Tag Archives: Republicans

BOOK REVIEW: REPUBLICANS GET RAND-Y

Hoping to bridge a greater appeal to the difficult “female” voter bloc, Romney strategists have released a new volume of light erotica, Fifty Shades Of GOP.

Writing under a pseudonym, deceased author Ayn Rand sets double-X hearts aflutter with her new entry into the burgeoning “Tea-rotica” market.

The protagonist is tall and dashing, a Captain of Industry with just a touch of gray and “long, asset-stripping fingers,” as underscored by the author 187 times in the 456-page novel. He charms the young, lip-biting female lead with his smoldering offshore portfolio, and almost telepathic ability to say something mildly off-putting. Sexually, he is a Titan, with some kinky variations on the Missionary position.

Just as the two lovers come together despite their differences, GOP planners hope the book will arouse women so much that they overlook the party’s essential repugnance. Rand was tapped as author because of her flowing language, female-relatability, and her experience crafting Republican-influenced eros. Her 1943 novel The Fountainhead raised pulse rates with its steamy, forced-sex scenes, which Rand characterized as “rape by engraved invitation,” thus setting the template for the party’s platform on women’s issues.

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HOLIDAY UPDATE: LABOR’S NEW LOOK

The White House has announced that Labor Day will be getting a makeover, to bring it more into line with contemporary values. It will now be called “Monsanto Day.”

This is the latest in an initiative to privatize national holidays, which began in late 2013, with the outsourcing of the Mid-Winter Pharmaceuticals: ThanksGlaxo, Squibb-Mas, and New Year’s Day by SKF Pharma.

Since 1894, Labor Day has been recognized as a time to honor the contribution of workers to American society.

President Romney has long campaigned to divorce the day from these Socialist origins.

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CONVENTION SNAPSHOT: RAND REACHES OUT

After days of anticipation, the surprise speaker at today’s RNC turned out to be philosopher Ayn Rand, who died in 1982.

GOP strategists tapped Rand to help broaden the appeal of the Romney Ryan ticket. They believe her philosophy of enlightened self interest–which rejects dark social forces like altruism–will resonate with female and minority voters.

Before a reverent crowd of delegates who never quite got through Atlas Shrugged, Rand spoke passionately on some of her favorite themes: Downsizing government, encouraging individual responsibility, and ridding society of the underclass of parasites and loafers who prevent alpha-job creators from attaining their birthright grandeur.

The surprise grew when Rand was joined onstage by First Lady Ann Romney. Together, they announced the AYN AND ANN TOUR, a series of whistle stop events at targeted ethnic and female-oriented enclaves, including Miami, New York, Los Angeles, and Provincetown.

Speaking on a vaguely personal note, Romney tried to reach out to the non-white-male voter bloc:

“We just want to tell you people that you are not forgotten. Your bright clothing and emotive body language enrich this country in ways that a Cayman Island investment corporation or wildly regressive tax code never can.”

According to Advertising Age, canny GOP media buys expanded the speech’s audience, with paid coverage on reluctant BET and Telemundo networks. This strategy was critical to the success of the day’s events, as there were no actual people of color in the convention hall.

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CONVENTION SNAPSHOT: COULTER INTRODUCES RNC PLATFORM ON WOMEN’S HEALTH

Health and Human Services Director Ann Coulter introduced a controversial plank in the 2016 RNC platform on women’s health. Under proposed regulations, women seeking gynecological care will no longer enjoy the use of traditional stirrups, but will be compelled to examination in a full-restraint instrument based on the pillory, a humiliation device originally developed in the late 13th century.

Former politician Dr. Ron Paul—an ob-gyn—was consulted in the design of the instrument, which he calls The Paul-ery.

“As an ob-gyn, I found that women became unruly when I penetrated them with a cold metal instrument,” Dr Paul told Mittopia.

“The Paul-ery helps to stabilize the patient, which is both efficient and humane. There is an optional hood attachment to cover the head, as I believe this causes women to think it’s night time, and go to sleep.”

