Tag Archives: Politics

EASTWOOD: EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LUCID

Actor Clint Eastwood reprised his 2012 role as Romney endorser, addressing the delegates from a stage graced by an empty chair, as well as a full living room suite, a kitschy mounted trout, and a chest of drawers the set designer just thought looked right.

Eastwood began with some light improv, acting out suggestions from the audience, then led into the substance of his endorsement:

Friends, looking out at your proud, pale faces, I can’t help but think how far America has come in the last four years.

Do you remember what it was like during so-called President Obama’s unholy reign?

Compulsory hip-hop music blared on every street corner.

Sweeping civil liberties were enforced on all citizens.

We suffered the tyranny of fact-driven media, without federally mandated editing.

 If there was a Hell on Earth, we were burning in its infernal fury.

Today, ordinary Americans are no longer crushed by the burden of socialistic programs like public schools and police and fire departments. Freed from this welfare state, they decide for themselves which Bain subsidiary they purchase these services from. Or they can simply choose to arm themselves heavily.

And under the revised Romney Flat Tithe, all citizens pay an equal amount to the Mormon church, regardless of their income level or registered religious status.

Finally, corporate people are no longer second-class citizens, they enjoy voting rights and their own congressional districts, just like everybody else. In fact, thanks to President Romney’s corporate affirmative action plan, corporations have extra votes, to help pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. This is what freedom is about.”

Eastwood’s appearance lasted almost 3 hours, suggesting that he was still trying out some ideas live before drafting a final script. He closed by “breaking through the fourth wall,” leading delegates in a rousing call and response of Eddie Rabbit’s theme song for Eastwood’s 1978 trucker comedy Every Which Way But Loose, followed by a 45-minute game of Duck-Duck-Goose.

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CONVENTION SNAPSHOT: RAND REACHES OUT

After days of anticipation, the surprise speaker at today’s RNC turned out to be philosopher Ayn Rand, who died in 1982.

GOP strategists tapped Rand to help broaden the appeal of the Romney Ryan ticket. They believe her philosophy of enlightened self interest–which rejects dark social forces like altruism–will resonate with female and minority voters.

Before a reverent crowd of delegates who never quite got through Atlas Shrugged, Rand spoke passionately on some of her favorite themes: Downsizing government, encouraging individual responsibility, and ridding society of the underclass of parasites and loafers who prevent alpha-job creators from attaining their birthright grandeur.

The surprise grew when Rand was joined onstage by First Lady Ann Romney. Together, they announced the AYN AND ANN TOUR, a series of whistle stop events at targeted ethnic and female-oriented enclaves, including Miami, New York, Los Angeles, and Provincetown.

Speaking on a vaguely personal note, Romney tried to reach out to the non-white-male voter bloc:

“We just want to tell you people that you are not forgotten. Your bright clothing and emotive body language enrich this country in ways that a Cayman Island investment corporation or wildly regressive tax code never can.”

According to Advertising Age, canny GOP media buys expanded the speech’s audience, with paid coverage on reluctant BET and Telemundo networks. This strategy was critical to the success of the day’s events, as there were no actual people of color in the convention hall.

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CONVENTION SNAPSHOT: COULTER INTRODUCES RNC PLATFORM ON WOMEN’S HEALTH

Health and Human Services Director Ann Coulter introduced a controversial plank in the 2016 RNC platform on women’s health. Under proposed regulations, women seeking gynecological care will no longer enjoy the use of traditional stirrups, but will be compelled to examination in a full-restraint instrument based on the pillory, a humiliation device originally developed in the late 13th century.

Former politician Dr. Ron Paul—an ob-gyn—was consulted in the design of the instrument, which he calls The Paul-ery.

“As an ob-gyn, I found that women became unruly when I penetrated them with a cold metal instrument,” Dr Paul told Mittopia.

“The Paul-ery helps to stabilize the patient, which is both efficient and humane. There is an optional hood attachment to cover the head, as I believe this causes women to think it’s night time, and go to sleep.”

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CONVENTION PROTESTS: ROMNEY A HOLOGRAM?

As delegates swarm into the 2016 RNC, they run a gantlet of angry protesters from the farthest fringes of their party, all demanding an answer to the same question:

Is Mitt Romney a hologram?

These are the most vocal representatives of the “Mirther” movement, a loose collective that questions Romney’s humanity. Spurred by an unsubstantiated email campaign, they are demanding that Romney release his long form birth certificate, or at least a warranty card.

Their key points of evidence are Romney’s absence of credible human emotions, and the fact that he disappears in photographs taken from certain angles.

With his superb grooming and wooden manner, Romney has many hallmarks of a manufactured commodity.

