Tag Archives: RNC

EASTWOOD: EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LUCID

Actor Clint Eastwood reprised his 2012 role as Romney endorser, addressing the delegates from a stage graced by an empty chair, as well as a full living room suite, a kitschy mounted trout, and a chest of drawers the set designer just thought looked right.

Eastwood began with some light improv, acting out suggestions from the audience, then led into the substance of his endorsement:

Friends, looking out at your proud, pale faces, I can’t help but think how far America has come in the last four years.

Do you remember what it was like during so-called President Obama’s unholy reign?

Compulsory hip-hop music blared on every street corner.

Sweeping civil liberties were enforced on all citizens.

We suffered the tyranny of fact-driven media, without federally mandated editing.

 If there was a Hell on Earth, we were burning in its infernal fury.

Today, ordinary Americans are no longer crushed by the burden of socialistic programs like public schools and police and fire departments. Freed from this welfare state, they decide for themselves which Bain subsidiary they purchase these services from. Or they can simply choose to arm themselves heavily.

And under the revised Romney Flat Tithe, all citizens pay an equal amount to the Mormon church, regardless of their income level or registered religious status.

Finally, corporate people are no longer second-class citizens, they enjoy voting rights and their own congressional districts, just like everybody else. In fact, thanks to President Romney’s corporate affirmative action plan, corporations have extra votes, to help pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. This is what freedom is about.”

Eastwood’s appearance lasted almost 3 hours, suggesting that he was still trying out some ideas live before drafting a final script. He closed by “breaking through the fourth wall,” leading delegates in a rousing call and response of Eddie Rabbit’s theme song for Eastwood’s 1978 trucker comedy Every Which Way But Loose, followed by a 45-minute game of Duck-Duck-Goose.

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CONVENTION SNAPSHOT: RAND REACHES OUT

After days of anticipation, the surprise speaker at today’s RNC turned out to be philosopher Ayn Rand, who died in 1982.

GOP strategists tapped Rand to help broaden the appeal of the Romney Ryan ticket. They believe her philosophy of enlightened self interest–which rejects dark social forces like altruism–will resonate with female and minority voters.

Before a reverent crowd of delegates who never quite got through Atlas Shrugged, Rand spoke passionately on some of her favorite themes: Downsizing government, encouraging individual responsibility, and ridding society of the underclass of parasites and loafers who prevent alpha-job creators from attaining their birthright grandeur.

The surprise grew when Rand was joined onstage by First Lady Ann Romney. Together, they announced the AYN AND ANN TOUR, a series of whistle stop events at targeted ethnic and female-oriented enclaves, including Miami, New York, Los Angeles, and Provincetown.

Speaking on a vaguely personal note, Romney tried to reach out to the non-white-male voter bloc:

“We just want to tell you people that you are not forgotten. Your bright clothing and emotive body language enrich this country in ways that a Cayman Island investment corporation or wildly regressive tax code never can.”

According to Advertising Age, canny GOP media buys expanded the speech’s audience, with paid coverage on reluctant BET and Telemundo networks. This strategy was critical to the success of the day’s events, as there were no actual people of color in the convention hall.

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CONVENTION SNAPSHOT: COULTER INTRODUCES RNC PLATFORM ON WOMEN’S HEALTH

Health and Human Services Director Ann Coulter introduced a controversial plank in the 2016 RNC platform on women’s health. Under proposed regulations, women seeking gynecological care will no longer enjoy the use of traditional stirrups, but will be compelled to examination in a full-restraint instrument based on the pillory, a humiliation device originally developed in the late 13th century.

Former politician Dr. Ron Paul—an ob-gyn—was consulted in the design of the instrument, which he calls The Paul-ery.

“As an ob-gyn, I found that women became unruly when I penetrated them with a cold metal instrument,” Dr Paul told Mittopia.

“The Paul-ery helps to stabilize the patient, which is both efficient and humane. There is an optional hood attachment to cover the head, as I believe this causes women to think it’s night time, and go to sleep.”

