introduce that concept to the market, “ Murdoch said.

Pioneer Spirit by FemAmway will be distributed through a unique, multi-level marketing channel. Entrepreneurs will have the opportunity to create networks of partners to develop their very own “Romney-villes”across the country.

Murdoch told reporters that the Pioneer Home is a keystone success for administration policies. “Rather than give a handout to those who choose to experience natural disaster or financial ruin, we’re giving them a chance to re-build communities through market forces. This is the way America works under President Romney’s leadership.”

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PAUL RYAN: I KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN

In an exclusive excerpt from his upcoming tell-all book, Vice President Ryan draws a vivid portrait of his role in Navy SEAL Team 6, including never-before revealed details of how he gunned down Osama bin Laden.

Apparently unfazed by national security concerns, non-disclosure agreements, or military protocol, the VP recounts the minute-by-minute of what he calls Paul Ryan’s Longest Day:

“I was still a little woozy from the 6 or 8 Ambien I chocked before boarding the Blackhawk, but we’d all gotten used to the sleepwalking and hallucinations. The team waited, patient but tense as the chopper maneuvered toward the roof of bin Laden’s compound. Feeling emboldened, I jumped out at about 60 feet, and sprinted off ahead of the others.”

“When I burst into the living room, Osama was just sitting around in his shorts, eating pork rinds, drinking PBR, and watching low-res girl-on-girl porno. He didn’t seem much more threatening than your average liberal-arts student, but I knew he was the most wanted man in the world. So I leveled my Bain-Blackhawk Arms Marauder in my P90-X-ripped arms, and I double-tapped him to the head. Once would have been enough, but saying ‘double-tapped’ is so much cooler.”

Ryan goes on to recall the quiet jubilation when he called President Romney to confirm his kill. “Mitt and Ann were in The White House Situation Room, praying and reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. When I told them on the radio that I’d killed Osama, it was the closest to a genuine display of emotion I’ve ever heard from either of them.”

Ryan’s book will be in widespread release beginning Friday. His literary agents Rove & Partners confirm that a promotion tour will target markets in the Mid-West and Deep South “Gullibility Belts.” A screen adaptation is in the works, with Kirk Cameron coming out of retirement to play Ryan.

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PAUL RYAN RELEASES REGGAE MIX

In an effort to bring in the youth vote, Vice President Paul Ryan is releasing an album of “deep grooves an irie riddims” produced by famed Jamaican producer Lee “Scratch” Perry.

Ryan’s love for reggae, rocksteady, and late-period ska has endeared him to tutones, rudies, and Portland residents nationwide. His Rastafarian leanings came to light in a recent TV interview, during which Ryan revealed that after a hard day privatizing public schools and highways, he liked to relax “wit’ some deep roots reggae an’ a burnin’ chalice.”

Performing as Selector I-Paul, Ryan prereleases a dancehall mix next week, with an extended, dub-inflected B-side. The complete album will follow a week later, available exclusively at Walmart.

Though Ryan’s move is in conflict with President Romney’s musical tastes, the White House has pledged its support, expressing admiration for the consistency of Ryan’s libertarian vision, as well as his unsurpassed record of last-ditch pandering.

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RYAN: I MISRECALLED MOON LANDING, BUDGET DETAILS

Vice President Paul Ryan today conceded that his memory was faulty when he boasted to a radio interviewer that he was the first man to set foot on the surface of the moon. Ryan’s office noted that as a child, the Vice President frequently enjoyed gazing at the moon, and he got a little mixed up in his recollection of events.

This is the second time this week that Ryan admitted to some small cognitive difficulties. On Monday, he confessed that a slip carrying a decimal point in the Ryan Budget is at the heart of the greatest inequality in wealth in the nation’s history.

“With millions subsisting on cat food or worse, it’s a little embarrassing to confess that I really never was that good at math,” Ryan told reporters in a boyish-yet-still-commanding tone.

“After all, my only business experience before coming to Washington was working the grill at McDonalds. It’s kind of ironic to think that same job is probably now held by a senior citizen being paid half as much, due to the repeal of all minimum wage laws,” Ryan said with a chuckle.

Ryan declined to respond to any specific questions about his cognitive or moral fitness to continue his duties. His office did express hope that the pointless media flap surrounding his claim as a pioneering space traveler would distract the nation from some of his more egregious fabrications.

White House fact-checkers confirmed that the first man on the moon was actually Texas Governor Lance Armstrong, who helped establish the Browning-Ferris Industries Lunar Landfill in 1986, along with fellow astronauts Clint Eastwood and Tommy Lee Jones, as recounted in the movie Space Cowboys.

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GOEBBELS TO RYAN: KEEP TRYIN’

Nazi propagandist Josef Goebbels made a surprise weigh-in on the 2016 presidential race this weekend.