Romney’s “father” George Romney was president of now-defunct American Motors from 1954 to 1962, so some Mirthers believe the President is a product of AMC’s advanced engineering lab, which is known to have experimented with holograms in the early 1960s.

Rush Limbaugh has been promoting a lower-tech theory that Romney is actually a piece of animatronic hardware, “like a Japanese sex robot.”

In spite of the difficulty navigating the lines of unruly protesters, most delegates were unaffected by the Mirther mob. June Mayhew of Davenport, Iowa seemed to speak for most of them as she cheerfully maintained “I don’t know if he’s a hologram or not, but he’s extremely lifelike, and I think he’s been just great for the country.”

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BREAKING: BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY ARRESTED IN FBI RAID

Bill Nye the Science Guy has been apprehended and taken into custody by FBI-Ingenix.

Nye has been on the Ten Most Wanted List since he released a series of Youtube videos supporting the teaching of evolution, the role of human activity in climate change, and the difference between boys and girls when they take off their pants.

Nye went on the run last year, when a Federal tribunal found him in violation of The 2014 Ryan Religious Freedom Act, which guarantees citizens freedom from threats by logic and common decency, restricting the teaching of science to churches, home schools, and religiously-affiliated museums.

Nye is being held indefinitely at The Prison Suites by Marriot at Guantanamo Bay. There will be no trial.

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SNAPSHOTS FROM THE 2016 REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION

In an uncanny replay of 2012’s RNC, this year’s convention also will be cut short—this time by a plague of frogs. Many political analysts believe this finalizes a recent party split with God. As reported earlier in Mittopia, tensions have been brewing between the religious right and the Lord for some time.

God’s office did not respond to Mittopia’s inquiries, but court records show that His attorneys recently obtained an order directing the RNC to cease and desist from using His name in all proceedings.

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President’s Council for Physical Fitness Director Lance Armstrong kicked off the convention with a speech that most agreed was inspiring, if not entirely credible.

Armstrong, an American Hero and former Tour de France champion, spoke passionately of the grim necessity to re-elect the Romney-Ryan ticket.

“On a bicycle, I showed America that hard work, discipline, and personal integrity aren’t always enough to prevail. In government, The Romney-Ryan formula shows that if we exploit every resource, maximize every gray area, and cultivate every loophole, Americans can overcome the burden of a level playing field.”

After Armstrong’s speech, the inaugural day was interrupted by an additional plague, an outbreak of painful boils. To help distract delegates as they tore at their searing skin, Mitt Romney’s five sons took to the stage with an impromptu medley from The Osmond’s 1973 Mormon rock opera, The Plan.

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SUNDAY FEATURE: ROMNEY REFLECTS ON THREE YEARS IN THE WHITE HOUSE

On August 26 2012, then-candidate Mitt Romney and his wife Ann were profiled in Parade Magazine,  on subjects ranging from their Mormon faith to Mitt’s seemingly stunted emotional range. Speaking of their practice of tithing, the future First Lady shared with interviewer Lynn Sherr:

“When Mitt and I give that check, I actually cry.”

 “So do I,” Mitt quipped in trademark fashion, “but for a different reason.”

 Three years later, President Romney follows up with Parade in this essay, reflecting on the country’s progress in the Romney-Ryan Era:

Looking Back: A President Glances Over His Shoulder

As my first term comes to a close, I think of how the nation has changed and grown, and about the progress we’ve made by turning back the clock, to a time before “progressive” ideas like stem cell research, and regulated industries, and women’s suffrage took hold of our nation.

It’s sobering to recall what life was like during the Hell-storm of Democrat-enforced social freedoms that preceded me.

Back then, women were accessing birth control and getting raped and having abortions without a second thought. For many, it was like buying shoes, or going to the dentist. In fact, if women had been as enthusiastic about regular dental visits as they were about getting raped and having abortions, gingivitis would be a thing of the past.

Today, after 3 years with the Romney Ryan management team, I can proudly say that unwanted pregnancies are booming. We owe a big part of this growth to arbitrary limitations on access to birth control, as well as the fact that women are denied legal abortions under any circumstance. And although some children may be unplanned or painfully unwanted, these beautiful surprises can go on to become a president or a playwright or severely disabled with no hope of a meaningful existence free from pain.

I also recall the plight of our senior citizens under the previous big government administration. Our aging population was seeking medical care at an unprecedented rate, and eating freely, contributing to an epidemic of elder-obesity. Now, thanks to elimination of food assistance programs and rapid dismantling of the Medicare system, seniors are living shorter, less nourished lives, free from the control of government-imposed body-mass recommendations.

