Tag Archives: Todd Akin

BREAKING UPDATE: AKIN REGROUPS, REBRANDS

In the face of flagging poll numbers and a general sense of public disdain, embattled Planned Parenthood director Todd Akin announced that he is changing his name to “Pussy Riot.”

Although his office declined comment, Akin is acutely aware that his name has become a punchline, aided by the popularity of the television series “Unconscionable Sh*%! Todd Akin Says.”

In a column earlier this month, writer Dan Savage reported that in some circles, “Akining” has become a synonym for certain sex acts.

Akin’s press release emphasized that the change is not motivated by political or public relations concerns:

“I am taking this new path in life for entirely personal reasons. I have been a huge fan of the Russian punk divas for some time now. Members of online forum Pussy Posse may recognize me by my online alias FreePussyMan47. I love their discordant, politically charged music and they’ve really got America reading about foreign affairs again.”

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AKIN EXPLAINS LATEST GAFFE: BECAUSE I GOT HIGH

Beleaguered Planned Parenthood Director Todd Akin is once again in the spotlight for polarizing remarks made during a television interview. Speaking with an unusually wide-eyed John Stossel, Akin claimed “the female hoo-ha has ways of shutting down the whole process in instances of non Judeo-Christian acts, including scissors, back door, and reverse cowgirl.”

Today in a short video statement funded by the Democratic National Committee, Akin provided some context for his controversial remarks:

“I misspoke. In fact, I was tripping balls on 250 mikes of Lavender Lucy. Whooo-wee!”

“I had been speaking with some of my colleagues about the role of Jesus Christ in government, and one of them—a sneaky Democrat I won’t name—asked me if my beliefs had anything to do with a history of LSD.”

“I don’t like to admit it, but I’m a bit dyslexic, and I thought she said LDS. Or course, President Romney belongs to the Church of The Latter Day Saints, and I’ve always been curious about his faith. So when Mrs. McCaskill offered me a tablet that would explain it all to me without actually reading The Book Of Mormon, I was intrigued.”

“It’s unfortunate that the interview was filmed while I was still under the influence of this powerful hallucinogen. LSD is a hell of a drug.”

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SPECIAL REPORT: ROMNEY ADMINISTRATION’S FOCUS ON FEMALES

Newly appointed Planned Parenthood director Todd Akin today announced an effort in partnership with Coca-Cola, aimed at helping legitimate rape victims who face unwanted pregnancies.

“When I was growing up in Missouri in the ‘50s and early ‘60s, kids were taught that Coca-Cola was an effective ‘morning after’ product, as well as a delicious, refreshing beverage. All the fast girls knew that using Coke ‘down there’ would stop any babies in their tracks,” Akin told Mittopia.

Although most Planned Parenthood offices were shuttered immediately after President Romney took office, the retooled Planned Parenthood By Coca-Cola RJR Sony will be conducting outreach campaigns in malls, schools, and other religious institutions.

Rape victims who submit an affidavit of authenticity will receive a special “victim’s gift bag” consisting of two commemorative ‘50s-style glass bottles of Coke, an extra-scratchy set of “shaming underpants,” and a short pamphlet titled “Coping With the Unwanted Child You’re Going to Have Anyway…With Coke!”

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Vice President Ryan and Surgeon General Bill Frist are sponsoring an initiative to protect the right of pharmacists to deny sales of intimate lubricants on the basis of religious belief or social awkwardness.

“These despicable products are part of a radical feminist agenda that sex should not be painful and confusing. They reinforce a pleasure-seeking mindset that should make women feel ashamed and icky, and we support efforts to allow medical professionals to follow their conscience, ” a White House press release said.

In related news, government partners Women’s Clinics by Blackwater-Trojan Industries will debut a new category of women’s health product, a line of female condoms treated with desensitizing cream to delay or eliminate the onset of female orgasm, or “hysterical paroxysm.” The “Blue Belle™” was developed after new government research proved that female orgasm is unnecessary and possibly dangerous to national security.

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