The White House today unveiled details of the 2013 Romney-Ryan Tax Relief Plan, which reflects the President’s experience as a corporate asset stripper successful CEO, as well as the Vice President’s fetishistic devotion to objectivist philosopher Ayn Rand.
In a televised address that relied heavily on Powerpoint ProTools and the uplifting music of composer Richard Wagner, the President outlined a three-tiered scheme to infuse cash into the sectors that need it most.
Under the new tax code, IRS-Diebold will issue refunds to corporate individuals in the form of stock options or uncollateralized securities. Corporations who E-file can choose to have their returns transmitted directly to their portfolio, Swiss bank account, or participating H&R Block locations. Mail filers should provide an address for an attorney or offshore shell corporation. Corporate filers who did not pay any taxes will still receive a refund.
Most non-corporate persons and families will not be receiving a refund. They should expect a bill within 30 days of filing. All invoices are net 15 days, with a 2% daily penalty for late payment.
Medicare recipients and lower income taxpayers seeking a refund must be prepared to present 10-12 years of annotated tax documents, along with a government-issued taxpayer ID card. Refunds will be transmitted as vouchers, redeemable at all Best Buy and Blockbuster locations.
Closing his remarks in an uncomfortably folksy tone, the president underscored the new tax code’s emphasis on fairness for traditionally marginalized ultra-high earners:
“A lot of us know that when we face tough times, the best way to make both ends meat is by stretching USDA-unregulated beef with breadcrumbs. If we put an end to big government interference, and ensure the well-being of our precious job creators, inevitably they will drop some of those crumbs, giving all card-carrying citizens a fair chance to prosper and grow.”