Finally, I look at the heart of America. When we shredded the social safety net strangling our nation, we released the hunger and desperation waiting in all of us, but hobbled by the threat of a progressive tax structure similar to the one that cursed us in our darkest economic hour–the 1950s. At last, we have come together in a spirit of powerful and avaricious resignation, a sense that each of us is in it for ourselves, because we can’t count on anyone for anything.

Thanks to the Romney-Ryan Plan for a New America, we are richer in our poverty, more secure in our paranoia, and more united in our intolerance.

Thank you, and may God and GlaxoSmithKline Pharma bless you.

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BIRTHER BANTER BUOYS BARBED BARON

In recognition of his contributions to the field of presidential humor, Donald Trump has been awarded the title of United States Jester Laureate.

Trump frequently acted as an informal advisor on whimsy and practical jokes during President Romney’s campaign. His formula of birther quips and snide jabs at the expense of ordinary, working Americans proved critical to Romney, who might otherwise have seemed wooden and remote.

Though Trump’s new post is ceremonial and currently conveys no legislative authority, it boasts an artist’s endowment annuity of $2.7 billion in Bain-Sankaty preferred shares.

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GOD 2 GOP: F U

As Republican Delegates retreat from a disastrously waterlogged convention in Tampa, God’s Department of Meteorology released a position paper confirming that Hurricane Isaac was caused by an extended area of low pressure, combined with a shitty-vindictive mood on God’s part.

This is the latest in a series of efforts by the Lord to distance himself from a party largely controlled by the Religious Right.

Once political bedfellows, the Religious Right’s alliance with the Creator has soured in recent years, following disputes over His views on AIDS, contraception, abortion, race, and homosexuality. Because of an ongoing suit concerning the use of His name in opposition to stem cell research, God’s office declined to comment on whether that issue entered into His decision.

Though God has avoided live interviews for the last two to five millennia, he made some off-the-cuff comments to reporters who caught up with him as he was leaving Spago last night:

“Let me tell you, I’m pretty pissed off about this whole thing. Not smiting pissed, but I’m still ticked. These douchebags actually think I killed 3000 people on 9-11 because of two boys kissing! So the hurricane is just the tip of the iceberg. Anybody who stayed at the Tampa Regal Marriott best be prepared for a plague of bedbugs!”

“And while we’re on the subject, I’d like to set the record straight on Haiti. It was cataracts, people—like when I backed the Buick into the garage door. I can assure you, I was aiming for Florida all along. Those people have a lot to answer for.”

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BREAKING UPDATE: AKIN REGROUPS, REBRANDS

In the face of flagging poll numbers and a general sense of public disdain, embattled Planned Parenthood director Todd Akin announced that he is changing his name to “Pussy Riot.”

Although his office declined comment, Akin is acutely aware that his name has become a punchline, aided by the popularity of the television series “Unconscionable Sh*%! Todd Akin Says.”

In a column earlier this month, writer Dan Savage reported that in some circles, “Akining” has become a synonym for certain sex acts.

Akin’s press release emphasized that the change is not motivated by political or public relations concerns:

“I am taking this new path in life for entirely personal reasons. I have been a huge fan of the Russian punk divas for some time now. Members of online forum Pussy Posse may recognize me by my online alias FreePussyMan47. I love their discordant, politically charged music and they’ve really got America reading about foreign affairs again.”

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TAX CODE: ROMNEY-RYAN REHAB RELIEVES RICH

The White House today unveiled details of the 2013 Romney-Ryan Tax Relief Plan, which reflects the President’s experience as a corporate asset stripper successful CEO, as well as the Vice President’s fetishistic devotion to objectivist philosopher Ayn Rand.

In a televised address that relied heavily on Powerpoint ProTools and the uplifting music of composer Richard Wagner, the President outlined a three-tiered scheme to infuse cash into the sectors that need it most.

Under the new tax code, IRS-Diebold will issue refunds to corporate individuals in the form of stock options or uncollateralized securities. Corporations who E-file can choose to have their returns transmitted directly to their portfolio, Swiss bank account, or participating H&R Block locations. Mail filers should provide an address for an attorney or offshore shell corporation. Corporate filers who did not pay any taxes will still receive a refund.

Most non-corporate persons and families will not be receiving a refund. They should expect a bill within 30 days of filing. All invoices are net 15 days, with a 2% daily penalty for late payment.

Medicare recipients and lower income taxpayers seeking a refund must be prepared to present 10-12 years of annotated tax documents, along with a government-issued taxpayer ID card. Refunds will be transmitted as vouchers, redeemable at all Best Buy and Blockbuster locations.