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CONVENTION PROTESTS: ROMNEY A HOLOGRAM?

As delegates swarm into the 2016 RNC, they run a gantlet of angry protesters from the farthest fringes of their party, all demanding an answer to the same question:

Is Mitt Romney a hologram?

These are the most vocal representatives of the “Mirther” movement, a loose collective that questions Romney’s humanity. Spurred by an unsubstantiated email campaign, they are demanding that Romney release his long form birth certificate, or at least a warranty card.

Their key points of evidence are Romney’s absence of credible human emotions, and the fact that he disappears in photographs taken from certain angles.

With his superb grooming and wooden manner, Romney has many hallmarks of a manufactured commodity.

Romney’s “father” George Romney was president of now-defunct American Motors from 1954 to 1962, so some Mirthers believe the President is a product of AMC’s advanced engineering lab, which is known to have experimented with holograms in the early 1960s.

Rush Limbaugh has been promoting a lower-tech theory that Romney is actually a piece of animatronic hardware, “like a Japanese sex robot.”

In spite of the difficulty navigating the lines of unruly protesters, most delegates were unaffected by the Mirther mob. June Mayhew of Davenport, Iowa seemed to speak for most of them as she cheerfully maintained “I don’t know if he’s a hologram or not, but he’s extremely lifelike, and I think he’s been just great for the country.”

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SNAPSHOTS FROM THE 2016 REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION

In an uncanny replay of 2012’s RNC, this year’s convention also will be cut short—this time by a plague of frogs. Many political analysts believe this finalizes a recent party split with God. As reported earlier in Mittopia, tensions have been brewing between the religious right and the Lord for some time.

God’s office did not respond to Mittopia’s inquiries, but court records show that His attorneys recently obtained an order directing the RNC to cease and desist from using His name in all proceedings.

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President’s Council for Physical Fitness Director Lance Armstrong kicked off the convention with a speech that most agreed was inspiring, if not entirely credible.

Armstrong, an American Hero and former Tour de France champion, spoke passionately of the grim necessity to re-elect the Romney-Ryan ticket.

“On a bicycle, I showed America that hard work, discipline, and personal integrity aren’t always enough to prevail. In government, The Romney-Ryan formula shows that if we exploit every resource, maximize every gray area, and cultivate every loophole, Americans can overcome the burden of a level playing field.”

After Armstrong’s speech, the inaugural day was interrupted by an additional plague, an outbreak of painful boils. To help distract delegates as they tore at their searing skin, Mitt Romney’s five sons took to the stage with an impromptu medley from The Osmond’s 1973 Mormon rock opera, The Plan.

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GOD 2 GOP: F U

As Republican Delegates retreat from a disastrously waterlogged convention in Tampa, God’s Department of Meteorology released a position paper confirming that Hurricane Isaac was caused by an extended area of low pressure, combined with a shitty-vindictive mood on God’s part.

This is the latest in a series of efforts by the Lord to distance himself from a party largely controlled by the Religious Right.

Once political bedfellows, the Religious Right’s alliance with the Creator has soured in recent years, following disputes over His views on AIDS, contraception, abortion, race, and homosexuality. Because of an ongoing suit concerning the use of His name in opposition to stem cell research, God’s office declined to comment on whether that issue entered into His decision.

Though God has avoided live interviews for the last two to five millennia, he made some off-the-cuff comments to reporters who caught up with him as he was leaving Spago last night:

“Let me tell you, I’m pretty pissed off about this whole thing. Not smiting pissed, but I’m still ticked. These douchebags actually think I killed 3000 people on 9-11 because of two boys kissing! So the hurricane is just the tip of the iceberg. Anybody who stayed at the Tampa Regal Marriott best be prepared for a plague of bedbugs!”

“And while we’re on the subject, I’d like to set the record straight on Haiti. It was cataracts, people—like when I backed the Buick into the garage door. I can assure you, I was aiming for Florida all along. Those people have a lot to answer for.”

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