Tag Archives: Women’s Health

BOOK REVIEW: REPUBLICANS GET RAND-Y

Hoping to bridge a greater appeal to the difficult “female” voter bloc, Romney strategists have released a new volume of light erotica, Fifty Shades Of GOP.

Writing under a pseudonym, deceased author Ayn Rand sets double-X hearts aflutter with her new entry into the burgeoning “Tea-rotica” market.

The protagonist is tall and dashing, a Captain of Industry with just a touch of gray and “long, asset-stripping fingers,” as underscored by the author 187 times in the 456-page novel. He charms the young, lip-biting female lead with his smoldering offshore portfolio, and almost telepathic ability to say something mildly off-putting. Sexually, he is a Titan, with some kinky variations on the Missionary position.

Just as the two lovers come together despite their differences, GOP planners hope the book will arouse women so much that they overlook the party’s essential repugnance. Rand was tapped as author because of her flowing language, female-relatability, and her experience crafting Republican-influenced eros. Her 1943 novel The Fountainhead raised pulse rates with its steamy, forced-sex scenes, which Rand characterized as “rape by engraved invitation,” thus setting the template for the party’s platform on women’s issues.

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CONVENTION SNAPSHOT: COULTER INTRODUCES RNC PLATFORM ON WOMEN’S HEALTH

Health and Human Services Director Ann Coulter introduced a controversial plank in the 2016 RNC platform on women’s health. Under proposed regulations, women seeking gynecological care will no longer enjoy the use of traditional stirrups, but will be compelled to examination in a full-restraint instrument based on the pillory, a humiliation device originally developed in the late 13th century.

Former politician Dr. Ron Paul—an ob-gyn—was consulted in the design of the instrument, which he calls The Paul-ery.

“As an ob-gyn, I found that women became unruly when I penetrated them with a cold metal instrument,” Dr Paul told Mittopia.

“The Paul-ery helps to stabilize the patient, which is both efficient and humane. There is an optional hood attachment to cover the head, as I believe this causes women to think it’s night time, and go to sleep.”

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SUNDAY FEATURE: ROMNEY REFLECTS ON THREE YEARS IN THE WHITE HOUSE

On August 26 2012, then-candidate Mitt Romney and his wife Ann were profiled in Parade Magazine,  on subjects ranging from their Mormon faith to Mitt’s seemingly stunted emotional range. Speaking of their practice of tithing, the future First Lady shared with interviewer Lynn Sherr:

“When Mitt and I give that check, I actually cry.”

 “So do I,” Mitt quipped in trademark fashion, “but for a different reason.”

 Three years later, President Romney follows up with Parade in this essay, reflecting on the country’s progress in the Romney-Ryan Era:

Looking Back: A President Glances Over His Shoulder

As my first term comes to a close, I think of how the nation has changed and grown, and about the progress we’ve made by turning back the clock, to a time before “progressive” ideas like stem cell research, and regulated industries, and women’s suffrage took hold of our nation.

It’s sobering to recall what life was like during the Hell-storm of Democrat-enforced social freedoms that preceded me.

Back then, women were accessing birth control and getting raped and having abortions without a second thought. For many, it was like buying shoes, or going to the dentist. In fact, if women had been as enthusiastic about regular dental visits as they were about getting raped and having abortions, gingivitis would be a thing of the past.

Today, after 3 years with the Romney Ryan management team, I can proudly say that unwanted pregnancies are booming. We owe a big part of this growth to arbitrary limitations on access to birth control, as well as the fact that women are denied legal abortions under any circumstance. And although some children may be unplanned or painfully unwanted, these beautiful surprises can go on to become a president or a playwright or severely disabled with no hope of a meaningful existence free from pain.

I also recall the plight of our senior citizens under the previous big government administration. Our aging population was seeking medical care at an unprecedented rate, and eating freely, contributing to an epidemic of elder-obesity. Now, thanks to elimination of food assistance programs and rapid dismantling of the Medicare system, seniors are living shorter, less nourished lives, free from the control of government-imposed body-mass recommendations.

Finally, I look at the heart of America. When we shredded the social safety net strangling our nation, we released the hunger and desperation waiting in all of us, but hobbled by the threat of a progressive tax structure similar to the one that cursed us in our darkest economic hour–the 1950s. At last, we have come together in a spirit of powerful and avaricious resignation, a sense that each of us is in it for ourselves, because we can’t count on anyone for anything.

Thanks to the Romney-Ryan Plan for a New America, we are richer in our poverty, more secure in our paranoia, and more united in our intolerance.

Thank you, and may God and GlaxoSmithKline Pharma bless you.

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GOD 2 GOP: F U

As Republican Delegates retreat from a disastrously waterlogged convention in Tampa, God’s Department of Meteorology released a position paper confirming that Hurricane Isaac was caused by an extended area of low pressure, combined with a shitty-vindictive mood on God’s part.

This is the latest in a series of efforts by the Lord to distance himself from a party largely controlled by the Religious Right.