Closing his remarks in an uncomfortably folksy tone, the president underscored the new tax code’s emphasis on fairness for traditionally marginalized ultra-high earners:

“A lot of us know that when we face tough times, the best way to make both ends meat is by stretching USDA-unregulated beef with breadcrumbs. If we put an end to big government interference, and ensure the well-being of our precious job creators, inevitably they will drop some of those crumbs, giving all card-carrying citizens a fair chance to prosper and grow.”

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AKIN EXPLAINS LATEST GAFFE: BECAUSE I GOT HIGH

Beleaguered Planned Parenthood Director Todd Akin is once again in the spotlight for polarizing remarks made during a television interview. Speaking with an unusually wide-eyed John Stossel, Akin claimed “the female hoo-ha has ways of shutting down the whole process in instances of non Judeo-Christian acts, including scissors, back door, and reverse cowgirl.”

Today in a short video statement funded by the Democratic National Committee, Akin provided some context for his controversial remarks:

“I misspoke. In fact, I was tripping balls on 250 mikes of Lavender Lucy. Whooo-wee!”

“I had been speaking with some of my colleagues about the role of Jesus Christ in government, and one of them—a sneaky Democrat I won’t name—asked me if my beliefs had anything to do with a history of LSD.”

“I don’t like to admit it, but I’m a bit dyslexic, and I thought she said LDS. Or course, President Romney belongs to the Church of The Latter Day Saints, and I’ve always been curious about his faith. So when Mrs. McCaskill offered me a tablet that would explain it all to me without actually reading The Book Of Mormon, I was intrigued.”

“It’s unfortunate that the interview was filmed while I was still under the influence of this powerful hallucinogen. LSD is a hell of a drug.”

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It’s Rehab For Rafalca

The Hazelden Center for Addiction Treatment today announced that First Horse Rafalca has been admitted for an unspecified condition. Hazelden did not supply any further details, citing a general cloak of secrecy surrounding the presidency.

Rafalca’s life-narrative is a success story much like Romney’s own. Raised in an atmosphere of wealth and privilege, she leveraged modest talent and ruthless ambition to gain a position beneath the future First Lady. Although she impressed Olympic crowds with the precision of her sidestepping, the well-groomed mare seemed wooden, and a bit out of her depth.

After President Romney’s hostile takover surprise ascendancy to the White House, Rafalca built on her fame with a turn on Dancing With the Stars, which ended abruptly when she broke both of Levi Johnston’s feet—a move that was popular with judges, but technically was against the rules. She quickly became a fixture on the New York club scene, gaining a reputation as a party horse. In recent weeks, Rafalca’s erratic behavior has fueled rumors of Oxycontin addiction, stoked by a notorious appearance on The View, during which the horse repeatedly referred to the president as “Mizzizzle.”

Speaking to reporters before his weekly Senate Prayer Breakfast by Monsanto™, President Romney declined to discuss specifics of Rafalca’s condition, but noted:

“Heh heh heh…We’re all praying for Rafalca. I know the entire nation will be proud and happy the day we strap her to the roof of the Presidential limo and drive her home.”

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SPECIAL REPORT: ROMNEY ADMINISTRATION’S FOCUS ON FEMALES

Newly appointed Planned Parenthood director Todd Akin today announced an effort in partnership with Coca-Cola, aimed at helping legitimate rape victims who face unwanted pregnancies.

“When I was growing up in Missouri in the ‘50s and early ‘60s, kids were taught that Coca-Cola was an effective ‘morning after’ product, as well as a delicious, refreshing beverage. All the fast girls knew that using Coke ‘down there’ would stop any babies in their tracks,” Akin told Mittopia.

Although most Planned Parenthood offices were shuttered immediately after President Romney took office, the retooled Planned Parenthood By Coca-Cola RJR Sony will be conducting outreach campaigns in malls, schools, and other religious institutions.

Rape victims who submit an affidavit of authenticity will receive a special “victim’s gift bag” consisting of two commemorative ‘50s-style glass bottles of Coke, an extra-scratchy set of “shaming underpants,” and a short pamphlet titled “Coping With the Unwanted Child You’re Going to Have Anyway…With Coke!”

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Vice President Ryan and Surgeon General Bill Frist are sponsoring an initiative to protect the right of pharmacists to deny sales of intimate lubricants on the basis of religious belief or social awkwardness.

“These despicable products are part of a radical feminist agenda that sex should not be painful and confusing. They reinforce a pleasure-seeking mindset that should make women feel ashamed and icky, and we support efforts to allow medical professionals to follow their conscience, ” a White House press release said.