Speaking with host Charles Krauthammer on Meet The Press, the onetime Reichsminister expressed support for embattled Veep Paul Ryan, while reserving some harsh words for those invoking Goebbels’ reputation as a master fabulist.

“For the last three or four years, whenever my name enters the public conversation, it’s linked with Vice President Ryan’s, so I’d really like to set the record straight,” Goebbels told Krauthammer.

“I’m behind the Romney-Ryan ticket 100-percent. And I’m a huge fan of Paul Ryan—big, big fan. I’ve been watching him for some time, and he’s always impressed me. His lying game is strong on the fundamentals, he’s got tremendous stamina, and he can lie convincingly at the drop of a hat.”

“He’s good. Really good. He’s just not Goebbels good.”

Though out of the public eye since his 1945 suicide, Goebbels lately enjoys renewed popularity as a conservative pundit. His early-AM talk show “Das Morgen Josef” is syndicated in over 350 markets.

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BREAKING: BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY ARRESTED IN FBI RAID

Bill Nye the Science Guy has been apprehended and taken into custody by FBI-Ingenix.

Nye has been on the Ten Most Wanted List since he released a series of Youtube videos supporting the teaching of evolution, the role of human activity in climate change, and the difference between boys and girls when they take off their pants.

Nye went on the run last year, when a Federal tribunal found him in violation of The 2014 Ryan Religious Freedom Act, which guarantees citizens freedom from threats by logic and common decency, restricting the teaching of science to churches, home schools, and religiously-affiliated museums.

Nye is being held indefinitely at The Prison Suites by Marriot at Guantanamo Bay. There will be no trial.

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SUNDAY FEATURE: ROMNEY REFLECTS ON THREE YEARS IN THE WHITE HOUSE

On August 26 2012, then-candidate Mitt Romney and his wife Ann were profiled in Parade Magazine,  on subjects ranging from their Mormon faith to Mitt’s seemingly stunted emotional range. Speaking of their practice of tithing, the future First Lady shared with interviewer Lynn Sherr:

“When Mitt and I give that check, I actually cry.”

 “So do I,” Mitt quipped in trademark fashion, “but for a different reason.”

 Three years later, President Romney follows up with Parade in this essay, reflecting on the country’s progress in the Romney-Ryan Era:

Looking Back: A President Glances Over His Shoulder

As my first term comes to a close, I think of how the nation has changed and grown, and about the progress we’ve made by turning back the clock, to a time before “progressive” ideas like stem cell research, and regulated industries, and women’s suffrage took hold of our nation.

It’s sobering to recall what life was like during the Hell-storm of Democrat-enforced social freedoms that preceded me.

Back then, women were accessing birth control and getting raped and having abortions without a second thought. For many, it was like buying shoes, or going to the dentist. In fact, if women had been as enthusiastic about regular dental visits as they were about getting raped and having abortions, gingivitis would be a thing of the past.

Today, after 3 years with the Romney Ryan management team, I can proudly say that unwanted pregnancies are booming. We owe a big part of this growth to arbitrary limitations on access to birth control, as well as the fact that women are denied legal abortions under any circumstance. And although some children may be unplanned or painfully unwanted, these beautiful surprises can go on to become a president or a playwright or severely disabled with no hope of a meaningful existence free from pain.

I also recall the plight of our senior citizens under the previous big government administration. Our aging population was seeking medical care at an unprecedented rate, and eating freely, contributing to an epidemic of elder-obesity. Now, thanks to elimination of food assistance programs and rapid dismantling of the Medicare system, seniors are living shorter, less nourished lives, free from the control of government-imposed body-mass recommendations.

Finally, I look at the heart of America. When we shredded the social safety net strangling our nation, we released the hunger and desperation waiting in all of us, but hobbled by the threat of a progressive tax structure similar to the one that cursed us in our darkest economic hour–the 1950s. At last, we have come together in a spirit of powerful and avaricious resignation, a sense that each of us is in it for ourselves, because we can’t count on anyone for anything.

Thanks to the Romney-Ryan Plan for a New America, we are richer in our poverty, more secure in our paranoia, and more united in our intolerance.

Thank you, and may God and GlaxoSmithKline Pharma bless you.

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TAX CODE: ROMNEY-RYAN REHAB RELIEVES RICH

The White House today unveiled details of the 2013 Romney-Ryan Tax Relief Plan, which reflects the President’s experience as a corporate asset stripper successful CEO, as well as the Vice President’s fetishistic devotion to objectivist philosopher Ayn Rand.

In a televised address that relied heavily on Powerpoint ProTools and the uplifting music of composer Richard Wagner, the President outlined a three-tiered scheme to infuse cash into the sectors that need it most.