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CONVENTION PROTESTS: ROMNEY A HOLOGRAM?

As delegates swarm into the 2016 RNC, they run a gantlet of angry protesters from the farthest fringes of their party, all demanding an answer to the same question:

Is Mitt Romney a hologram?

These are the most vocal representatives of the “Mirther” movement, a loose collective that questions Romney’s humanity. Spurred by an unsubstantiated email campaign, they are demanding that Romney release his long form birth certificate, or at least a warranty card.

Their key points of evidence are Romney’s absence of credible human emotions, and the fact that he disappears in photographs taken from certain angles.

With his superb grooming and wooden manner, Romney has many hallmarks of a manufactured commodity.

Romney’s “father” George Romney was president of now-defunct American Motors from 1954 to 1962, so some Mirthers believe the President is a product of AMC’s advanced engineering lab, which is known to have experimented with holograms in the early 1960s.

Rush Limbaugh has been promoting a lower-tech theory that Romney is actually a piece of animatronic hardware, “like a Japanese sex robot.”

In spite of the difficulty navigating the lines of unruly protesters, most delegates were unaffected by the Mirther mob. June Mayhew of Davenport, Iowa seemed to speak for most of them as she cheerfully maintained “I don’t know if he’s a hologram or not, but he’s extremely lifelike, and I think he’s been just great for the country.”

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SNAPSHOTS FROM THE 2016 REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION

In an uncanny replay of 2012’s RNC, this year’s convention also will be cut short—this time by a plague of frogs. Many political analysts believe this finalizes a recent party split with God. As reported earlier in Mittopia, tensions have been brewing between the religious right and the Lord for some time.

God’s office did not respond to Mittopia’s inquiries, but court records show that His attorneys recently obtained an order directing the RNC to cease and desist from using His name in all proceedings.

*****

President’s Council for Physical Fitness Director Lance Armstrong kicked off the convention with a speech that most agreed was inspiring, if not entirely credible.

Armstrong, an American Hero and former Tour de France champion, spoke passionately of the grim necessity to re-elect the Romney-Ryan ticket.

“On a bicycle, I showed America that hard work, discipline, and personal integrity aren’t always enough to prevail. In government, The Romney-Ryan formula shows that if we exploit every resource, maximize every gray area, and cultivate every loophole, Americans can overcome the burden of a level playing field.”

After Armstrong’s speech, the inaugural day was interrupted by an additional plague, an outbreak of painful boils. To help distract delegates as they tore at their searing skin, Mitt Romney’s five sons took to the stage with an impromptu medley from The Osmond’s 1973 Mormon rock opera, The Plan.

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GOD 2 GOP: F U

As Republican Delegates retreat from a disastrously waterlogged convention in Tampa, God’s Department of Meteorology released a position paper confirming that Hurricane Isaac was caused by an extended area of low pressure, combined with a shitty-vindictive mood on God’s part.

This is the latest in a series of efforts by the Lord to distance himself from a party largely controlled by the Religious Right.

Once political bedfellows, the Religious Right’s alliance with the Creator has soured in recent years, following disputes over His views on AIDS, contraception, abortion, race, and homosexuality. Because of an ongoing suit concerning the use of His name in opposition to stem cell research, God’s office declined to comment on whether that issue entered into His decision.

Though God has avoided live interviews for the last two to five millennia, he made some off-the-cuff comments to reporters who caught up with him as he was leaving Spago last night:

“Let me tell you, I’m pretty pissed off about this whole thing. Not smiting pissed, but I’m still ticked. These douchebags actually think I killed 3000 people on 9-11 because of two boys kissing! So the hurricane is just the tip of the iceberg. Anybody who stayed at the Tampa Regal Marriott best be prepared for a plague of bedbugs!”

“And while we’re on the subject, I’d like to set the record straight on Haiti. It was cataracts, people—like when I backed the Buick into the garage door. I can assure you, I was aiming for Florida all along. Those people have a lot to answer for.”

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