Once political bedfellows, the Religious Right’s alliance with the Creator has soured in recent years, following disputes over His views on AIDS, contraception, abortion, race, and homosexuality. Because of an ongoing suit concerning the use of His name in opposition to stem cell research, God’s office declined to comment on whether that issue entered into His decision.

Though God has avoided live interviews for the last two to five millennia, he made some off-the-cuff comments to reporters who caught up with him as he was leaving Spago last night:

“Let me tell you, I’m pretty pissed off about this whole thing. Not smiting pissed, but I’m still ticked. These douchebags actually think I killed 3000 people on 9-11 because of two boys kissing! So the hurricane is just the tip of the iceberg. Anybody who stayed at the Tampa Regal Marriott best be prepared for a plague of bedbugs!”

“And while we’re on the subject, I’d like to set the record straight on Haiti. It was cataracts, people—like when I backed the Buick into the garage door. I can assure you, I was aiming for Florida all along. Those people have a lot to answer for.”

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BREAKING UPDATE: AKIN REGROUPS, REBRANDS

In the face of flagging poll numbers and a general sense of public disdain, embattled Planned Parenthood director Todd Akin announced that he is changing his name to “Pussy Riot.”

Although his office declined comment, Akin is acutely aware that his name has become a punchline, aided by the popularity of the television series “Unconscionable Sh*%! Todd Akin Says.”

In a column earlier this month, writer Dan Savage reported that in some circles, “Akining” has become a synonym for certain sex acts.

Akin’s press release emphasized that the change is not motivated by political or public relations concerns:

“I am taking this new path in life for entirely personal reasons. I have been a huge fan of the Russian punk divas for some time now. Members of online forum Pussy Posse may recognize me by my online alias FreePussyMan47. I love their discordant, politically charged music and they’ve really got America reading about foreign affairs again.”

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AKIN EXPLAINS LATEST GAFFE: BECAUSE I GOT HIGH

Beleaguered Planned Parenthood Director Todd Akin is once again in the spotlight for polarizing remarks made during a television interview. Speaking with an unusually wide-eyed John Stossel, Akin claimed “the female hoo-ha has ways of shutting down the whole process in instances of non Judeo-Christian acts, including scissors, back door, and reverse cowgirl.”

Today in a short video statement funded by the Democratic National Committee, Akin provided some context for his controversial remarks:

“I misspoke. In fact, I was tripping balls on 250 mikes of Lavender Lucy. Whooo-wee!”

“I had been speaking with some of my colleagues about the role of Jesus Christ in government, and one of them—a sneaky Democrat I won’t name—asked me if my beliefs had anything to do with a history of LSD.”

“I don’t like to admit it, but I’m a bit dyslexic, and I thought she said LDS. Or course, President Romney belongs to the Church of The Latter Day Saints, and I’ve always been curious about his faith. So when Mrs. McCaskill offered me a tablet that would explain it all to me without actually reading The Book Of Mormon, I was intrigued.”

“It’s unfortunate that the interview was filmed while I was still under the influence of this powerful hallucinogen. LSD is a hell of a drug.”

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SPECIAL REPORT: ROMNEY ADMINISTRATION’S FOCUS ON FEMALES

Newly appointed Planned Parenthood director Todd Akin today announced an effort in partnership with Coca-Cola, aimed at helping legitimate rape victims who face unwanted pregnancies.

“When I was growing up in Missouri in the ‘50s and early ‘60s, kids were taught that Coca-Cola was an effective ‘morning after’ product, as well as a delicious, refreshing beverage. All the fast girls knew that using Coke ‘down there’ would stop any babies in their tracks,” Akin told Mittopia.

Although most Planned Parenthood offices were shuttered immediately after President Romney took office, the retooled Planned Parenthood By Coca-Cola RJR Sony will be conducting outreach campaigns in malls, schools, and other religious institutions.

Rape victims who submit an affidavit of authenticity will receive a special “victim’s gift bag” consisting of two commemorative ‘50s-style glass bottles of Coke, an extra-scratchy set of “shaming underpants,” and a short pamphlet titled “Coping With the Unwanted Child You’re Going to Have Anyway…With Coke!”

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Vice President Ryan and Surgeon General Bill Frist are sponsoring an initiative to protect the right of pharmacists to deny sales of intimate lubricants on the basis of religious belief or social awkwardness.

“These despicable products are part of a radical feminist agenda that sex should not be painful and confusing. They reinforce a pleasure-seeking mindset that should make women feel ashamed and icky, and we support efforts to allow medical professionals to follow their conscience, ” a White House press release said.

In related news, government partners Women’s Clinics by Blackwater-Trojan Industries will debut a new category of women’s health product, a line of female condoms treated with desensitizing cream to delay or eliminate the onset of female orgasm, or “hysterical paroxysm.” The “Blue Belle™” was developed after new government research proved that female orgasm is unnecessary and possibly dangerous to national security.

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