Under the new tax code, IRS-Diebold will issue refunds to corporate individuals in the form of stock options or uncollateralized securities. Corporations who E-file can choose to have their returns transmitted directly to their portfolio, Swiss bank account, or participating H&R Block locations. Mail filers should provide an address for an attorney or offshore shell corporation. Corporate filers who did not pay any taxes will still receive a refund.

Most non-corporate persons and families will not be receiving a refund. They should expect a bill within 30 days of filing. All invoices are net 15 days, with a 2% daily penalty for late payment.

Medicare recipients and lower income taxpayers seeking a refund must be prepared to present 10-12 years of annotated tax documents, along with a government-issued taxpayer ID card. Refunds will be transmitted as vouchers, redeemable at all Best Buy and Blockbuster locations.

Closing his remarks in an uncomfortably folksy tone, the president underscored the new tax code’s emphasis on fairness for traditionally marginalized ultra-high earners:

“A lot of us know that when we face tough times, the best way to make both ends meat is by stretching USDA-unregulated beef with breadcrumbs. If we put an end to big government interference, and ensure the well-being of our precious job creators, inevitably they will drop some of those crumbs, giving all card-carrying citizens a fair chance to prosper and grow.”

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SPECIAL REPORT: ROMNEY ADMINISTRATION’S FOCUS ON FEMALES

Newly appointed Planned Parenthood director Todd Akin today announced an effort in partnership with Coca-Cola, aimed at helping legitimate rape victims who face unwanted pregnancies.

“When I was growing up in Missouri in the ‘50s and early ‘60s, kids were taught that Coca-Cola was an effective ‘morning after’ product, as well as a delicious, refreshing beverage. All the fast girls knew that using Coke ‘down there’ would stop any babies in their tracks,” Akin told Mittopia.

Although most Planned Parenthood offices were shuttered immediately after President Romney took office, the retooled Planned Parenthood By Coca-Cola RJR Sony will be conducting outreach campaigns in malls, schools, and other religious institutions.

Rape victims who submit an affidavit of authenticity will receive a special “victim’s gift bag” consisting of two commemorative ‘50s-style glass bottles of Coke, an extra-scratchy set of “shaming underpants,” and a short pamphlet titled “Coping With the Unwanted Child You’re Going to Have Anyway…With Coke!”

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Vice President Ryan and Surgeon General Bill Frist are sponsoring an initiative to protect the right of pharmacists to deny sales of intimate lubricants on the basis of religious belief or social awkwardness.

“These despicable products are part of a radical feminist agenda that sex should not be painful and confusing. They reinforce a pleasure-seeking mindset that should make women feel ashamed and icky, and we support efforts to allow medical professionals to follow their conscience, ” a White House press release said.

In related news, government partners Women’s Clinics by Blackwater-Trojan Industries will debut a new category of women’s health product, a line of female condoms treated with desensitizing cream to delay or eliminate the onset of female orgasm, or “hysterical paroxysm.” The “Blue Belle™” was developed after new government research proved that female orgasm is unnecessary and possibly dangerous to national security.

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SUNDAY SUCCESS STORY: PATRICIAN POTABLES PULL POSH PATRONS

With widespread despair fueling record alcohol consumption, business is already booming for New York bar owner Ramp Norwalk. But Norwalk has hit on a growth formula to fulfill his wildest champagne dreams.

“Frankly, I’m already stinking rich, selling craft beer and Fernet Branca to hipsters,” Norwalk told Mittopia, “but after joining Paul Ryan’s Book Club and reading some Ayn Rand, I realized it’s my moral responsibility to become rich enough to spit on these filthy beatniks, with their cupcakes, and their strollers, and their talk of ‘a sustainable economy.’”

Norwalk has renamed his bar Deregulate America, updating top to bottom with a theme celebrating “Enterprise Unshackled.” Banquettes are veneered with a laminate of elephant ivory and exotic hedge-fund derivatives, while booths are upholstered in infant snow leopard. But the centerpiece—the hook that keeps drawing in the Trumps and the Adelsons—is a signature cocktail called The Mitt-ropolitan. There’s something in it that keeps the GOP’s top-tier coming back for more.

“I really can’t talk about the secret ingredient, but my mixologist is a magician! He’s my accountant, too!” brags Norwalk.

Mittopia assembled a panel of prominent alcoholic Republican pundits, who put the Mitt-ropolitan through its paces. All agree the irresistible secret ingredient is an extract distilled from the tears of Democratic-leaning orphans.

Though bar-owner Norwalk remains mum on the drink’s mouthwatering mystery, Bain-Haliburton subsidiary Tearco—the sole supplier of orphans’ tears on the East coast—reports a spike in sales. Tearco’s Jason Maxwell confirms, “Increased demand is always a challenge, but the kids just love it. We call them our tiny entrepreneurs! It just shows that when the invisible hand of the free market works, everybody gets stroked!”

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