In related news, government partners Women’s Clinics by Blackwater-Trojan Industries will debut a new category of women’s health product, a line of female condoms treated with desensitizing cream to delay or eliminate the onset of female orgasm, or “hysterical paroxysm.” The “Blue Belle™” was developed after new government research proved that female orgasm is unnecessary and possibly dangerous to national security.

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SUNDAY SUCCESS STORY: PATRICIAN POTABLES PULL POSH PATRONS

With widespread despair fueling record alcohol consumption, business is already booming for New York bar owner Ramp Norwalk. But Norwalk has hit on a growth formula to fulfill his wildest champagne dreams.

“Frankly, I’m already stinking rich, selling craft beer and Fernet Branca to hipsters,” Norwalk told Mittopia, “but after joining Paul Ryan’s Book Club and reading some Ayn Rand, I realized it’s my moral responsibility to become rich enough to spit on these filthy beatniks, with their cupcakes, and their strollers, and their talk of ‘a sustainable economy.’”

Norwalk has renamed his bar Deregulate America, updating top to bottom with a theme celebrating “Enterprise Unshackled.” Banquettes are veneered with a laminate of elephant ivory and exotic hedge-fund derivatives, while booths are upholstered in infant snow leopard. But the centerpiece—the hook that keeps drawing in the Trumps and the Adelsons—is a signature cocktail called The Mitt-ropolitan. There’s something in it that keeps the GOP’s top-tier coming back for more.

“I really can’t talk about the secret ingredient, but my mixologist is a magician! He’s my accountant, too!” brags Norwalk.

Mittopia assembled a panel of prominent alcoholic Republican pundits, who put the Mitt-ropolitan through its paces. All agree the irresistible secret ingredient is an extract distilled from the tears of Democratic-leaning orphans.

Though bar-owner Norwalk remains mum on the drink’s mouthwatering mystery, Bain-Haliburton subsidiary Tearco—the sole supplier of orphans’ tears on the East coast—reports a spike in sales. Tearco’s Jason Maxwell confirms, “Increased demand is always a challenge, but the kids just love it. We call them our tiny entrepreneurs! It just shows that when the invisible hand of the free market works, everybody gets stroked!”

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Supremes to Romney: Some Day We’ll Be Together

After six weeks of post-election argument, deliberation, and brunch dates with the Romney family, the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that California, New York, Oregon, and “Taxachussetts” will not be included in the final electoral tally. Although Governor Mitt Romney still does not win under this scenario, the court further ruled “what the heck, we all know he bought it fair and square, so let’s just cut to the chase and call him President.”

Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia was characteristically obtuse. “The Constitution’s authors wanted it this way.  I mean, half those states didn’t even exist back then!  And besides, well, this is just the natural order, isn’t it?  The way the founders looked at it, Obama was only entitled to 3/5 of a presidency anyway, so he did pretty good, right?”

Speaking for the dissent, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg lamented, “Oh, God, I never thought it would come to this. I am so, so, so sorry.  I thought maybe Kennedy would come to his senses and pull through, but the matching gold-plated Jet Skis must have pushed him over the edge. Please, Lord, forgive me for ever having anything to do with these charlatans. And please have mercy on us all.”

In an unrelated story, Justice Ginsburg’s daughter Jane, a law professor at Columbia University, returned home after a brief, unscheduled vacation. Professor Ginsburg is recovering nicely from “a snorkeling incident” in which she lost her left pinkie.

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Romney Plan For New America Starts With A Good Breakfast

In anticipation of a Romney-Ryan victory in November,  General Mills has begun test marketing an entirely new category of prepared food product called “Romney Bits,” using cautiously-unmuzzled presumptive First Lady Ann Romney as its spokeszombie.

Touted as “a delicious single-bowl meal, easily affordable by people who eat such things,” Romney Bits is a fortified, grain-and-offal-based “people kibble,” described as “a nominally-palatable solution for 99% of America’s subsistence nutritional needs.” General Mills’ press release further noted that Romney Bits are  “delicious served with milk, juice, or even water, for socialist types who prefer to drink at the well of free public utilities.”

Although initial clinics revealed a potentially bitter aftertaste, an infusion of not-yet deregulated Mystery Sweetener #43 has improved general response with an acceptable level of neurological side-effects.

Trialing in Mississippi, Alabama, and “some other godawful obese state that we’ll carry,” Romney Bits is poised to create a new market where other, more wholesome food products are unattainable or viewed with suspicion.   Romney Bits come in three delicious flavors: New Grape Depression, Let Them Eat Cake, and a diet variety,  Fatless Shrugged, which does not differ nutritionally, but is imprinted with numerous exhortations for the eater to stop being an indulgent parasite.

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